14 year old - OCD probable aspergers and behaviour

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Diagnosed over a year ago with OCD. Im in the UK so access to proper healthcare is poor.
We paid for him to see a private psychiatrist and he now takes Sertaline. Psych also suspects Aspergers.

His behaviour has got increasingly violent. Three times he has assaulted me - last week he punched me in the face several times. Even the slightest thing seems to set him off - any sort of disagreement with him at all.

After last week we removed his PC, mobile phone etc. Today he kicked off because I wouldn't give it back because he says we dont trust him. We've caught him this week sneaking his phone and using his PC.

Hes been given things to do by his counsellor - keep a record etc. He just can't be bothered to do it.
I bought him a book for teenagers about Aspergers - cant be bothered.
Trying to get him to go on forums with other young people like himself - can't be bothered.

I've tried to explain to him that we're not taking things away from him to be spiteful but things have got really serious now (after the punching) and he needs time to think, try and start doing the things the counsellor suggests etc. I know full well when his PC is back then there is no chance of anything else making a dent.

Its almost as if hes forgotten/doesnt care about last week. Counsellor is currently considering whether he has OCD even. He spends hours in the bathroom doing what he needs but says he does not stress about. He has no panics or thoughts of something nasty happening.

He can play PC games for hours, take an hour in the bathroom, then go back. Its almost as if hes settled on this is how things are going to be so never mind. At home I guess hes in his comfort zone.

He takes his meds when he can be bothered too.

Interesting he has no issues at all at school. Teachers look at me as if I'm talking Greek when I ask them if there are problems with him. It is only at home.

In a way its lucky because he would have been excluded from school/in a police cell if he'd done what he does at home. Then again sometimes I wish he would because then we'd have someone else to fight our corner.

We just can't get through to him at the moment but can see things sliding down a very steep slippery slope especially with the violence. Im a big lad and can handle him but hes bigger than his mother and hes got a 4 year old sister (who he has lost his temper with once or twice).

Access to help is VERY limited indeed here in the UK.

Welcome to WrongPlanet.

I think that this is a very important observation, and from what I've seen here and on other forums, it is also quite a common experience reported by parents. When I was a teenager, my autism was not yet diagnosed, but my behaviour was similar - goody two-shoes at school, but far more obvious difficulties at home, including running away from home.

It sounds to me as if your son is a clever lad, and he has identified ways to adapt his behaviour at school so that he can "fit in" and avoid unwanted kinds of attention. The trouble is, that although many of us can do this quite successfully for limited periods of time, there is a huge cost to be paid. It involves using a huge amount of conscious "processing power" to get ourselves to conform to "normal" behaviour - essentially we are consciously acting out a role which comes naturally and with little effort for the non-autistic people around us. The exhaustion, frustration and anxiety which this leads to is often "bottled up" in order to maintain the pretence that we are no different than our peers because we are so self-conscious about being "found out".

When we arrive home after school (or work, later in life), the energy reserves that are needed in order to maintain the self-control that keeps autistic traits hidden can be completely exhausted. This can make autistic traits express themselves much more severely once we are in our "sanctuary" away from the demands of the outside world (it's not so much that we have a "short fuse", it's just that the fuse has already burned most of the way down already). It's not uncommon that parents report their child's autism becoming "worse" as the demands of school life and socialising become greater, particularly during the teen years when puberty starts to change social expectations. In reality, it may be that coping strategies which used to be used at home are deteriorating because they are being over-used in situations outside the home, and the bottled up frustration and anxiety from "passing as normal" are then showing themselves as defiance and the apathy characteristic of depression.

Completely removing his access to his PC, games etc. might be counter-productive in this situation. Losing ourselves in a "special interest" can be a necessary part of recovering from a "burned out" state - switching ourselves off from the demands of the outside world for a while so that the overworked parts of our brain can recover (and along with it, our self-control.) From an autistic person's point of view, not being able to do this can seem particularly unfair - it can feel as if we have worked flat out to "keep up appearances" all day and have "earned" our down-time already by the time the school/work day is over. This may well be why he is spending so much time in the bathroom - it may the only room in the house where he feels he can lock himself away and know that the world can't make any more demands.

I would suggest working with his counsellor to identify, and encourage him to be honest about, whatever anxieties he does have about his time at school and socialising with his peers - it's particularly important that the counsellor realises that these are potential underlying causes of his difficult behaviour. It is a valuable lesson to learn that "passing as normal" and "down-time" are tools for managing the difficulties that autistic people face, but that they can become self-defeating if over-used and can lead to conflicts that your son (and the rest of the family) surely would prefer to avoid.

In the mean-time, I suggest trying to negotiate a set period of "down-time" for him each day, which is always set aside for him to play his games etc., and during which there will be no additional demands for him (even just "how was your day at school?" can seem too much to bear when "burned out".) But you should be clear that this time is allowed because you know it is necessary for him, and that there are necessary limits because family life requires compromises from everybody, and that not over-indulging will benefit him by reducing the number of stressful conflicts which he has to deal with. He should be encouraged to see his "down-time" as a tool to help him manage his other responsibilities, not as a way to avoid them entirely - a lesson which will stand him in good stead for adulthood.

^ ^ second this. He uses his resources to pass for normal at school, he comes home mentally and emotionally exhausted.

Trogluddite explained it really well, I can only add two thoughts where I relate to your son:
1. I used to lock myself in the bathroom a lot, esp. at my inlaws' home. It's just the only place I could be certain to be alone. I did not have to wear any convinient face, I was free to have a grimace of pain that would make a horrible fuss if showed to anyone. I hate fuss. I did not have to answer questions with the right intonation and right choice of words to avoid more fuss. And there was quiet. No TV, no radio, no background music, no conversations. Sometimes I sat there, rocking, until I felt better, ready to face the external world again.
2. Physical violence. It's likely autistic meltdown. You didn't describe the circumstances leading to it, I think they were important. The goal is for both of you to learn how to avoid coming to this. Him – to inform of his feelings and set limits before using his fists. You – to respect the said limits.
I can become very agressive when someone invades my personal space or demands interaction when I have my social batteries empty. When my social batteries are empty, talking to people, even the ones I love the most, is a pain. I believe it's something about my levels of neurotransmitters, with the bottomline: it's an actual, real pain.
It's a prime reaction of a cornered animal – to bite when no longer able to flee.
Does your son have a room where he can retreat to and not be bothered?

Good advice so far...

Also whatever medication he is taking, it does not sound like it is really helping with anything. It could also be causing negative side effects so it may be a good idea to look more into that. I mean if he has been on it for a long enough time but nothing is improving then perhaps its not the right thing.