Advice on friend with aspergers

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I have a friend/co-worker that I’m fairly sure is on the spectrum based on some personal things he has shared with me about his experiences. I’m doing my best to understand him but sometimes that is very difficult.

Today at work I was getting coffee and I saw a co-worker Brian sitting at his desk with headphones on. I asked Brian what he was listening to and then we started chatting about some work stuff. Then my friend James (the one I suspect is on the spectrum) comes into the office and watches Brian and I having our conversation- then interrupts us to tell me that I was oblivious because I didn’t realize that when someone is wearing headphones that means they don’t want to talk. Then Brian and some other co-worker started laughing at how clueless I was and James was acting like he was doing me a favor my educating me on social protocol.

I was really embarrassed by this situation. I am not on the spectrum but I’m not the most socially cool person either. For someone I thought was my friend to point that out in front of our peers was mortifying. I ended up just mumbling an apology and walking back to my office.


Someone please help me understand what might have been going through his head??

He was helping you. He doesn't get image management. There is no need to be so embarrassed about this. Next time, just laugh yourself - unless Brian and his friend are absolute wankers.

Yes, I agree, James was trying to be helpful to both you and Brian, but he didn't read the situation very well.

It can be hard for an autistic person to "put ourselves in someone else's shoes" quite often, and so we can assume that everyone has the same "rules" about things that we do. So when James pointed out that headphones mean "leave me alone", it is probably because he feels that's how it should be when he puts his own headphones on. At the same time, he maybe doesn't realise that that Brian might not have the same "rule" about headphones, and may have been quite pleased to talk about his music (but that's between you and Brian, not really any of James' business, which he maybe also doesn't realise.)

As underwater said, many autistic people can find it difficult to be diplomatic, too. It's not that we want to hurt or embarrass anyone, it's just that we sometimes think of what we want to say as just factual "information" and forget, or don't know, that how or when we say it can affect a person's feelings.

Usually, a good rule to live by is; "treat other's how you would like to be treated yourself". But our feelings don't always work the same way as other people's, so the saying doesn't always work out as expected, because how we would like to be treated isn't quite the same as how others would like to be treated. Unfortunately, this means that, even when we're trying to be kind, we don't always end up doing quite the right thing (this doesn't just apply in the case of autism, of course.)

I sent him a text shortly afterwards saying that I felt like a (insert inappropriate word) and his reply was “well now you know”. Again, making it feel like he was teaching me a lesson. Then I explained how I wish he hadn’t pointed out my social deficiencies in front of our peers and that I was embarrassed by what he had done.

Later he texted to say he was sorry and that he was just trying to crack a joke. He also said he would never intentionally try to hurt me. I guess that’s something, right?