New to posting. Old membership. Rather confused about myself

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NameUndecided
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

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Joined: 27 Mar 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 2

20 Feb 2018, 9:36 pm

A friendly Hi to you all!

I see that I joined this site in… 2007. Wow. Seriously, I only checked just as I started writing this post. I thought it was maybe three or four years ago. Anyway --

This is my first post here. I wanted to express myself and what I'm currently experiencing sommmewhere where it seemed safe, and I remembered the name of this forum and that I was registered.

I'm here because I'm strongly suspecting that I'm on the spectrum and it is shaking my inner-world.
I am a guy in my early thirties. Undiagnosed with any ASD things, but have been told by a few therapists that I'm with "low-grade depression" and ptsd after I, um, told them that I was depressed and probably had PTSD.

I have some physical disabilities, grew up with quite a few doctor visits and surgeries, and only really visited therapists during my twenties to cope with what I felt were effects of those difficult experiences. So when I would tell them "I am upset and confused because of this and this" I suppose it's reasonable that they'd agree, "yes, I can see how you were affected by that and that."

Obviously I have suspected that I was with asperger's before since I've been on this site so long ago. It went a little into the background of my mind, but not outright dismissed by me. But now it has very recently and suddenly popped to the forefront much more loudly and it is fuh-reaking me out in kind of an existential way.

I dove back into looking at ASD things a little more than a week ago because it was occurring to me -- For so long I've believed, was led to believe, that I'm scarred because of actual traumas and that has made me disinterested, hugely shy, loopy in mind or "quirky", have much trouble connecting for deeper relationships, bothered with being touched (wipe it off if I'm brushed or touched, etc), the idea of it burns. But I don't feel like I'm with those traumas as much anymore. I've done lots of inner healing work, introspection, mediations, all things that have helped me tremendously personally. But I still have virtually ALL of these traits that I struggled with and blamed on traumas. In spite of no longer feeling "traumatized" I'm still a weirdo (i mean in good humor toward myself. no disrespect intended or felt toward anyone).

So I'm sure that self-diagnosis might be super tricky and possibly ill-advised. But right now I'm recognizing so much in video testimonials of people with ASD. Online tests like on aspietests.org seem to be pointing in this direction, and I am being mindful to answer questions honestly and not lead a test to say one way or another.

I think for so much of my life, I feel like my family has cut me slack for being atypical because I had atypical (damaging) experiences and this caused low expectations? Or maybe I'm only projecting. I don't know why I was never diagnosed before; I don't know for certain if this is just all in my mind getting worked up. But my traits are real. My struggles that I've noticed consistently aren't imaginary.

And I don't know how much I want to pursue formal diagnosis at this time. I do still feel badly toward doctors. I feel somewhat bitter about previous experiences with therapists who simply told me "nah bro, you're just upset" and that never felt entirely right and they never gave me solutions. And I don't quite see the purpose of a diagnosis because I don't need to show anyone a certificate, I don't think, for any accommodations.

I'm just confused. I want some clarity. Not to say I'd be elated to have it officially acknowledged. I still don't quite know what it all means. I told a couple of friends who I only speak with online that I think this might be the case for me and I worry it might have been too-much-information for them, even though we've talked openly and supportively about personal issues before. I haven't heard back from them yet and it might have come off as a weird thing for me to say about myself and it might have been sort of alienating from their perspective.

This turned out to be a long post but I want to clarify I'm not as knowledgeable on these subjects as many of you probably are. If I've made any generalizations or my ignorance shines too bright or anything else, I really do apologize. If you have questions for clarification, I don't blame you. I might be happy to answer.

Anyway. Hello. I'm new here. Been a member for about eleven years. Thank you for your time if you've decided to read. : )



AnonymousAnonymous
Veteran
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Joined: 23 Nov 2006
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 69,880
Location: Portland, Oregon

20 Feb 2018, 10:05 pm

Welcome to Wrong Planet! :)


_________________
Silly NTs, I have Aspergers, and having Aspergers is gr-r-reat!


NameUndecided
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

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Joined: 27 Mar 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 2

21 Feb 2018, 2:50 pm

thx



vest9
Butterfly
Butterfly

Joined: 19 Feb 2018
Gender: Female
Posts: 17

23 Feb 2018, 7:51 pm

Hi, I'm back after about decade off the forum too, welcome back to WP x