Camouflaging

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https://spectrumnews.org/features/deep- ... ng-autism/

This sort of things explains so much of why I've felt like a fraud for a lot of my life, even as a very young child.

yeh, certainly a massive part of my life for years. I though of it as acting more than the term camouflage but I think they are one in the same in this instance.

I do it less now as it is far to exhausting, I think that is why more and more I hate going out because I know the effort and mental exertion it is going to take. I have to prepare for every eventuality and that takes hours of planning before I leave the house. This might be just to go and get some shopping or go to the post office.

Going out with friends is another thing altogether. When they say lets meet for coffee I have to know exactly where and what time, then I will plan how I will get there and if I haven't been there before I have seen myself go and check the place out some days before, just so I can concentrate on the task at hand which is appearing all hey, great to see ye with my friends and not, constantly looking around at exits, table placement, what to order, toilets. etc. I will also plan several topics of conversation relating to each individual and try and look interested when a topic I hadn't thought of is covered.

There are so many things to think about when you are out masking and acting NT that now in my late 30s I've just had enough. I am bloody exhausted to the point of depression. The problem I now have is that I can't just act myself, because no-one knows who that is (I don't even know if I know anymore).

To sum up, I feel very similar to how you feel re being a fraud but I know my actions were not meant in malice, intact I think more the opposite. I did it to make my friends and the people I met more comfortable. Maybe I shouldn't have done this as it has certainly left a mental scar but it was a coping tool and the only one I new how to do.

Sad but interesting reading.

I think camouflaging for me has been the most painful aspect.
It's left me reeling after having social situations because I suppress or add on to my personality to make others more comfortable or even tolerable.

I don't know what my fear is with being 100% myself, maybe because I know I can be perceived as mean or dumb or even slow. Not always understanding jokes or people's interests, even their choices in music. Having no interest in social climbing or meeting celebrities.

Sometimes I feel odd or like a complete weirdo freak but now I realise I don't owe anyone anything and people can assume all they want about me but that doesn't mean I should change to meet their expectations.

Lool most of my anxiety is due to my fear of not camouflaging. Having a meltdown in public because I'm lost and can't understand directions. Not knowing how to pretend to be comfortable in public places, the underground, crowds, cities and brightly lit places. Masking how uncomfortable I am by laughing inappropriately.

^^ so sad to read this. It is something I think a lot about at the moment as my daughter is starting to have friendship issues here and there.

I think the main reason I am as "ok" as I am is that I never really masked after I moved out from my mums and I moved out really young. After I moved I was a Swedish girl living by myself in the uk., with my own rules, my own agenda and fairly quirky. There was no way I was not going to be accepted as myself as there were so many other differences going on that explained my "difference" from the rest. So I ended up being seen as different in a cool way. If I would have stayed in Sweden I would have just been weird! Saying that,there were years where I was still stuck caring what others thought and trying to perpetuate that notion of being cool and different and tried to match expectations and do the right thing.

Even as an adult and mother I spent quite a while thinking we had to be social for the best of my children and had endless lunches and cake get togethers that made me want to blow my brains out. it is only recently I have the true confidence to say to myself that it is ok to not want to be social, that i am pretty happy with myself the way I am.

With regard to the being uncomfortable in social situations, public places etc, having a book and some music helps me. Even if you just pretend to read the book at least it gives you something to hold and look at.

I worry about how to help my daughter not mask and camouflage. She is 8 now and often goes in to the bathroom to cry at school when she feels it is too much. I would rather she cried in the bathroom now and again rather than attempting to be like all the others. How can I make her feel she should just be herself. She also has really strong special interests, doesn't like traditional things other girls her age like and becomes fairly obsessive about her interests.

@ elsapelsa

Thank you for the encouragement and thank you for supporting your daughter, especially as it makes me realise this is the type of support that should be a standard.

I wasn't interested in traditionally girly things either. Looking back I think I constantly tried to adjust myself to be more girly so my mum would like me more.

Honestly just keep affirming your daughter and her self esteem will end up great. She'll even end up making you more confident and self assured

It appears, in my mind, aspies have it hardest when they are young both because the world is less understanding but mostly because they don't have the self understanding to live well whilst being different.

It is very true that having an aspie daughter had made me more confident and self assured. But it has also made me realise that my parent's lack of understanding of me and letting me go when I was so young because I was "unreachable" was a really good thing for me. One day maybe I can even thank them for never understanding me because it was the trigger that made me go out in the world and try and understand myself!

Much better to be yourself with all that entails and find people who are ok with that rather than try and be a replica of everyone else.

@Goldilocks

I really relate to your comment. I also have a lot of anxiety regarding the way other people perceive me and my biggest fear is being seen as stupid, annoying or weird.

I toned down my personality a lot during my teenage years and as a result, ended up being friends with people I didn't really have much in common with and eventually I fell out of contact with all of them.

I still occasionally struggle with being 100% true to myself in front of others, but university opened up so many opportunities for me to find like-minded people and I now have an amazing group of friends and a boyfriend who accept me and my differences. It's awesome to have people that you can feel truly relaxed around, because the constant camouflaging can get pretty mentally exhausting.

For me, it definitely got easier as I got older and was exposed to a wider variety of people.