Dating 2.5 months and it already feels too difficult

Post Reply New Topic

Sorry this is long but I’m upset.

I’ve been dating this NT guy for 10 weeks. There are little comments he keeps making that are starting to hurt. I know this is completely unintentional on his part. I have talked about ASD since the second date, without actually disclosing. He has picked up on it

He says things like, that I don’t smile much in photos/don’t smile when I meet him (I’ve tried changing this but it’s hard). That my interests seem obsessive. Not giving the appropriate amount of physical affection/emotional reciprocity. Weird facial expressions/body language/not talking enough

We’ve both been very busy and only seen each other a few times in the last month. Last week, we did sexual stuff but didn’t have sex since he “masturbated 4 times before our date” because he was apparently so excited to see me…even ended up 15 mins late because he “didn’t think he could sit across from me at the dinner table and act normal because he was excited." Lol.

Last night I could only see him for a few hours. He reiterated that I never smile when we meet, and this time it stung. I’ve been really busy with uni and when he asked me about it, I vaguely talked about a mathematical proof I was working on that day and told him it would be easier to show him. He said okay (probably just being polite).
I kinda knew it was inappropriate so after a minute I put my book down and changed the topic. But then I was fixating on this proof. So I again vaguely tried to explain it..picking up my book and putting it back down a few times while we're sitting on the couch, I'm laying with my head in his lap. At one point he sent me a FB message “Yes I am sitting next to you while you do maths”. Like okay, I’ll try to stop fixating
I told him he looked uncomfortable and he said “I just want your attention”

Then he wants to watch a documentary, so I say “Well if you want to know why I like maths so much, let me show you some theoretical physics” (I feel like an IDIOT just typing this). We get halfway through this theoretical physics documentary and he says “So does this mean you’re on the spectrum?”
Wasn’t sure if he meant ME or referring to a point being discussed in the documentary, so I asked “What?” but a bit too aggressively. Evasion tactics and topic change from him.
Either way I think that’s a pretty rude thing to say at that moment. I can see retrospectively that I was fixating, but I’m sharing my interests with him and he asks me if that makes me autistic?

We didn’t wind up having sex because after the documentary he kept talking, incessantly, I couldn’t get a word in edgewise and he wasn’t picking up on my cues despite me literally taking his shirt off and straddling him. And then at the end of the date he goes “We haven’t had sex the last couple of times I’ve seen you”. And I’m thinking, how the f@#k is that MY fault???

So I’m pretty damn upset today. Basically last night what he has to say about me is that I seem autistic and we’re not having sex. This is off to a great start (sarcasm).

Does it sound like we are incompatible? Or am I being too sensitive and taking things the wrong way?
Because I literally cried earlier and I'm feeling pretty ashamed (a few other stupid things I did that I won't go into)

He also mentioned being disappointed he couldn’t see me Valentine’s Day and I told him it’s against my political beliefs. So if anyone needs advice on how to obliterate someone’s romantic feelings for you with logic and pragmatism, I’m your woman

I'm sorry you're feeling overwhelmed. It sounds like perhaps he could use some information to help him navigate your relationship. Knowing you better would certainly give him the tools to adjust to your needs and have a better understanding of what is going on.

Look at the situation from his perspective for a moment. You are literally next to him spending time with him, but you are preoccupied with a math problem. He likely was just looking for your undivided attention since you don't get to spend much time together. If he understood that you were obsessing over the math problem, it wouldn't lead to him possible thinking you were ignoring him, which may lead him to think you are not interested in him. But then you get intimate with him by taking his shirt off, perhaps this is sending him mixed signals and he doesn't know why you are suddenly into him after being preoccupied with an obsession.

There are fundamental differences in the way you both think. Throw him a life preserver. Best of luck, I hope things work out for you.

Thank you. I agree, he probably felt a bit rejected. He knows I have been "busy" (fixated) with maths lately to the point that I'm not sleeping well (the stuff I'm doing is challenging/meaningful for me)
I also wasn't completely ignoring him, I was talking through it but he wasn't able to follow so it was more like talking to myself. Probably looked weird.

I also feel insecure because when I looked up I thought he had just taken a picture of me, and he turned his phone away and then sent me the Facebook message. So I just feel really humiliated today, like maybe he was going to show it to one of his friends

I keep tearing about it all. I know I need to talk to him (or possibly even end things if we're not on the same page). I just don't know how or when to approach it

Would it be totally weird to just put a YouTube video about autism on the TV when he visits again next week? I don't want to just "casually bring it up" because I think I'll end up making the conversation a bit too heavy or even freeze up and not communicate effectively. It's a very emotionally charged topic for me

I think that I would just try to explain your situation. Communication is very important and of course is one of the most difficult parts of autism. He wants your attention. If you get obsessive with something, can you stop yourself or set aside a time that basically belongs to him. If you need time to fixate, then say you need a moment to finish your thought process. He's gotten this far with you, so I think he would be willing to accept an honest answer. It may help him connect easier with you if he can better understand you. There's no reason to be ashamed. As far as the documentary, I think he collectively decided about the autism and not just because of the documentary. maybe there is an alternate solution to Valentine's Day. I don't support Valentine's Day either. If you want to spend time with me, then you shouldn't need a made up day to do it.

Basically try to communicate your feelings more clearly and be honest about the situation. If you want to be with him, then you will need to give him more of your focus. The YouTube video will probably be weird and may confuse him even more. You can write down what you want to say so you are better prepared. If you need a break during the conversation, then just say that you need take a break.

I understand, unfortunately I don't have any helpful advice on how to deal with this situation. Before you decide to do anything, perhaps you can give it some time and think about how you want to handle this situation and in the meantime, maybe someone will post some good advice here that will help you figure out the best solution to your problem.

One thing that is crucial to any healthy relationship is trust, and another is communication. So it is important that you both learn how to communicate the best that you can and that takes understanding one another so you both are on the same page. I wish you the best of luck with your relationship. If it was meant to be you both will be able to get past any obstacle.

Well doesn't really sound like he accepts you for who you are, and would prefer you change if things are to last long term. The comment about not having sex doesn't make sense if he's the one who masturbates 4 times before a date and then isn't in the mood to do it with you later, what does he expect you to do? Maybe he shouldn't masturbate so much before he sees you and he'd still be up for it. So yeah I am leaning towards thinking this may not be meant to be. Also seems a little hypocritical if he gets on you for obsessing too much about mathmatics, but then he goes on a tangent for the rest of the date to the point you cant even get a word in and he's totally oblivious to you trying to initiate some physical contact...so its like he got pissed at you for apparently the same thing he does? I mean I would say you could be a little bit more attentive when you are spending time with him...like on a date is not the place to work on your math for school. But it seems like he kind of expects more changes than just that.

My boyfriend is neurotypical, but he accepts me for how I am...sure there are more negative things I have worked on like trying not to get grumpy at him when I'm stressed but things like my facial expressions, how much I smile or not, maybe going on a bit too long about some topic or getting a bit obsessive over something. But that is the only reason it is working, if he wanted me to change all my mannerisms and be more 'normal' I don't think this would be a good relationship.

Also though what sort of political belief prohibits one visiting their love interest on Valentines Day? Never heard of that.

Thank you for putting it into words, but that's my fear and why I feel so upset. I feel like, if you keep pointing these things out then obviously they are pretty noticeable/significant to you. BUT I get similar comments often - particularly my facial expressions, because people can't figure out what I'm thinking or misinterpret them. So I know I have a legitimate issue with that



He was in the mood but I went down on him, he barely ejaculated and then couldn't get it up again... That's when he admitted why he'd turned up late. I'm not sure why he brought up the sex thing because I thought we were okay in that department



I don't know if the issue was the mathematics tbh. I think it might be that I am not emotionally expressive and he is unsure how I feel about him. I can't justify why I think this, but I believe he is more into me than I am into him, and he is holding back a lot to try and match my input. And that may explain why he is nitpicking, i.e. trying to figure me out. I'm not sure...

It's hard for me to know if he's making comments from a place of insecurity vs. concern about our viability. Hence I'm not sure if I'm being overly sensitive



Yes. Even if he's just making observations to gauge my interest level, I'm not sure how much I can change so this could be a perpetual problem (especially from what I've read about partners of AS people, they can often feel a bit neglected/unwanted)



Well he was away for VDay, but it's just not something that I would bother celebrating. I disagree with most things that are commercialised because I have a strong prejudice against big corporations and money grabbers.
The only thing about VDay that I would consider acceptable is going out to dinner at a local restaurant - i.e. fuelling money into small, local businesses. But I still don't believe in it, and struggle to pretend to care - feels fake.

Either way, we had a good long chat while he was away. Trying to meet him halfway, because I think he does care about that sort of thing

Sounds really positive that you had a "long chat," even after all the stuff you've been through recently.

Thank you so much for your thoughtful answer. Yes, communication is really hard.

I am rarely 100% in the moment, and whenever I look like I am it's a concerted effort. I think I was just being more 'myself' and obviously that upset him a bit, which has got me questioning our viability in the long term. I have some serious doubts about my ability to give the appropriate amount of connection and validation. I will need prompting (and understanding). Obviously I have to explain that to him if we are to continue

I'm sensing potential in this relationship. Though there's lots to iron out.

Yes. Well, it was about his trip and a bit of banter. Not about "us". I probably should view it positively but I just feel dread about what is to come (particularly the conversation that needs to be had). Makes you want to throw your hands up and run away
..
Like my ex did. I'm not over that he was autistic too

There is both potential and a lot that needs to be worked on. Hence, dread

One saving grace: you really seem to like the guy. And he really seems to like you.

I just wish relationships were simple, and not as complicated, in general.

I echo this sentiment. Maybe my dread originates from shallow optimism... I wish it could just be and stay simple.

Only with risk, comes reward. Stay positive, I think you can be strong, brave, and resilient. I only wish I knew you better to remind you of all the magnificent characteristics that make you who you are. Have confidence in yourself, that you can get past difficult obstacles that lay ahead.

I'm really struggling today and I'm thinking about ending things with this guy.

I got a little drunk Friday night and sent him a message in jest, saying he was too far away for me to booty call. It's a run on joke that we had recently where if I was in his area late on a Friday night I'd drop in to see him. I thought he'd be awake because he said he'd be drinking with friends, but he replied early the next day that he'd been asleep. Asked me how my maths assignment had been going, when I responded asking him how he was, his reply was "Good"

I do most of the initiating for messages/chatting in between dates, I'm realising. Wasn't always this way, just has become this way, so there's been a breakdown in communication, for which I know I'm partly (but not wholly) to blame

I'm not really enjoying myself at the moment, and after that very blunt response I don't actually want to see him again. I know for sure that I won't be smiling when we meet, so what's the point? I can't take another comment about my face/body language or things I'm apparently doing wrong. I'm starting to feel some serious rejection, and I'm not sure if that's his response to a perceived rejection by me (since I've probably not invested as much as he has)

I don't know if it's worth trying to talk to him about all this. It's only been a few mths so feels like it may be better to just let things fizzle/die a natural death.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

I'm feeling pretty low at the moment