Why won't death accept me?

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I've lived an unhappy and painful life. My older brother both mentally and physically abused me, my redneck father stunted my potential growth as a person, my mother shamed me for various things and snagged my development, I was born into a backwards and stupid culture (The Bible Belt) where people bullied me just for being myself, women hate me, and the talent for my dreams was denied. Why won't death just accept me already? I keep wishing my body would just shut down and put my consciousness out of its misery but I am stuck in this dismal existence despite how it rejects me.

Take the next transportation out of the Bible Belt - try New York City - it seems to me the farthest away you can get, in all senses of the word. You wouldn't be the first to land up there without knowing what next. Go to everything you can.
Keep in touch - let us know how things go - but please don't stay where you are.

It's not your time.
You must still have some good to do.
You just don't know what or when it is yet.

That sounds too much like "God has a plan for you.", something I don't subscribe to at all. I was told that constantly and I was essentially being told to just sit on my ass and hope for the best. I refuse to believe my life is preordained and I am just following a program as if I am a mindless automaton.

What part of what I said references God or any higher power?

I never said sit and wait, either.

Feel free to take action & make your life whatever you want it to be.

Because God is not ready for you to die...that's why!

He wants you to overcome things...and to be successful.

That sounds more reasonable than saying He works through me. If God worked through people, no one would fail at anything and there would be no real reason to live.

Can you move Markins? You are miserable there so you should try moving. I went to a small school in the country that was loaded with rednecks. I had no friends there and I hated it. Looking back on it I should have just made the best of it because I probably would have suffered in a larger school. Where you live theres probably no way to make the best of it though. You should put your energy into moving some place where you fit in better.

My finances and lack of a support system restrict me.

If people didn't fail they wouldn't learn a thing and there would be no real reason to live.

My mother's ex-husband's son in law told me he believed life is a video game and you better win it or else you are doomed forever. It must be pretty sad to live with that outlook. Even with the depression I suffer from, I see life as something I wish I could be happy in instead of seeing it as a rehearsal for something that may or may not happen once we die.

Have you read the book “The Four Agreements,” by Don Miguel Ruiz? In it, there’s a bit about his people’s traditional beliefs that life can either be a living hell, or heaven on earth - all depending on your thoughts and perceptions of the world. Since I’ve lives both, I’m a firm believer in this.

Life has been heaven for you in the past?

Lucky you!

6 years ago with strong ASD symptoms and other things life was a living hell. The last few years have been a relative heaven on earth in comparison. I go to beautiful beaches in the rainforest ~120+ days a year, kiteboard in Squamish, go to massive gay warehouse parties, hookup with young cute models/dancers/singers/actors etc, drive around in a brand new car, eat healthy food, have lots of friends and family around, do all kinds of fun stuff, think clearer, feel better.. life is pretty good. Sure, s**t still happens and I deal with it, but in general, I’ve changed myself and my thoughts/perspective and in turn the world is a much better place to be in. It didn’t change; I did. That’s the key. Change yourself, change your perceptions & perspective.. and when those change for the better, everything is better & the days of living hell 6 years ago seem like a distant past life.

Yes, I have. It's just that the Bible Belt automatically screws up everything. Reading is considered "gay" and even some of the Hispanic Americans I know think Don Miguel Ruiz is a "fag". They have a hip hop mentality but also "let go and let God" like the rednecks.

Last edited by Marknis on 15 May 2018, 9:05 am, edited 1 time in total.

Try to find a job where they offer accomodation too. There are live in jobs in the US too. It's a simple google search.
Your call!