Misunderstanding with my director of worship

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Hi:
I currently attend a congregation and though I have friends there, I still feel like an outsider in so many ways. To tack onto that, the leader doesn't know how to talk to me and often doesn't get it that some of the other members act like I am a half of a person. For example, people will have a conversation and I will join only to hear them change the subject to light things about "Cats and movies." It's upsetting because I am interested in other people and what is going on in their lives.

Back to the leader, he is basically very controlling and has made it clear that he wants me to fit into their mold and follow their rules or else. Anything like pacing back and forth, drawing attention to myself will upset other people in the congregation and make them feel uncomfortable.
He also has had this thing where he is giving me "Fist bumps," whenever I mention doing things that he approves of and talks to me in a patronizing tone. "Yeah way to go."

I finally wrote him an email about my concerns and even made it clear that I am a functioning adult and that I am being treated differently. He wrote back and basically said that I was behaving that way he wanted me to this past weekend other than when I told him "I am not a child" when he attempted to give me another fist bump and how that was rude.

Finally, he said that I can forget trying to get other people to respect me by demanding it but that if I want to be "Accepted" I have to respect other people first and earn it back and that I need to stop worrying about how others treat me but how I "Treat them."

Anyway I can combat this ?

By not going there anymore....

Why stick around somewhere people refuse to respect you and treat you like a small child or someone with a severe intellectual disability? Also who is this congregation leader to tell you how to 'behave' does he tell the other adults there how they should behave?

IDK might be better to just quit going there.

I remember when I was much younger and going to church because my mom made me and my siblings go...there was a woman with some adopted children that I guess rubbed some of the 'leadership' the wrong way and eventually she and her kids just stopped coming because people wouldn't stop being rude, talking behind their back and constantly calling her a trouble maker. I think all it was, was some disagreement on the best way to use youth group funds. But yeah seems like once people in a religious congregation decide a person doesn't fit in, there is no way for that person to change it.

Well throwing a football in the middle of a service is something that is actually disruptive, I mean has he gotten on other people for little things like pacing? Or mostly just you like what I mean is does it seem like hes mostly singling you out? And what does he mean by you have to follow the rules, what rules were you even breaking? Based on your post it doesn't sound like you're all that disruptive compared to the guys trying to start a football match in the middle of service so what rules did he mean?

Also, does he give any of the other adults 'first bumps' I am not familiar with what that is but it does seem quite patronizing, so i don't think I'd appreciate such a thing either.

It sounds like a toxic environment regardless of what exactly is going on though, So I still think it would be best to stop going there.

No, I have never seen him give anyone else fistbumps which I called him out about and it was "You've got it all wrong, I give people fist bumps all the time.

Rather, he didn't call me out during his services. Rather, he pulled me to the side and did it

He wants-
1. If there is a service going into the sanctuary quietly and do what everyone else does
2. Don't interrupt him when is in the pulpit - (I did this because I thought members of the audience could give shout-outs.
3. If I am angry, go for a walk or if service goes on, "Go grab one of two nice ladies to talk to about an issue
4.Don't pace back and forth in front of other people

Yes, I agree it can be a toxic environment and the only reason I put up with him is that of his wife, who is much more genuine. I also have some friends there who I sit with at lunch who I enjoy. Other times, I sit with a group of people who like wine and cheese, since I do too. There we talk about deep discussions which I like.