Depersonalisation disorder is more of a possibility

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I've just had my sesh with my therapist today. I got to explaining my odd feelings of not really being here sometimes. He's suggested it very much does sound like depersonalisation disorder. I also talked to him about my random imagination, I'm not sure if it's related or not, but I've never talked to anyone about it in this sort of detail before and it's the first sesh I've found to be the most insightful.

I feel like I have this overactive creative brain that is channeling my creativity the only way it knows how - by taking me into a different world. And I am using this ability to channel my anxiety. So, I can see something that I'm not sure about and suddenly my brain is creating a whole new circumstance and reality evolving from what I saw (or heard). And I also think, coming back to the dpd that stressful environments are causing me to detach from the stress and anxiety around me and sort of placing me in a mental bubble where everything that causes my stress and anxiety is then perceived as unreal and I'm suddenly not really there.

I'm very artistic, but I feel like my skill isn't good enough and what I have in mind is never easy to transfer into the real world so I struggle to get my creativity out. I think this has an important role to play in all that I experience. And all this coupled with everything I experience being more visual internally rather than anything that can easily be described with words just fuels that inner creativity that I'm struggling to channel outwards.

I'm sorry if this post doesn't make any sense, I'm just trying to get everything out as I'm processing it in my head. There's a lot going on right now.

Don't worry, you are making perfect sense!

I'm familiar with depersonalisation (and its close cousin derealisation), and having spoken before about it here and on other forums, I think it's not uncommon for autistic people. It's also a very common reaction for any person to stress or shock (I suppose I don't need to say how familiar with stress many of us here are!). I find it particularly prominent when I'm hyper-focused on something, and it's also a useful warning sign that a melt-down or shut-down are approaching. When I'm lost in special interests, circular thoughts and stimming, or when I need to escape overstimulation, I have been known to walk for miles and then have no memory whatsoever of how I reached my destination, and I completely lose track of time, hunger, thirst etc. (since long before my autism diagnosis, I described making music and paintings as "somewhere I go" rather than "something I do.)

I also didn't realise that this was an "unusual" state of mind until it was recognised during therapy, so it's good to hear that your therapist has been able to point it out to you clearly. However, I would sound one note of caution - if you have other autistic traits, it may (or may not) be more accurate to describe it as an aspect of autism, or a consequence of it, rather than as a condition in its own right. I say that because I had several therapists before I was finally diagnosed with autism, each of whom disregarded other autistic traits once they had identified something specific which they assumed to be the answer to everything. I think its very important to get to the bottom of why your mind enters this state before jumping to the conclusion that it is a standalone "disorder", and hopefully this is what your therapist will be investigating next.

I used to feel this when I was alone. It was terrifying, like my mind was being sucked out of my head. It doesn't bother me now that I know what it is. I truly used to think I was the only person who had ever experienced it.

Today it feels very full on. Like my mind is stuck somewhere completely different. But at the same time it's nowhere.

I can't seem to pull myself into the here and now. I'm constantly in a daze.

There's something i pulled myself up on this morning that i know happens often, but i have not been overly aware of it until now.

I got off the bus this morning while on my way to work. I was walking down the road, away from the bus. Yet I had to think to myself; "Did i remember to get off the bus?"

Well, duh, I'm walking, i'm outside. I'm obviously not on the bus anymore, of course i remembered to get off the bus!!

But why would i think that i didn't? And i know this happens often as i'm regularly having to ask myself questions regarding if i made sure to do something or not, including really obvious stuff.

It may be the result of overstimulation, your brain refuses to take in the new information. Assumption it's depersonalisation disorder will get you nowhere, even if you're not diagnosed do things like you were autistic, avoid confusing situations, sensory overload, etc, for some time and see if it helped. It may also be the result of a bad diet, if you're autistic you may have intolerance for many foods. Have you tried supplementing calcium?

One more idea. You may be thinking too much verbally, if you're not good at multitasking it may prevent your brain from gathering information about the world around you. In that case you should try not to think, just be and see. And when you have some creative idea don't force yourself to translate it into language, or other "outside" form, just let it be as it is. Don't try to constantly communicate with the outside world, just take some time to be REALLY alone.