Should I cut ties with this person?

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coalminer
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25 Feb 2018, 9:59 am

I've told this story before, but I'll go over it again: last year, on the way home from spring break vacation, I met a girl who I immediately fell in love with; I'll call her Jenny instead of using her real name. Against all odds, I introduced myself to her without being incredibly awkward, and we had a nice interaction. We played some videogames and asked each other what we liked. I was surprised by how easy Jenny was to talk to, and her personality combined with her hobbies made her seem like the perfect person for me.

We exchanged contact information before I left, and we've been messaging each other ever since. It didn't take long before we became a couple; I asked Jenny if she had a boyfriend, she said no and asked why I asked, I told her I was interested in her, and she said that she didn't mind cutting to the chase. Unfortunately, during fall of last year, Jenny's dad told her that she's not allowed to date until college, which is 4 years away for her. So she asked me if we can just be friends until then, and I agreed.

THE PROBLEM: The difficulties of long-distance relationships are becoming more and more apparent to me. I've come to Jenny's town to see other family multiple times since we met, but we've never gotten a chance to see each other while I'm there for one reason or another. But sometimes I can't even message her; a while ago Jenny got grounded for a month for getting a bad grade on a school thing, and she had to stealth-text me just to tell me what was going on. That incident has passed, but this past week she hasn't responded to any of my texts, so I think she might've gotten grounded again.

It's bad enough that I never get to see Jenny, but not always being able to talk to her is aggravating; it makes the relationship feel unstable. Sometimes I feel just as alone as before I met her, and I'm wondering if it would be better if I just let her go so I can look for someone closer by.

However, I feel like doing that would be an a**hole move, because Jenny has blatantly said that she loves me; she's the first girl to do so, in fact. One time she sent me a written letter and half of a heart-necklace. For aforementioned reasons, Jenny can't currently say that she loves me, but she has before, and I can tell she still does. And despite our difficulties, I still love her, too. I've never met anyone like her. I also promised her that I would push through any challenges that came our way with her, including the 4-year-wait to continue being a couple, so cutting ties with her would be going back on my word as well.

As someone who's going to be in college after this summer, I'm about to meet a bunch of new people; some of whom I may be attracted to. In that scenario, keeping myself reserved for Jenny would be quite the investment, but since us getting back together wouldn't solve the problem of the distance between us, I'm not sure if it would be worth it.


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Chronos
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25 Feb 2018, 10:33 pm

coalminer wrote:
I've told this story before, but I'll go over it again: last year, on the way home from spring break vacation, I met a girl who I immediately fell in love with; I'll call her Jenny instead of using her real name. Against all odds, I introduced myself to her without being incredibly awkward, and we had a nice interaction. We played some videogames and asked each other what we liked. I was surprised by how easy Jenny was to talk to, and her personality combined with her hobbies made her seem like the perfect person for me.

We exchanged contact information before I left, and we've been messaging each other ever since. It didn't take long before we became a couple; I asked Jenny if she had a boyfriend, she said no and asked why I asked, I told her I was interested in her, and she said that she didn't mind cutting to the chase. Unfortunately, during fall of last year, Jenny's dad told her that she's not allowed to date until college, which is 4 years away for her. So she asked me if we can just be friends until then, and I agreed.

THE PROBLEM: The difficulties of long-distance relationships are becoming more and more apparent to me. I've come to Jenny's town to see other family multiple times since we met, but we've never gotten a chance to see each other while I'm there for one reason or another. But sometimes I can't even message her; a while ago Jenny got grounded for a month for getting a bad grade on a school thing, and she had to stealth-text me just to tell me what was going on. That incident has passed, but this past week she hasn't responded to any of my texts, so I think she might've gotten grounded again.

It's bad enough that I never get to see Jenny, but not always being able to talk to her is aggravating; it makes the relationship feel unstable. Sometimes I feel just as alone as before I met her, and I'm wondering if it would be better if I just let her go so I can look for someone closer by.

However, I feel like doing that would be an a**hole move, because Jenny has blatantly said that she loves me; she's the first girl to do so, in fact. One time she sent me a written letter and half of a heart-necklace. For aforementioned reasons, Jenny can't currently say that she loves me, but she has before, and I can tell she still does. And despite our difficulties, I still love her, too. I've never met anyone like her. I also promised her that I would push through any challenges that came our way with her, including the 4-year-wait to continue being a couple, so cutting ties with her would be going back on my word as well.

As someone who's going to be in college after this summer, I'm about to meet a bunch of new people; some of whom I may be attracted to. In that scenario, keeping myself reserved for Jenny would be quite the investment, but since us getting back together wouldn't solve the problem of the distance between us, I'm not sure if it would be worth it.


You might care for Jenny, you might be attracted to her, but love typically takes time to develop. That's just something to keep in mind.

You and Jenny sound young and while your experiences and perspectives are no less valid than an older person's, your brains are still developing, your perspectives on things and outlook in life are still changing rapidly, and you both still have a lot of experiences to be had. Personally I think it might be in the best interest of your social development to put the relationship on hold while you go to college but I would make sure she knows that this isn't because you aren't interested in her. It will allow both of you to have a proper relationship and grow as people and help you better decide if you are right for each other in the future.



kraftiekortie
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26 Feb 2018, 2:47 pm

Why not stay with Jenny? It seems like you're getting along pretty well.

Long distance relationships tend to be aggravating.

How do you really feel about her? Do you really feel strongly that you want her to be your girlfriend?



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26 Feb 2018, 4:27 pm

OP, here's something no one said yet, which you might want to think about. I'm asking because you used the phrase "fell in love", rather than a more down-to-earth term, like "thought she was really cool". Falling in love takes time; what you're feeling is an infatuation. Now, there's nothing with it, but you can't confuse or conflate the two.

Is Jenny (867-5309 :D) the first girl who ever showed romantic interest in you? If so, you might be having a knee-jerk reaction to years of loneliness coming to an end. In which case, your feelings toward Jenny might be stemming from that, rather than from genuine, healthy attraction. Ask yourself these questions: (1) Would you feel the same if a different girl was in her place, and (2) Would you feel the same if she wasn't romantically interested in you.

I'm saying it because I was in the same situation with my first girlfriend, the first year of college. When she showed interest, I was ecstatic. As a result, I put her on a pedestal to high, that I couldn't see her face without breaking my neck. When in retrospect, I found her pretty unattractive, and was bored with her most of the time. She didn't like to go out and try new restaurants and museums, like I hoped to do with her. All we did was walk around campus, eat at a mundane diner a few blocks away, visit a touristy river promenade on our first date, and go to a dance once.

Another thing: you said she's 4 years away from college, which makes her a freshman in high school. How old are you? If you're close to or over 18, forget any and all romantic ideas! Be friends only, if that.



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26 Feb 2018, 6:42 pm

Chronos,

Let me make sure I understand what you're suggesting: You think that Jenny and I should stop contacting each other for a few years, then check in to see if we're still compatible?

kraftiekortie,

The reason why I'm not sure if I should stay with Jenny is because I'm putting more into the relationship than I'm getting out, and I can't tell if that's going to change or not. Yes, I want Jenny to be my girlfriend, but I specifically want her to be a girlfriend I can see regularly and talk to in person. Otherwise, it doesn't feel much different than not being in a relationship at all.

Aspie1,

You might be right about only being infatuated initially, but I'm definitely in love now. More than enough time has passed for that.

Yes, Jenny is the first person to be attracted to me. But I'm positive that I'm genuinely attracted to her; her traits tick all the right marks for me, so I can't imagine how I couldn't be in love. If a girl with different traits was in her place, I doubt I would feel as strongly.

And about the second question: About a year before I met Jenny, I pursued a girl who eventually revealed that she wasn't romantically interested in me, and my romantic feelings for her stopped soon after. I learned a long time ago that trying to date someone who's not interested in you is a waste of time. If Jenny wasn't romantically interested in me, I would lose interest in her as well.

And yes, Jenny is a freshman in high school, while I'm a senior in high school. But I don't think 3 years is much of a gap (even at our age), and if we do end up keeping in touch and living together eventually, then it won't even matter. Age gaps aren't nearly as big a deal in the adult world as they are during the teen years.


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kraftiekortie
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26 Feb 2018, 7:03 pm

I agree.

It was very common for freshman girls to date senior guys when I was growing up. It wasn't frowned upon at all. It was considered "normal."

When I was a senior, I dated a sophomore.

This is because girls mature faster than boys. Many freshman boys are still kids. It would be "perverted" for a fully-developed 14-year-old girl to go out with a 14-year-old boy who still really looks like a kid. I looked like a kid when I was 14.



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27 Feb 2018, 1:41 am

coalminer wrote:
Chronos,

Let me make sure I understand what you're suggesting: You think that Jenny and I should stop contacting each other for a few years, then check in to see if we're still compatible?


Not necessarily stop contacting each other, but take a break from dating each other.



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27 Feb 2018, 5:44 am

A break usually means a break up.



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27 Feb 2018, 6:40 am

Dating/social life are incompatible with educational standards. If school isn’t that important, then no problem. As for me, I want my kids’ noses stuck in their books until they finish college. I recognize that as a parent there’s only just so much control I have over that, but—as they say, “my roof, my rules.”

I say let this one go and come back to it in four years. Keep contact as best you can but keep the pressure off yourself and her. You might feel differently by then, and I mean both of you.

You’ll be done or mostly done with college yourself. You might be in a supportive position that lets her both do well with school and enjoy a relationship that doesn’t put any pressure on her.

When I got to grad school, I did the typical grad student thing and picked a youthful and innocent freshman girl to corrupt. ;-) Most of our alone time was spent studying, and I think I was hardest on her being my accompanist (Brahms ain’t easy). We both did really well, intimacy was AWESOME, and we had appropriate leisure time to recharge for more studying.

A lot of relationships end up being about spending so much time together there’s no room for anything or anyone else. It can work for, say, mealtimes and after hours after your homework is done. But as a graduate I spent most of my time sequestered in the library. I also had a part time job as tech support in the MIDI lab at the music library, so I could work on my thesis until someone needed help. It worked out that we might see each other 3-5 hours most days. But everything else came first. We didn’t bring each other any drama.

So it’s not like it can’t work. It’s just that’s not what you really expect most of the time. Relationships bring a lot of demands and drama. If you’re lucky enough to avoid that, great.



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27 Feb 2018, 9:41 am

Thank you for your advice, everyone.

The most common answer I'm seeing is that I should continue being friends with Jenny, then decide how our relationship should go once she's in college. That's what we've been doing, but I think she's assuming that we're supposed to keep ourselves single until she's old enough, which is also what I initially assumed. Even though we're just friends right now, going out with someone else would still be cheating.

The thing I'm worried about is that I may never be able to live closer to Jenny, even after we've both gone through college. And if that ends up being the case, then I would have to say goodbye to her.

There's also the possibility that I might meet someone in college (or beyond) that I'm also attracted to; I don't believe that there's only one other person in the whole world that a person is compatible with. And it would be a terrible situation if that were to happen while I was still keeping in touch with Jenny; I couldn't just tell her "Hey, I met someone else who I can actually see sometimes, sorry if you still loved me."

So, should I let Jenny go now and free myself in case I meet someone in a better position to date me later on? Or should I continue keeping myself reserved for Jenny and hope that we can eliminate the distance between us eventually?

It seems risky regardless which I choose...


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28 Feb 2018, 9:21 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
A break usually means a break up.


That's just because people use it as a way to get out of a relationship with someone they want to break up with.

But if people break up and don't come back together because they find partners they like better, it's not a negative thing.



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03 Mar 2018, 4:37 am

You actually don't need to make a decision at all. Wait and see what does or does not develop at college.
There is a good chance one or both of you will find someone else. In the meantime, it might be a good idea to respect her family's wishes.



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03 Mar 2018, 4:51 am

coalminer wrote:
One time she sent me a written letter and half of a heart-necklace.


Why half? That would sound alarm bells to me.



coalminer
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03 Mar 2018, 9:34 am

Tequila,

It's a whole necklace with a half-heart hanging off it; Jenny has a similar one with the other half on it. Sadly, I don't get to wear mine as often as I would like, since it's really hard to put on and take off...

beady,

I think that's what I'm going to do. Thank you.


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03 Mar 2018, 6:19 pm

I think you two can be practical about this, and realize that your life spaces make it impossible for you to be in an exclusive relationship right now. A relationship cannot thrive when you never see each other, so it is inevitable that it will eventually feel like a burden to one or both of you. Because neither of you want that, the most loving thing you can do for each other is agree not to be a couple, but to stay in touch with each other so you can see where things are at when or if you both reach a life space you can be together in. Whether you stay in touch as friends who continue to share all the little things in your days, or only a few times a year just to not forget each other, is something you two would have to decide together. It can be a very uncomfortable balance to find, so know that going in. After all, neither of you is going to want to know about each other's dates, and you both are probably going to wonder about them anyway. That factor plays off against the fact that you both are probably used to sharing little things daily and could feel lonely if you stop. You can try it one way for a month and check back in after that to see how you both feel it has been working.

You don't phrase this as a discussion about a break up, but as a discussion of the reality no relationship can thrive when you never see each other, and that because of that fact you are realizing you cannot sustain things the way they are for four more years.

Life space is the tough thing about young love. Neither of you are fully in control of your free time and living situations, and neither of you will be for quite a long time. That means that relationships are subject to a lot restraints coming from outside the two of you as a couple, and that can make really being a couple impossible. I have many fond memories of men I connected to or even loved but wasn't in the right life space for. Recognizing reality can be very bittersweet. I wasn't able to stay in touch with most so I guess I will never know what might have been. Since I'm happily married I hope they are, too.

I've seen it go both ways on ultimate outcome. Most people decide to stop being a couple and gradually fade away from each other all together as they discover new situations and new people. But sometimes people decide to stop being a couple to be practical, realize they can't make it without each other, and end up soldiering through the distance together. Right now, you really don't know, which is why I would never suggest you shut the door altogether.

You don't have to have this conversation in the short term if your real worry is about what happens when you go away to college. That pending life change could be the open door for discussing it when the time is closer.

Whatever you two decide, decide it together. If she isn't willing to have this conversation, she may not really be mature enough to be in a "real" relationship, and one of the reasons she loves you could be because the whole relationship is at a safe distance. That would not be a good sign for the future. The last thing you want is to wait four years as a long distance couple, finally get together, and break up in a month because it turns out that subconsciously she never really wanted you in person anyway. If she really cares about you, she will want what is best for both of you as a couple.

I do hope whatever decision gets made works for both of you.


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03 Mar 2018, 7:08 pm

DW_a_mom wrote:
Life space is the tough thing about young love. Neither of you are fully in control of your free time and living situations, and neither of you will be for quite a long time. That means that relationships are subject to a lot restraints coming from outside the two of you as a couple, and that can make really being a couple impossible. I have many fond memories of men I connected to or even loved but wasn't in the right life space for. Recognizing reality can be very bittersweet. I wasn't able to stay in touch with most so I guess I will never know what might have been. Since I'm happily married I hope they are, too.
I get where you're coming from, but look at it from the other angle. "Young love" is the best kind of love. Your body is in tip-top shape. You're still bright-eyes and bushy-tailed, ready to take on the world headstrong. Your hopes haven't been dashed. Your dreams haven't been shattered. Your soul hasn't been jaded. It's just you, your boyfriend/girlfriend, and the unexplored world. From an evolutionary point of view, humans were meant to achieve independence from their parents right at puberty: age 12 or so. In which case, everybody once had a real shot at young love. Sadly, that's not true today: parents, society, and civilization are all taking it away from most teens. At least those capable of finding it. Just like the OP, who's going to lose out on what could be a life-changing positive experience.

Sadly, I never go to experience young love. Even my first relationship, freshman year of college, was so fraught with hassle and frustration, that it hardly passes for "young love". It soured me on pretty much all relationships ever since. I went from viewing them as something beautiful and fun, to a glorified escort service. (And later, I started seeing real escorts.) The closest I came to young love was during a brief encounter with a girl I once met on a cruise: I was 29, she was 23. By then, I already lost a tooth and started losing hair, but the feeling was eerily similar. (I lost another tooth and 15% of my hair since then. :()