Do you really think it's that important to fit in?

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lambdamoses
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24 Feb 2018, 8:17 am

I'm trying hard to small talk and I'm getting better at it in recent months, but it's really stressful since I have to think about what to say and force myself to ask about something I'm not really interested in; I feel lonely when while everybody is talking to each other in casual group settings, I'm alone left out or talking about work. I'm also trying to get better at non-verbal communication, since people often respond to me differently.

Meanwhile, I'm wondering whether it's really that important to "fit in" anyway. I didn't really have friends until I got into an elite high school, and since then I stayed in elite environments; perhaps my elementary school and middle school classmates are just not good enough to be friends to begin with, not that I'm too weird and need to fit in. Now I have a few friends (I think they are NT) who are totally fine with my quirks such as talking about science most of the time (because they are life science majors), monotone voice, stimming, mild face blindness, and etc. They nevertheless consider me a good friend because I'm very artless and mean what I say. I can't make friends with people who don't share interests with me or are too "sophisticated"; I'm fine with a small group of friends who really understand.

I'm wondering if I should still bother to waste my time and energy to hide those morally neutral quirks. I believe as long as you are righteous and just, someone will appreciate, however rare these people may be; no social sophistry needed. Though for me, living or working with people for a long time is necessary but not sufficient for them to see beyond my quirks and appreciate (I had lots of roommates and colleagues whom I rarely talked to, nor did they talk to me even though they have many other friends). Wouldn't quirks protect you from superficial people, so you only get true and sincere friends (I suppose most Aspies are not jerks)?

Do you think there's any reason to fit in besides not to appear weird or feel lonely? Perhaps not to be misunderstood? To increase chances of getting friends? But wouldn't a true friend bother to understand?



fluffysaurus
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24 Feb 2018, 8:53 am

It's a good question.

Depends how much effort you are putting into learning smalltalk ect. I do this with work colleagues and it is tiring. The problem with not doing it at all is that NT females will assume that you don't like them. Also if anything bad happens, you will be blamed first, this is simply human nature, people stick up for their friends. I wouldn't bother for in friendships and with family though, these relationships should be based on being yourself. If you don't ask people how they are, they will stop asking you, if you are ok with that then fine, if not then you're better off giving it some effort. Just make sure you're not trying so hard that you're an exhausted wreck. Also as you age people's expectation of your social skills rise :( I find mixed male/female work groups easier, unfortunately they are not common among the jobs I've had to take.



bobaspie2015
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24 Feb 2018, 9:18 am

It really does not bother me if I fit in to NT groups of people, or even Aspie groups.
I guess I have become accustomed to just listening and watching. One of my greatest strengths is my sense of humour so if I am in a group of people I always look for opportunities that point in that direction.
I am not interested in changing so people will like me, it really is exhausting if one seeks that path.
I just be myself and people love me as I am.



fluffysaurus
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24 Feb 2018, 2:01 pm

bobaspie2015 wrote:
I just be myself and people love me as I am.
If I am myself I am found to be difficult, annoying, insensitive, and selfish :( .



Sleepycat001
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06 Mar 2018, 9:47 pm

I only try to fit in if I like a specific trend. Otherwise it's too much work for me