Tips for writing personal ads

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I've written many for dates/hookups (not so much LTR oriented) but the same universal truths hold true for all of them and the response rates that they get.

In general, less is more. Just a few minimal lines and a photo get more responses than any longer block of text. It's like selling anything.. "sell the sizzle, not the steak." Provide just enough information for someone to want to learn more about you in order to get them to email you and ask questions about you. A personal ad is to sell others on contacting you, not to sell them on going on a date with you. That happens in the next part of the communication process in your back and forth emails. Keep that in mind when writing an ad & keeping it short. (Much shorter than this post, like I'm talking barely more than a Tweet short.)

One thing I would definitely caution against is writing ANYTHING that could be perceived as a negative AT ALL by anyone as then you're potentially excluding a lot of people from replying to you that otherwise might if you weren't so straight forward about listing negatives right up front in your ad.

A classic example would be to say "I don't have a car."

While it's true that you don't have a car, you just guaranteed that anyone that matters to even just a little bit won't message you. It's FAR better to simply omit that information and let someone wonder. Then they may respond to your ad, you can have an exchange of emails, get a feel for one another and see if you're compatible at all, and then you can being it up in conversation when transportation comes up with regards to meeting. Even THEN you don't have to disclose your method of transportation unless it's necessary. It's easy enough to reply and say "Coffee at ___ Wednesday at 6 sounds great, I'll meet you there." The other person doesn't need to know if you drove your Tesla or walked.

It is common that people discuss car ownership, but it's not necessary. I've met others for dates who've then said "Oh, sorry I was a bit late.. my bus/train/cab was late," and only then did I know they didn't drive. Personally, I don't care if they don't drive so long as they're able to get around and meet up, but, some people DO care a lot about that sort of thing and so sometimes your best move is to NOT disclose it, especially in your ad. Posting something like "I don't have a car," may be intended to simply convey your limited means of transportation, but it can also be taken as you making a self depreciating comment about yourself right there in your ad.. which does not bode well for conveying confidence. At all.

For the opening post of this thread's advice:

1.) Keep it SHORT. Including a (good) photo is better than no photo - a picture's worth a thousand words, after all.
2.) No (real or potentially perceived) negatives about yourself.
3.) There's ZERO reason to disclose not having a car. All it does is eliminate many potential responses that otherwise could have worked out.

Feel free to comment or add your own tips from your own experiences.

So to clarify, this thread is about getting the highest quantity of responses, rather than quality, yes? That is, increasing respond rates rather than increasing chances of attracting the most compatible people.

(In which case I agree with your tips.)

Yes - sort of.

Using the transportation example (because that’s a big one and very common) if you write in your ad that you do not have a car you might turn off quite a few people from responding that otherwise may have. Some because of not having a car, others simply because you wrote something negative about yourself and so you may come across as negative/pessimistic or depressed. It’s far better to omit the information and get more responses and then in conversation you can figure out if you’re compatible or not. People aren’t so black and white about criteria - there’s a big grey flexible area. Someone who may have rejected you outright by not responding because your ad says you don’t have a car might respond when info hasn’t been volunteered and then finds out they’re kinda into you and decides to meet you anyways.

So, yes.. quantity, but not necessarily lower quality.

Yeah, I guess it just depends whether you want to date someone who would reject you outright just because you don't have a car (in this example). For LTR I personally think that kind of thing matters more, as in, I'm not interested in someone who'd reject me so easily but would be interested if I had omitted that detail*. Also for a LTR I want to see a lot more detail in a profile than if I'm looking for, say, a Tinder hookup.

*which is probably hypocritical, because I would easily reject someone for not having enough info!!

In my experience, people will interpret ANYTHING you say as negative. Some people have problems regardless.


Well, if you want many responses just write something generic like everybody else like: "I'm a happy guy who likes to spend time with my friends, i like exercising at the gym, i like travel, music, movies, breathing and taking a s**t".

Those last 2 things were jokes, but you get the point of writing pointless conformist crap that everyone else do. Regardless of going for quality or quantity, I've noticed that humour is always appreciated.

(EDIT: 3000 posts wheeeeeeee!!)

^ Don't forget "I like going out but I also enjoy staying in to watch a movie on the couch" or another variation of that phrase

Yeah, i remember those too. Sounds like "I will like whatever you like, please just love me!! ! LOVE ME!! ! I'll cut off my pinkie toe and send it you you!! ! WHY WONT YOU LOVE ME?!?!?!?" when i read that.

But that's the thing about it.. by including the info, you automatically reduce your dating pool/potential matches for a LTR. By omitting it, there's a chance you could strike up a conversation with someone who may have otherwise passed you over, and that conversation could lead to a date, then another, then a LTR.

This is because, as I pointed out above, the world is not so rigid or black & white in their thinking and decision making - there's a huge grey area that most Aspies can't see very well.

Including typically unattractive info can only serve to harm your chances. Omitting it opens up more possibilities. Even if they get weeded out in conversation, at least you created the possibility for that conversation and were able to have it. But sometimes things move forward with people meeting people they might not have otherwise.

yellowtamarin is talking from a pure female POV, goldfish21, and that is the cause of 99% of sex wars here : Failing to imagine things from the opposite sex's perspective.

She - like ALL females on dating sites, doesn't need to 'hide flaws' because the quantity (of male attention) is guaranteed no matter what they put on their profiles , attention may decrease a bit but that's what they want, their focus is on filtering and getting the quality. But she, like almost all women here, has no idea how it is like from the hetero male perspective in dating sites. In fact, for females, declaring flaws in profile may INCREASE attention from more men, including those with low confidence and who have the same flaws.

Your advice is most useful for heterosexual men though (and I believe this is your target audience of your thread), because in dating sites, they lack BIG TIME the quantity; and in order for them to get the best possible quality is to have some quantity - with zero or 1-2 quantity the probability of getting a good quality is very very low - after all the bigger the quantity of potential dates, the more the hetero man can afford to be pickier.

Yep, this all seems pretty accurate to me. It's mainly hetero guys who this advice benefits. But it does apply to others, including myself.

Most people posting complaints here about the effectiveness of their personal ads are hetero guys & the biggest complaint is lack of quantity of responses, not so much quality. Quality can be filtered for after you get an initial response. It's quantity in the first place that's the aim. What good is a personal ad that gets zero, or very very few responses? Not much, IMO. I'd WAY rather have a couple dozen to filter through and either ignore or reply etc than have zero replies or only one or two. More replies = better chance of hitting it off with one of them.

That's typically how it goes for an ad more specifically targeted towards a hookup, too. I'd rather get a flood of responses and communicate with the top few than get one or two responses I'm not really interested in at all. It's rare that I post something when I feel like it that gets very few responses But that I'm actually interested in one of those few responses. It's not that it never happens, it's just rare. All of this is a very simple numbers game.. increase the numbers, increase your chances. Otherwise you're relying much more on luck that one of very few responses might be someone you're interested in, and, as I said above.. if you're making mistakes like presenting negatives about yourself that someone might reject you for Or reject you for simply speaking negatively about yourself as they then may feel you're down on yourself and don't want anything to do with someone like that, then you're pushing a lot of people away who might otherwise shoot you an email.

All I can say is, the best matches I've had with online dating are with males who have long profiles, state their quirks or "flaws", and share my perspective on how to write a profile. I do know how it us for some males, because they tell me that they feel the same about it as I do - that the quality of matches is much better when they do it this way.

No, I don't understand most males (or females). Yes, I do understand some. The ones I would want to match with. They'd reject me if I followed the generic rules, as I would them, because we'd mistake each other for normal people.

(Again I'm talking about serious dating only. Different rules for short term stuff cos personality isn't as important.)

By the way, I'm not saying your tips don't work for LTR. I'm saying they might not, as it can become a lot more personal and subjective in that arena. People looking for ordinary people, by all means, do the generic thing. I'm just saying it's not universally good advice for seeking a LTR, and each person should figure out what works best for them.

I've tried having a profile like the one described in the OP. I got more matches, but fewer suitable matches. But if I was looking for a hookup, that would have been fine.

^Ya, sure, those are great tips for "Aspie seeks Aspie," buuut if your own criteria for attraction aren't so rigid as to want to exclude anyone who might initially pass you over for a perceived negative (ie no car) then omit the info, get a higher quantity of responses, and then filter them out as you see fit afterwards.

If a person doesn't have a car he/she would do just fine in a city with good public transportation.

I’d add that avoiding mentioning deal breaks is bad. I’m going mention I work retail and don’t have a car in my ads. I’ve wasted weeks with women talking only to have them end it when they find out, so seems better to mention it right away and avoid wasting my time and emotions.

She would. Guys won’t. My city has one of the top public transportation systems in the whole United States. Women still won’t date men who don’t have a car here.