People think I'm arguing when I'm explaining things

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Gbgeorgia1
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17 Jun 2018, 12:45 pm

Sometime I try to understand peoples point of view and explain myself when they think I'm wanting to argue but I'm not, it gets really difficult and people don't always understand me so I have to explain.
They think I'm arguing, there's nothing to argue about, they then get frustrated and yell at me I don't know what to do. :( :cry:



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17 Jun 2018, 12:51 pm

OMG I get that ALL THE TIME!! ! I HATE IT!! I literally have headbanging meltdowns when that happens.


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17 Jun 2018, 1:04 pm

Gbgeorgia1 wrote:
Sometime I try to understand peoples point of view and explain myself when they think I'm wanting to argue but I'm not, it gets really difficult and people don't always understand me so I have to explain.
They think I'm arguing, there's nothing to argue about, they then get frustrated and yell at me I don't know what to do. :( :cry:

As someone on the spectrum I like to be clear and am very factual but also emotional. This does come over as dominant sometimes which is not my intent at all. People often see me as confident, calm and assertive when I am none of those things, just very hard to read and it leads to misinterpretations. Hear this from other people on the spectrum as well. They suffer because of it a lot.

It's difficult, people often misinterpret us. Sorry you experience this. Don't blame yourself please, you were born this way, it's not your fault, we just communicate on a different level and they don't understand us very well which is also not their fault. Still, very frustrating. We have each other at least :)


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nephets
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17 Jun 2018, 1:09 pm

LoneLoyalWolf wrote:
Gbgeorgia1 wrote:
Sometime I try to understand peoples point of view and explain myself when they think I'm wanting to argue but I'm not, it gets really difficult and people don't always understand me so I have to explain.
They think I'm arguing, there's nothing to argue about, they then get frustrated and yell at me I don't know what to do. :( :cry:

As someone on the spectrum I like to be clear and am very factual but also emotional. This does come over as dominant sometimes which is not my intent at all. People often see me as confident, calm and assertive when I am none of those things, just very hard to read and it leads to misinterpretations. Hear this from other people on the spectrum as well. They suffer because of it a lot.

It's difficult, people often misinterpret us. Sorry you experience this. Don't blame yourself please, you were born this way, it's not your fault, we just communicate on a different level and they don't understand us very well which is also not their fault. Still, very frustrating. We have each other at least :)


Yes, this is exactly correct. Often we sound like we are simply declaiming to people, basically saying this is my opinion and yours is therefore wrong. Of course, this is complicated by how touchy NT's can be. You can find yourself in an angry dispute, which you have just started by mistake. How many people on here have heard, 'I don't like your attitude' ? About 100% of us would be my guess.



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17 Jun 2018, 1:23 pm

I have had this issue quite a lot. Sometimes it's because I tend to notice when someone has got a fact or detail wrong, and I then correct them, but it's not out of a sense of mischief or the desire for an argument.

Another thing is that I hate imprecision and tend to see complexities in what most people regard as simple 'yes or no' questions. If someone asks me such a question, I might reply along the lines of 'In some respects yes, and in other respects no - it all depends on what you mean by that'. This can drive the other person to despair, or give up.

I've had people conducting a telephone poll with me put the phone down, as I tend to see many of the questions as ambiguous or unclear, and often ask for clarification, which they are unable or unwilling to give.

I think social isolation can amplify this. If one has regular interaction with people, these tendencies can probably be lessened.


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17 Jun 2018, 1:28 pm

DeepHour wrote:
I have had this issue quite a lot. Sometimes it's because I tend to notice when someone has got a fact or detail wrong, and I then correct them, but it's not out of a sense of mischief or the desire for an argument.

Another thing is that I hate imprecision and tend to see complexities in what most people regard as simple 'yes or no' questions. If someone asks me such a question, I might reply along the lines of 'In some respects yes, and in other respects no - it all depends on what you mean by that'. This can drive the other person to despair, or give up.

I've had people conducting a telephone poll with me put the phone down, as I tend to see many of the questions as ambiguous or unclear, and often ask for clarification, which they are unable or unwilling to give.

I think social isolation can amplify this. If one has regular interaction with people, these tendencies can be lessened.
I am like this too


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17 Jun 2018, 1:29 pm

That was the story of my life with my parents. They've been very critical of my issues my whole life & put down the way I do things so I started explaining why I did things the way I did them or what I did so they'd get off my back & I'd just get accused of arguing. My mom would even sometimes ask me if I did something or why I did something & 1ce I'd start explaining she'd accuse me of arguing. I started explaining with other people too sometimes due to people tending to judge me & put me down & I'd usually just get accused of arguing. It's like the explaining is a learned defense that just makes things worse for me.


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17 Jun 2018, 1:42 pm

nick007 wrote:
That was the story of my life with my parents. They've been very critical of my issues my whole life & put down the way I do things so I started explaining why I did things the way I did them or what I did so they'd get off my back & I'd just get accused of arguing. My mom would even sometimes ask me if I did something or why I did something & 1ce I'd start explaining she'd accuse me of arguing. I started explaining with other people too sometimes due to people tending to judge me & put me down & I'd usually just get accused of arguing. It's like the explaining is a learned defense that just makes things worse for me.

Wow! That sucks! Sorry you had to go through that, mental abuse right there. True mirroring their own behavior on you. And you being on the spectrum, you did not understand most of it, really tough man.


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17 Jun 2018, 1:44 pm

DeepHour wrote:
I have had this issue quite a lot. Sometimes it's because I tend to notice when someone has got a fact or detail wrong, and I then correct them, but it's not out of a sense of mischief or the desire for an argument.

Another thing is that I hate imprecision and tend to see complexities in what most people regard as simple 'yes or no' questions. If someone asks me such a question, I might reply along the lines of 'In some respects yes, and in other respects no - it all depends on what you mean by that'. This can drive the other person to despair, or give up.

I've had people conducting a telephone poll with me put the phone down, as I tend to see many of the questions as ambiguous or unclear, and often ask for clarification, which they are unable or unwilling to give.

I think social isolation can amplify this. If one has regular interaction with people, these tendencies can probably be lessened.


Yet we get on so well.


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nick007
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17 Jun 2018, 1:46 pm

LoneLoyalWolf wrote:
nick007 wrote:
That was the story of my life with my parents. They've been very critical of my issues my whole life & put down the way I do things so I started explaining why I did things the way I did them or what I did so they'd get off my back & I'd just get accused of arguing. My mom would even sometimes ask me if I did something or why I did something & 1ce I'd start explaining she'd accuse me of arguing. I started explaining with other people too sometimes due to people tending to judge me & put me down & I'd usually just get accused of arguing. It's like the explaining is a learned defense that just makes things worse for me.

Wow! That sucks! Sorry you had to go through that, mental abuse right there. True mirroring their own behavior on you. And you being on the spectrum, you did not understand most of it, really tough man.
Thanx. Things have gradually gotten better as I've gotten older.


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17 Jun 2018, 2:01 pm

nick007 wrote:
Thanx. Things have gradually gotten better as I've gotten older.

Good to hear :)


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17 Jun 2018, 2:28 pm

Seems to me with a lot of people that I've spoken to that they just have no concept of any statement or question being neutral. If I'm making a value judgement, I will damned well say so explicitly; otherwise I'm just pointing out a fact or asking because I want/need to know. Seems simple enough to me - don't read between the lines because I'm not communicating anything between the lines (not on purpose, anyway.)


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Gbgeorgia1
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17 Jun 2018, 8:31 pm

nephets wrote:
LoneLoyalWolf wrote:
Gbgeorgia1 wrote:
Sometime I try to understand peoples point of view and explain myself when they think I'm wanting to argue but I'm not, it gets really difficult and people don't always understand me so I have to explain.
They think I'm arguing, there's nothing to argue about, they then get frustrated and yell at me I don't know what to do. :( :cry:

As someone on the spectrum I like to be clear and am very factual but also emotional. This does come over as dominant sometimes which is not my intent at all. People often see me as confident, calm and assertive when I am none of those things, just very hard to read and it leads to misinterpretations. Hear this from other people on the spectrum as well. They suffer because of it a lot.

It's difficult, people often misinterpret us. Sorry you experience this. Don't blame yourself please, you were born this way, it's not your fault, we just communicate on a different level and they don't understand us very well which is also not their fault. Still, very frustrating. We have each other at least :)


Yes, this is exactly correct. Often we sound like we are simply declaiming to people, basically saying this is my opinion and yours is therefore wrong. Of course, this is complicated by how touchy NT's can be. You can find yourself in an angry dispute, which you have just started by mistake. How many people on here have heard, 'I don't like your attitude' ? About 100% of us would be my guess.


Yeah I see things as they are and ask something that's important to me but not to someone else, its just a way of communicating, trying to have a conversation but apparently others see it as picking on them.



LeyIori27
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17 Jun 2018, 10:30 pm

Welcome to the Aspergers world, where every damned word you actually say is taken as threating, insulting or even demanding, Nt's can say everything they wan't. Us aspies get demonized for even opening our mouth, No wonder why some of us suffer selective mutism.



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17 Jun 2018, 10:32 pm

LeyIori27 wrote:
Welcome to the Aspergers world, where every damned word you actually say is taken as threating insulting or even demanding, Nt's can't say everything they wan't Us aspies get demonized for even opening our mouth, No wonder why some of us suffer selective mutism

Preach it girl! :wink:


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Benjamin the Donkey
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17 Jun 2018, 11:14 pm

This is one of my biggest everyday frustrations.


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