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I am disappointed in my "friends"

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CannibalCorpse
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31 Jul 2018, 2:50 am

I keep noticing this pattern that people come to me, they want to make friends, they think I am cool because I am quirky and odd and a kinda free spirit. Then we get to know each other. They open up, I am listening to their problems, sometimes for hours and I am a good listener. I learnt to be as my communication skills are not that good but I can listen very empathetically.

All good, they are enthusiastic to meet UNTIL I want to talk. It takes a lot for me to trust anyone and to open up, and it's getting harder and harder as whenever I start to talk about my problems or I might just need someone to listen to me, they brush me off. "I'm busy, can we talk tomorrow?" "Ah you're over thinking", "Just laugh it off" etc etc

These so-called friends never realise that I would like to talk, and not for 2 minutes. They interrupt me, they talk me down. I only know one person who doesn't do this, sometimes I talk to her and she's happy to listen but as I don't know her that well I don't want to bore her with some of my troubles. The only person I can talk to about everything is my brother. He would listen.

I don't really know what to do as I feel alone completely. I always thought friends are there for support but it seems like not really. They just want to hang out and not to feel alone themselves.

How to make real, lasting, supportive friendships?



Chronos
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31 Jul 2018, 3:00 am

CannibalCorpse wrote:
I keep noticing this pattern that people come to me, they want to make friends, they think I am cool because I am quirky and odd and a kinda free spirit. Then we get to know each other. They open up, I am listening to their problems, sometimes for hours and I am a good listener. I learnt to be as my communication skills are not that good but I can listen very empathetically.

All good, they are enthusiastic to meet UNTIL I want to talk. It takes a lot for me to trust anyone and to open up, and it's getting harder and harder as whenever I start to talk about my problems or I might just need someone to listen to me, they brush me off. "I'm busy, can we talk tomorrow?" "Ah you're over thinking", "Just laugh it off" etc etc

These so-called friends never realise that I would like to talk, and not for 2 minutes. They interrupt me, they talk me down. I only know one person who doesn't do this, sometimes I talk to her and she's happy to listen but as I don't know her that well I don't want to bore her with some of my troubles. The only person I can talk to about everything is my brother. He would listen.

I don't really know what to do as I feel alone completely. I always thought friends are there for support but it seems like not really. They just want to hang out and not to feel alone themselves.

How to make real, lasting, supportive friendships?


There are people out there who go around talking about themselves non stop and move from person to person until they find a suitable host who will allow them to be the center of attention and talk about themselves all they want.

You are that host.

A way to avoid these people is to talk a little more and be available to listen a little less.



HighLlama
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31 Jul 2018, 5:45 am

CannibalCorpse wrote:
I keep noticing this pattern that people come to me, they want to make friends, they think I am cool because I am quirky and odd and a kinda free spirit. Then we get to know each other. They open up, I am listening to their problems, sometimes for hours and I am a good listener. I learnt to be as my communication skills are not that good but I can listen very empathetically.

All good, they are enthusiastic to meet UNTIL I want to talk. It takes a lot for me to trust anyone and to open up, and it's getting harder and harder as whenever I start to talk about my problems or I might just need someone to listen to me, they brush me off. "I'm busy, can we talk tomorrow?" "Ah you're over thinking", "Just laugh it off" etc etc

These so-called friends never realise that I would like to talk, and not for 2 minutes. They interrupt me, they talk me down. I only know one person who doesn't do this, sometimes I talk to her and she's happy to listen but as I don't know her that well I don't want to bore her with some of my troubles. The only person I can talk to about everything is my brother. He would listen.

I don't really know what to do as I feel alone completely. I always thought friends are there for support but it seems like not really. They just want to hang out and not to feel alone themselves.

How to make real, lasting, supportive friendships?


Chronos has the right advice. I can relate to your post a lot, since I tend to attract these people too often. I think the other thing that makes it difficult is if you're pretty quiet, which I am, then people tend to project a lot onto you. They seem to think silence means you're not thinking anything and you'll be a good audience for their whining. And they make all sorts of assumptions about your personality if you don't say much. They have no interest in getting to know you, which is hard if you crave that kind of connection, but the people you're describing will sense your desperation for that and exploit it. At least here people are more likely to listen :)



Summer_Twilight
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31 Jul 2018, 8:40 am

CannibalCorpse wrote:
I keep noticing this pattern that people come to me, they want to make friends, they think I am cool because I am quirky and odd and a kinda free spirit. Then we get to know each other. They open up, I am listening to their problems, sometimes for hours and I am a good listener. I learnt to be as my communication skills are not that good but I can listen very empathetically.

All good, they are enthusiastic to meet UNTIL I want to talk. It takes a lot for me to trust anyone and to open up, and it's getting harder and harder as whenever I start to talk about my problems or I might just need someone to listen to me, they brush me off. "I'm busy, can we talk tomorrow?" "Ah you're over thinking", "Just laugh it off" etc etc

These so-called friends never realise that I would like to talk, and not for 2 minutes. They interrupt me, they talk me down. I only know one person who doesn't do this, sometimes I talk to her and she's happy to listen but as I don't know her that well I don't want to bore her with some of my troubles. The only person I can talk to about everything is my brother. He would listen.

I don't really know what to do as I feel alone completely. I always thought friends are there for support but it seems like not really. They just want to hang out and not to feel alone themselves.

How to make real, lasting, supportive friendships?


These are called "One-sided" relationships where they just want to talk about themselves but when you open up, they are busy. I know it hurts but it's not about you but about them. They befriended you because they probably think you are vulnerable. Let them go, they aren't worthy of you.

I would continue to invest my time in that one friend who doesn't treat you that way because she sounds rea.



ladyelaine
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31 Jul 2018, 8:52 am

I have encountered people like that. I try to avoid interacting with these types of people because I don't want to hear their never ending monologues about themselves. I don't have time for people who want to be the center of attention 24/7.



HistoryGal
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31 Jul 2018, 8:55 am

Elaine is right. Nobody needs that.



CannibalCorpse
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31 Jul 2018, 10:46 am

I know, I don't need that either. By now I "broke up" with these friends. I only keep in touch with real people.
Hmmm me talking more? ahhem that's going to be difficult as I want connections I just don't feel the need of constant talking. I can just sit next to someone quietly and enjoy their presence. Obviously I'm yet to find a person who would like that.

Thanks for reading anyway.



Spiderpig
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31 Jul 2018, 11:07 am

It's hard to talk more when everyone interrupts you before you get three words out. People like the sound of their own voices, not yours.


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Skilpadde
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31 Jul 2018, 12:49 pm

CannibalCorpse wrote:
Hmmm me talking more? ahhem that's going to be difficult as I want connections I just don't feel the need of constant talking. I can just sit next to someone quietly and enjoy their presence. Obviously I'm yet to find a person who would like that.
sounds good to me.
I very much enjoy nice, comfortable silence and parallel activities (like both reading different books, or one reading, the other doing something (silent) on the PC etc). That's how part of the time is spent with my family, with just the occasional comment made.


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