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blackroot
Emu Egg
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Joined: 15 May 2018
Age: 32
Gender: Male
Posts: 1

15 May 2018, 8:11 pm

Hey everyone im new here and thought id give a shot at writing an introduction. Im 27 and was diagnosed as high functioning autistic at a young age. Im an only child. I had a pretty rough start in life with the divorce of my parents and difficulty socializing in school. I had my diagnosis reconfirmed on 2 seperate occassions and i struggled with accepting that because i wanted to be normal and have friends and experiences like everyone else seems to have, the struggle is profound and im sure some of you can relate, i feel like im socially blind, i just dont get it, especially in groups.

Never really had a father figure, friends or mentors growing up so i just went through most of my life not having a clue what to do with myself, cant honestly say i ever really cared about my life for the most part. It was a pretty dark experience. I started doing drugs when i was 16 and later at 23 i was homeless for 2 years and got addicted to harder drugs.. this was the most dangerous and dark phase in my life, i just stopped caring because i couldnt figure out how to make friends and integrate into society. Struggle with suicide quite a bit with one attempt using heroin and clonazepam, which i survived, bummer. I struggled with drug abuse and addiction on and off for years to escape the pain of being unable to fulfill my needs socially and romantically.

When i was close to 26 i made a last ditch attempt to get out of the drug/street lifestyle i was stuck in and joined a program in california right before my 26th birthday, which is the cutoff age for this particular program. So i relocated and a few weeks later i got trained in wildland firefighting completed a full season last year. It was pretty cool, I was at several major fires in california last year. Its a whole little world of its own and i never heard of wildland firefighting before i joined.

I left the program after fire season ended and got picked up this year at a different agency for my 2nd season. im actually at a fire out of state right now around texas (i dont feel comfortable saying exactly where im at). So i went from drug addict to firefighter in short time, which i never imagined in my life i would ever do. i never expected to live past 30 actually. So its pretty cool, im on a 20 person hand crew and we travel all over the country fighting wildfires and the pay is pretty good. But the social difficulties remain and i struggle with it every single day. I have difficulty integrating in large groups and tend to build a reputation soon enough as being "that guy".

Ive gotten better though i still get depressed fairly often because i would like to be able to open up and connect with others, develop meaningful relations.. im frustrated because everytime i start to gain a little confidence and open up, i tend say something wrong, or stupid/inappropriate or just not cool or whatever and i find myself in situations that kinda blow up in my face because i dont fully understand what im doing socially and im jusy like hurt and confused when this happens then i lose my confidence and start beating myself up. I struggle with this really bad and im at the point where im just sick of it, i want to change but i dont know exactly how. Ive tried just being really quiet but ive found that rubs people the wrong way, on the other hand when i open up i tend to rub people the wrong way which leads to harrassment, rejection and sometimes bullying too and this triggers me very deeply because ive experienced this over and over and over since i was a child. sigh..

im trying to think what i could do to ease the frustration i feel over this problem. I was thinking about just taking a chance and be vulnerable, struggle openly and telling my crew im autistic and i struggle with social skills and maybe theyd understand me better and coach me up and help me out. I really need a mentor or a friend to help me work through this. i dont want to go through the rest of my life with this issue, i spent most of my life running away from the problem and i cant do that anymore.

So thats my intro, looking forward to meeting new people on here. Feel free to send me a message if you want to talk.



ChefDave
Raven
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Joined: 15 May 2018
Age: 63
Posts: 106
Location: Nevada

16 May 2018, 10:04 am

Welcome to this forum. I'm new myself. I joined up yesterday.

I was a volunteer firefighter for a couple of years. I used to live in a small rural town in Pennsylvania and before the volunteers had pagers, the borough's civil defense siren would sound every time there was a call. I joined the volunteers the day after I heard the siren go off SEVEN DIFFERENT TIMES within a 24 hour period. I figured that those poor guys were running ragged.

I've never been involved with wild fires but I've done pretty much everything else.

I once rappelled down a steep hill after an ATV driver went off a ridge and smashed into a tree. The force of the accident drove a branch through his helmet and into his head. The guy survived but because we didn't know what would happen if we pulled out the branch, one of the guys had to saw the branch off so we could pull him up to reach the paramedics.

I've fought structure fires, have set up an improvised helicopter landing pad, have directed traffic until the police showed up, and have used the jaws of life to pry open a car to get to trapped victims. I've donned masks and air tanks in response to a CO2 alarm. I've done search and rescue. I've even had to clean up after an accident to sweep up broken glass and to hose off blood and brain matter from the asphalt. That was not one of my better experiences but someone had to do it.

As a firefighter, don't you feel a sense of comradery with your fellow firefighters? I know that I did as a volunteer. After all, what sort of person chooses to run into a burning building while everyone else is running out?

Not only are you fighting fires with your metaphorical brothers and sisters but you're watching their backs and they're watching yours. Fire fighters work as teams. You enter a building as a team. You clear it as a team. You fight the fire as a team ... and no one gets left behind.

I still remember my Captain's advice during my first fire call. After donning our bunker gear and climbing into the engine, we rolled with lights and sirens. As we were driving down Main Street, the Captain turned around and looked at me and told me that there were three things he wanted me to focus on.

"Everyone comes home."

"Everyone comes home."

"Everyone comes home."

These were words to live by.

With this being said, I do understand about the social awkwardness. I can see where fitting into a large group would be stressful ... and as a firefighter I can see where being "that guy" could be problematic.

Have you seen a therapist to help you develop coping mechanisms?



Last edited by ChefDave on 16 May 2018, 12:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.

AnonymousAnonymous
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Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 69,880
Location: Portland, Oregon

16 May 2018, 12:10 pm

Welcome to Wrong Planet! :D


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blazingstar
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Joined: 19 Nov 2017
Age: 70
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Posts: 6,234

17 May 2018, 5:00 pm

Welcome to Wrong Planet.

I think I heard about a similar program a few years back on NPR. It was out in California and took people from prison to fight wildfires and the team turned into one of the best teams. I am glad you turned your life around. My husband is a volunteer fire fighter. I have lots of respect for people who are fire fighters and first responders.


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And sky is the refrain
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