In between two worlds

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Joined: 14 May 2018
Age: 40
Gender: Male
Posts: 19
Location: Slovakia

20 May 2018, 2:44 am

Hello, I have made a few posts already, but I guess I should introduce myself, since I'm beginning to feel this might be another place where I don't belong.

It's been a few months since I started considering that my behaviors might be caused by autism and a few days since I have discovered this forum. I keep researching, doing tests, evaluating myself. I came to the conclusion that I'm neither neurotypical, nor autistic. I'm somewhere in between. All the tests I have taken confirm that. When I read what an official diagnosis would require, I doubt a professional would even talk to me about the possibility.

I have trouble with social interactions, can't read people, can't express my feelings, don't feel empathy. I'm a stutterer and that led me to developing a social anxiety when I was a teenager, but after having a significantly worse medical problem, these things started to seem irrelevant and the anxiety went away. Despite that, I still struggle when talking to people. I can't find interest in new people and can't keep a conversation going with people I care about. All of the few friends I have are extroverts, that do not mind doing that for me.

I also have strong interests, sometimes to the point where they overtake my mind and even when I'm with other people, I can't stop thinking about a problem I was solving before. I'm a software programmer, and actually pretty good at it. I seem to have some kind of intuition for problem solving, but not when it comes to dealing with people. I'm also a bit clumsy, my handwriting is awful, I'm trying to learn playing guitar and keep failing. On the other hand, I don't have meltdowns or any of the more negative traits. I don't behave unexpectedly. I have a good job and for practical purposes, I'm actually not bad working with people. I don't take things too literally. I certainly don't stick to a routine and in fact I welcome changes. Sometimes I intentionally try new things just to get lost and learn something.

So I can't clearly identify as having AS/ASD, which is good, I guess, but I'm back in the situation where I'm not sure what the hell is different about me. I can relate to the problems people on this forum are having, but I still feel like an imposter. Hope you don't mind me hanging around for a while.