Keep Getting Banned/Trouble with People

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EmFromOuterSpace
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15 Feb 2018, 6:39 am

I haven't been on here as much, I'd like to more, but since stupid Facebook is such an integral part of life and networking and all of that stupid stuff, I've been on more groups and spending more time in autism groups there. Thing is, I keep getting banned, usually following me getting really upset and perhaps lashing out I guess? But there's never an explanation and I seriously don't get it. Not to mention that me lashing out is frequently a low key meltdown due to people saying a variety of ableist things (I have a variety of other disorders as well).
Then there's the fact that I'm very much a mixture of logical and very sensitive so I don't end up getting along with either type of person (although I get along with sensitive people more easily, the overly logical types usually upset me too much). I'm just feeling like a bad person, like I'm not meant to get along with anyone, and I wish I wasn't so reactive.



kraftiekortie
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15 Feb 2018, 7:57 am

Sometimes, when people say “ableist” things, they don’t mean to harm; they just don’t understand certain things too well.

In these instances, educating them is much more useful than getting angry. Getting angry solves nothing.

And you can make a friend through providing new insights.

I’ve learned quite a bit on WrongPlanet.



fluffysaurus
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15 Feb 2018, 8:23 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
I’ve learned quite a bit on WrongPlanet.

Me too :D

I never mastered how not to offend on Facebook even though I was only talking to people I knew in real life and we weren't even disagreeing :? Even written words seem to have a tone of voice that I'm oblivious to.

Don't worry EmFromOuterSpace, it's surprisingly easy to be misunderstood online.

I think an autism group should tell you why they ban you, cus you know, were autistic :D



EmFromOuterSpace
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18 Feb 2018, 6:32 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
Sometimes, when people say “ableist” things, they don’t mean to harm; they just don’t understand certain things too well.

In these instances, educating them is much more useful than getting angry. Getting angry solves nothing.

And you can make a friend through providing new insights.

I’ve learned quite a bit on WrongPlanet.


It shouldn't have to be my job to educate people on these things. And it's not like I can just "not" get angry? If something's triggering, then it's triggering, and I have a lot of literal trauma surrounding this kinda stuff. I know I need to work on not responding to things, but I'm so tired of people giving me crap for being super sensitive and on edge given the kind of ways ableism (of a variety of kinds- I have multiple kinds of disabilities) has ruined my life and deeply hurt me.

Especially meltdowns... I can't really control those, at least not yet. I'd expect people on an autism board to have more sympathy for that. :cry:



fluffysaurus
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18 Feb 2018, 8:40 am

EmFromOuterSpace wrote:
kraftiekortie wrote:
Sometimes, when people say “ableist” things, they don’t mean to harm; they just don’t understand certain things too well.

In these instances, educating them is much more useful than getting angry. Getting angry solves nothing.

And you can make a friend through providing new insights.

I’ve learned quite a bit on WrongPlanet.


It shouldn't have to be my job to educate people on these things. And it's not like I can just "not" get angry? If something's triggering, then it's triggering, and I have a lot of literal trauma surrounding this kinda stuff. I know I need to work on not responding to things, but I'm so tired of people giving me crap for being super sensitive and on edge given the kind of ways ableism (of a variety of kinds- I have multiple kinds of disabilities) has ruined my life and deeply hurt me.

Especially meltdowns... I can't really control those, at least not yet. I'd expect people on an autism board to have more sympathy for that. :cry:

There was a big autism meeting near where I live that I planed to go to. I looked it up on the internet, the information was just like anything else. Nothing about how big the room would be or would it be outside would there be food or could you come and go. How many people would there be? loud? quiet? God knows? apparently it was run by autistic people :? :(

I am telling you the following only because it could be contributing to the problems you are having. Please don't be offended. I read that you are very sensitive, are you aware that your posts are very direct and imply the complete opposite. I vary how I respond to different people by the way they post, if you hadn't sad you were sensitive I would have wrongly assumed you were at the other end (not horrible but direct and a bit insensitive) I would then have responded (not rudely) but in a more direct and less sensitive way. It might be an idea on WP to make a signature about this such as 'I am very sensitive, if I sound like I'm shouting, I'm probably having a meltdown' This would then come up at the bottom of your posts each time.



kraftiekortie
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18 Feb 2018, 8:43 am

I can understand getting triggered....but websites have to have standards, otherwise everything will go crazy, and things won’t make sense. Soon, it won’t be a viable forum. It will become like 4Chan—a website for racist nuts.

It is also essential, to function in the “real world,” to sometimes restrain your instinctual reactions. People frequently don’t mean to trigger people. They don’t know you. They don’t know your sensitivities. The way to prevent being triggered is to educate people on what triggers you, and be respectful about it.

If people don’t respect each other, things get permanently unpleasant. This can be prevented through conveying knowledge. If people don’t acknowledge you after you’ve educated them, then they should be ignored.

If anybody calls me an “ableist,” I get angry inside. I feel like having a meltdown. I am triggered. But I know that I have to explain myself, to educate the person calling me this insult. If I show my anger, nothing gets accomplished.

No, it is “not my job” to educate people rather than just get angry and lash out....but I find that it is :D better to explain myself, and I can make a friend in the process.

I had a terrible temper when I was younger. This included destroying things when I was in preschool. So I can relate to how you’re feeling.



EmFromOuterSpace
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18 Feb 2018, 9:21 am

fluffysaurus wrote:
I read that you are very sensitive, are you aware that your posts are very direct and imply the complete opposite. I vary how I respond to different people by the way they post, if you hadn't sad you were sensitive I would have wrongly assumed you were at the other end (not horrible but direct and a bit insensitive) I would then have responded (not rudely) but in a more direct and less sensitive way. It might be an idea on WP to make a signature about this such as 'I am very sensitive, if I sound like I'm shouting, I'm probably having a meltdown' This would then come up at the bottom of your posts each time.


That's part of my problem, I'm extremely sensitive in a personal sense but less so in an interpersonal sense. And I do also have a lot of the more logical and bluntness aspects as well, and the two clash badly. Basically, the more upset I get, the harder it is to deal with other people in a "civil" manner. And my body reacts to things faster than my mind does and takes over in a way, so if someone says/does something triggering or perceived as hurtful, it's really hard to not impulsively react strongly. And the strong physical component makes it really hard to regulate my more "conscious" emotions if that makes sense.

The signature idea is a good one! I might do something like that.



EmFromOuterSpace
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18 Feb 2018, 9:30 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
I can understand getting triggered....but websites have to have standards, otherwise everything will go crazy, and things won’t make sense. Soon, it won’t be a viable forum. It will become like 4Chan—a website for racist nuts.

It is also essential, to function in the “real world,” to sometimes restrain your instinctual reactions. People frequently don’t mean to trigger people. They don’t know you. They don’t know your sensitivities. The way to prevent being triggered is to educate people on what triggers you, and be respectful about it.

If people don’t respect each other, things get permanently unpleasant. This can be prevented through conveying knowledge. If people don’t acknowledge you after you’ve educated them, then they should be ignored.

If anybody calls me an “ableist,” I get angry inside. I feel like having a meltdown. I am triggered. But I know that I have to explain myself, to educate the person calling me this insult. If I show my anger, nothing gets accomplished.

No, it is “not my job” to educate people rather than just get angry and lash out....but I find that it is :D better to explain myself, and I can make a friend in the process.

I had a terrible temper when I was younger. This included destroying things when I was in preschool. So I can relate to how you’re feeling.


Yeah, I mean I get that I have to get my reactionary side in check, but at the same time, my anger can be valid and frequently the thing that happened that was upsetting shouldn't have happened in the first place. I usually just don't even have the energy to educate people, and sometimes I can't even put a finger on why exactly I'm upset until it blows up and I think about it more and I realize what's so upsetting (in words). I took an alexithymia quiz earlier, and it said I ranked pretty high, go figure. :lol:

It's a common occurrence that my anger was valid and the other person did something they shouldn't, but my reaction was too intense, and I end up looking like a bad guy. Like I had this roommate who was my friend who said that she pitied our autistic friend and thought of him as a charity and put me down for not devoting time/energy to him after he upset me over and over, and I had a meltdown at her. No one heard what she said or got why it was upsetting, but everyone heard me yelling, so I'm the bad guy. It's always like that :(

Basically like I said earlier, my body will react faster than my brain, and I have this compulsion basically to explain myself and be understood, so I 1. end up arguing with people who will never get it and 2. end up arguing when I'm not in the right state of mind and I'm making everything worse, but it's pretty much a compulsion at this point. And I'm trying to work on it, but it's really hard when I don't even realize how I'm feeling until I'm deep into the argument/tirade.



kraftiekortie
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18 Feb 2018, 9:33 am

Yep. Fluffy is a genius this time.

I wish I would have come up with that.

I get triggered when somebody beats me at something. Very triggered. Including the bodily stuff.

But I’ve learned that, instead of allowing my feelings to overwhelm me, to think about trying to do better next time.

Thank you for explaining yourself. It took courage.



kraftiekortie
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18 Feb 2018, 11:49 am

I find you being upset with that guy for violating your boundaries is quite valid, by the way.



hale_bopp
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18 Feb 2018, 2:02 pm

Facebook is a delicate place where you get booted from a group for simply mentioning your height preference in men after being asked.

So I wouldn’t take Facebook seriously. It’s full of a lot of Social justice warriors who gang bash people for mentioning the term “low functioning”. It very unlikely you that’s the problem there.



Chronos
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19 Feb 2018, 6:05 am

EmFromOuterSpace wrote:
I haven't been on here as much, I'd like to more, but since stupid Facebook is such an integral part of life and networking and all of that stupid stuff, I've been on more groups and spending more time in autism groups there. Thing is, I keep getting banned, usually following me getting really upset and perhaps lashing out I guess? But there's never an explanation and I seriously don't get it. Not to mention that me lashing out is frequently a low key meltdown due to people saying a variety of ableist things (I have a variety of other disorders as well).
Then there's the fact that I'm very much a mixture of logical and very sensitive so I don't end up getting along with either type of person (although I get along with sensitive people more easily, the overly logical types usually upset me too much). I'm just feeling like a bad person, like I'm not meant to get along with anyone, and I wish I wasn't so reactive.


Sometimes people on the internet say things that are upsetting. However, knowing you are sensitive, I think it would be beneficial for you to keep that in mind when someone says something that upsets you, such that you can give that person the benefit of the doubt that perhaps they did not intend to upset you, or come across as malicious as you perceived them to be.



Chronos
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19 Feb 2018, 6:09 am

EmFromOuterSpace wrote:
fluffysaurus wrote:
I read that you are very sensitive, are you aware that your posts are very direct and imply the complete opposite. I vary how I respond to different people by the way they post, if you hadn't sad you were sensitive I would have wrongly assumed you were at the other end (not horrible but direct and a bit insensitive) I would then have responded (not rudely) but in a more direct and less sensitive way. It might be an idea on WP to make a signature about this such as 'I am very sensitive, if I sound like I'm shouting, I'm probably having a meltdown' This would then come up at the bottom of your posts each time.


That's part of my problem, I'm extremely sensitive in a personal sense but less so in an interpersonal sense. And I do also have a lot of the more logical and bluntness aspects as well, and the two clash badly. Basically, the more upset I get, the harder it is to deal with other people in a "civil" manner. And my body reacts to things faster than my mind does and takes over in a way, so if someone says/does something triggering or perceived as hurtful, it's really hard to not impulsively react strongly. And the strong physical component makes it really hard to regulate my more "conscious" emotions if that makes sense.

The signature idea is a good one! I might do something like that.


I knew someone like this. She was very quick to be offended but also very blunt. If there were two of her she would have offended herself.

Something such as dielectical therapy might be useful to you.