Dating 2.5 months and it already feels too difficult

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Trueno
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17 Feb 2018, 11:40 am

Taking all things into account... I think you should dump him. You will feel absolutely terrible, but strangely relieved at the same time. As each day goes by, you will feel slightly less terrible and slightly more relieved.
No relationship is better than a bad relationship... I know some people on this forum refuse to believe that, but I have had sooooo many bad relationships. When you look back on them you can really appreciate them for what they are.
Personally, I think you deserve better than this guy.


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MaxE
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17 Feb 2018, 11:58 am

Before just "dumping" him, I would at least tell him you are considering that, to see what he has to say. Maybe he would work to salvage the relationship if he knew it was in jeopardy.

But I expect this isn't going to last much longer. I don't think every relationship has to lead to marriage, but you may have gotten about all you can from this. Such a mismatch in personalities! Could have been interesting if gotten to work, but he was probably not up to the task.


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honeymiel
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17 Feb 2018, 12:07 pm

Trueno wrote:
Taking all things into account... I think you should dump him. You will feel absolutely terrible, but strangely relieved at the same time. As each day goes by, you will feel slightly less terrible and slightly more relieved.
No relationship is better than a bad relationship... I know some people on this forum refuse to believe that, but I have had sooooo many bad relationships. When you look back on them you can really appreciate them for what they are.
Personally, I think you deserve better than this guy.


Thanks

I already feel relieved at the thought of just walking away, but I also feel that it's a bit unfair. I am quite sure that his behaviour is a reaction to my lack of warmth and communication. Second date he revealed he didn't think he had a legitimate chance with me, third date that he's been single for 8 yrs. I do find him attractive and intelligent

I was gearing myself up to talk to him about ASD sometime soon but the more he nitpicks, the more I just want to distance myself. It's eating away at my self esteem and I'm really hurting at the moment

I will message him tomorrow and just tell him how I'm feeling about things. See what he has to say. I know it's better to have those conversations in person but I think that would make things harder



honeymiel
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17 Feb 2018, 12:13 pm

MaxE wrote:
Before just "dumping" him, I would at least tell him you are considering that, to see what he has to say. Maybe he would work to salvage the relationship if he knew it was in jeopardy.

But I expect this isn't going to last much longer. I don't think every relationship has to lead to marriage, but you may have gotten about all you can from this. Such a mismatch in personalities! Could have been interesting if gotten to work, but he was probably not up to the task.


I agree he deserves some honesty. I've had more trouble communicating than usual since I basically started dating him on the rebound and already had a lot of emotional stuff to work through from my previous relationship. That's not to say that I didn't/don't legitimately like the guy, just that I've had my guard up

The last time I saw him and the comment about me not smiling when I see him, he kinda paused and said "I can handle it".
And then later asked if I was on the spectrum. I think he has been trying and I'm just not responding well. I'm struggling



AngelRho
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17 Feb 2018, 1:48 pm

Trueno wrote:
Taking all things into account... I think you should dump him. You will feel absolutely terrible, but strangely relieved at the same time. As each day goes by, you will feel slightly less terrible and slightly more relieved.
No relationship is better than a bad relationship... I know some people on this forum refuse to believe that, but I have had sooooo many bad relationships. When you look back on them you can really appreciate them for what they are.
Personally, I think you deserve better than this guy.

Dittos.



AngelRho
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17 Feb 2018, 2:05 pm

Honey, I think this relationship could still have potential. I’m not going to say you should absolutely break up with him. But I would rather advise you evaluate how much this relationship is actually worth to you.

You seem to have hit a plateau is the reason I say that. Plateaus don’t mean it’s dead. It just means it doesn’t seem as interesting at first, that there’s a high level of security in the relationship, and the tiny surface character imperfections have become more noticeable. Given that, is this a person you can continue to accept, or is it time to move on?

No right/wrong answer here. Personally, I’d attempt to fix it. And it would really be more myself and my own perception I’d try to fix, not the other person.

I think, also, if you’re more inclined to break up, the fizzle approach might be best. I’m not getting a sense that there’s that much emotional involvement on either side. But I think given that your relationship has been as physical as it has been, the slow fade or ghost approach would be inappropriate. Have an actual date and drop that towards the end. What might work to really drive it home is to wait about two weeks during which you don’t see each other AT ALL and minimize communication. That way, you can point to how busy you’ve both been, how you never see each other anymore, and you’re not really talking. So breaking up really is the most logical next step and it will be better for him if you do.

A lot of breakups are the emotional equivalent of dropping a nuke. Total devastation. So you need a good day and allow for some time between dropping the bomb and walking away. In your case, however, I suspect you’ll have an easier time of it.



honeymiel
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18 Feb 2018, 2:22 am

AngelRho wrote:
Honey, I think this relationship could still have potential. I’m not going to say you should absolutely break up with him. But I would rather advise you evaluate how much this relationship is actually worth to you.

You seem to have hit a plateau is the reason I say that. Plateaus don’t mean it’s dead. It just means it doesn’t seem as interesting at first, that there’s a high level of security in the relationship, and the tiny surface character imperfections have become more noticeable. Given that, is this a person you can continue to accept, or is it time to move on?

No right/wrong answer here. Personally, I’d attempt to fix it. And it would really be more myself and my own perception I’d try to fix, not the other person.

I think, also, if you’re more inclined to break up, the fizzle approach might be best. I’m not getting a sense that there’s that much emotional involvement on either side. But I think given that your relationship has been as physical as it has been, the slow fade or ghost approach would be inappropriate. Have an actual date and drop that towards the end. What might work to really drive it home is to wait about two weeks during which you don’t see each other AT ALL and minimize communication. That way, you can point to how busy you’ve both been, how you never see each other anymore, and you’re not really talking. So breaking up really is the most logical next step and it will be better for him if you do.

A lot of breakups are the emotional equivalent of dropping a nuke. Total devastation. So you need a good day and allow for some time between dropping the bomb and walking away. In your case, however, I suspect you’ll have an easier time of it.


Thank you. I have been thinking about this response and I do need to reframe how I'm viewing things.

I am resentful towards him for pointing out my more obvious ASD traits. I feel that it's quite shallow and it's not getting at the real issue, which is that I have tremendous difficulty connecting with people

So then when I try to connect with him and it's a futile attempt met with bluntness/disinterest, that's where I start to feel incredibly hurt and frustrated. I know this is because I'm impaired, not because he's a bad person. He has dialled back his efforts considerably because I am unable to match them - I'm unsure if I ever will be able to

I think I will have to talk to him asap because I'm just in a lot of pain and dreading having to get dressed up and act neurotypical again, only to be told how I'm so obviously not.



The_Face_of_Boo
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19 Feb 2018, 3:43 pm

I can’t believe that a normal guy wouldn’t understand the sex message by taking off his shirt.

I mean.... guys, don’t you find this f*****g weird??!

honeymiel, I am gonna be very blunt (like always): one of the worst types of girlfriends, in my opinion, are those who tell their relationship problems to the entire world while they keep the boyfriend in the dark - the boyfriend is the last to know and only knows after rejection.

Don’t be that girlfriend.



MaxE
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19 Feb 2018, 3:53 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
I can’t believe that a normal guy wouldn’t understand the sex message by taking off his shirt.

I mean.... guys, don’t you find this f*****g weird??!

honeymiel, I am gonna be very blunt (like always): one of the worst types of girlfriends, in my opinion, are those who tell their relationship problems to the entire world while they keep the boyfriend in the dark - the boyfriend is the last to know and only knows after rejection.

Don’t be that girlfriend.
Well put.


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AngelRho
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19 Feb 2018, 4:13 pm

MaxE wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
I can’t believe that a normal guy wouldn’t understand the sex message by taking off his shirt.

I mean.... guys, don’t you find this f*****g weird??!

honeymiel, I am gonna be very blunt (like always): one of the worst types of girlfriends, in my opinion, are those who tell their relationship problems to the entire world while they keep the boyfriend in the dark - the boyfriend is the last to know and only knows after rejection.

Don’t be that girlfriend.
Well put.

I kinda agree, but I understand where she’s coming from. You can’t assume everyone knows the appropriate response to something. I don’t begrudge anyone the right to seek advice.

What I do find inappropriate is seeking out friends for enablers. If all your friends are b¡+¢h3s, I see no reason at all to jump through hoops to impress them.

I think the Spice Girls had a song to that effect. In that case, no, I DON’T wanna be your lover. You might notice that breaking up wasn’t the option I proposed, but rather IF she MUST break up, there’s a best way to do it.



Sweetleaf
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19 Feb 2018, 4:22 pm

honeymiel wrote:
I'm really struggling today and I'm thinking about ending things with this guy.

I got a little drunk Friday night and sent him a message in jest, saying he was too far away for me to booty call. It's a run on joke that we had recently where if I was in his area late on a Friday night I'd drop in to see him. I thought he'd be awake because he said he'd be drinking with friends, but he replied early the next day that he'd been asleep. Asked me how my maths assignment had been going, when I responded asking him how he was, his reply was "Good"

I do most of the initiating for messages/chatting in between dates, I'm realising. Wasn't always this way, just has become this way, so there's been a breakdown in communication, for which I know I'm partly (but not wholly) to blame

I'm not really enjoying myself at the moment, and after that very blunt response I don't actually want to see him again. I know for sure that I won't be smiling when we meet, so what's the point? I can't take another comment about my face/body language or things I'm apparently doing wrong. I'm starting to feel some serious rejection, and I'm not sure if that's his response to a perceived rejection by me (since I've probably not invested as much as he has)

I don't know if it's worth trying to talk to him about all this. It's only been a few mths so feels like it may be better to just let things fizzle/die a natural death.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

I'm feeling pretty low at the moment


Does it kind of feel like you can't reach him....like you've just kind of been going along with it, without knowing where its even going, because you're not sure quite what they are thinking/feeling? That isn't a great description of the feeling I am talking about, but its the best I can come up with. Either way, its how I've felt when some past relationships sort of fizzled out.

That is what happened with the guy I dated my first year in college, except I think he also sort of deliberately led me on for sex even after losing interest in the relationship. But yeah just started feeling like I had to initiate all the communication then whenever I did see him he just wanted to do sexual things for a bit and then drop me back off on campus. I broke up with him by just stopping initiating communication.

But yeah he never gave any kind of opening for me to discuss 'us' so I was just kind of sticking around hoping things would work themselves out, I don't feel bad for not formally breaking up with him because there never was an opportunity to.

You could try not initiating communication and see what happens, if he doesn't initiate any communication either then, maybe would be best to just let it die.


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honeymiel
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19 Feb 2018, 8:06 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
I can’t believe that a normal guy wouldn’t understand the sex message by taking off his shirt.

I mean.... guys, don’t you find this f*****g weird??!

honeymiel, I am gonna be very blunt (like always): one of the worst types of girlfriends, in my opinion, are those who tell their relationship problems to the entire world while they keep the boyfriend in the dark - the boyfriend is the last to know and only knows after rejection.

Don’t be that girlfriend.


I agree to a point, but I didn't intend to reject him without explaining what was going wrong (unless the relationship naturally fizzled). But I am a very passive person. I have to sort out my feelings because I'm not good at handling that emotional stuff in the moment. I often make compromises that shouldn't be made (such as compromising my own needs for someone else's).

Or, if I'm upset and unable to see a compromise, I shut down and stop communicating. I have had ex boyfriends hang up or walk out on me because I went mute from being overwhelmed (I also had one who got physically aggressive with me)

So in certain circumstances, I would think it's justified to hold back until I understand what's going on and am ready to communicate

I spoke with my therapist yesterday and she agreed that it seems weird, if he suspects I have ASD, why does he keep pointing out my behaviours?
I then flagged the issue with him on her advice (more to stop being so passive), and he apologised and wants to come over to talk about it tonight



honeymiel
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19 Feb 2018, 8:44 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
Does it kind of feel like you can't reach him....like you've just kind of been going along with it, without knowing where its even going, because you're not sure quite what they are thinking/feeling? That isn't a great description of the feeling I am talking about, but its the best I can come up with. Either way, its how I've felt when some past relationships sort of fizzled out.


Yes and no. From the start, I think he has been more serious about this than I have. Has talked a lot about his friend's engagements/marriages/relationships, things that he wants for his future kids. He was also a lot more full on in the beginning in communicating and pursuing, although he has backed off a few times and explained that he felt I wasn't interested.

Also wanted me to meet his friends/family but when I told him it was too soon he took a step back. Now it's to the point that I do most of the initiating for chats in between our dates. He's usually receptive.

I can't tell if he's lost interest or just trying not to scare me off. Or maybe just got over the infatuation and levelled out a bit. Maybe all of the above.

Sweetleaf wrote:
That is what happened with the guy I dated my first year in college, except I think he also sort of deliberately led me on for sex even after losing interest in the relationship. But yeah just started feeling like I had to initiate all the communication then whenever I did see him he just wanted to do sexual things for a bit and then drop me back off on campus. I broke up with him by just stopping initiating communication.

But yeah he never gave any kind of opening for me to discuss 'us' so I was just kind of sticking around hoping things would work themselves out, I don't feel bad for not formally breaking up with him because there never was an opportunity to.

You could try not initiating communication and see what happens, if he doesn't initiate any communication either then, maybe would be best to just let it die.


I thought about just not initiating anymore, but that would be more painful than knowing upfront where we stand. You probably were fed up by the time you did that, and knew he wouldn't pick up the slack if you didn't?

Most college aged guys are like that anyway IMO. But this guy, I think the main reason he wouldn't try is because he would feel that I haven't wanted it as much as he has (which was true up until this point anyway) and doesn't want to force things. I could be way off and he might have lost interest

I guess I'll find out soon enough