Friendship tests

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I like to run a few tests to determine if a friendship is worth pursing.

First, I check out the person's social media. That can tell you a lot about a person.

Second, I take my time getting to know the person and seeing how they interact with others and how they live their lives. It is important that a person's words and actions match up.

Third, I find out how they feel about my parish priests. I love my parish priests. They are great role models and positive influences in my life.

The most important thing is whether the person is a positive influence in my life. Do we bring out the best in each other? Do we build each other up and encourage each other? Do we bring each other closer to God( for those that are religious)?

You can tweak these tests to fit your needs.

I don’t really do friendship tests. I’d like to be friends with people that I have things in common with and who are kind. It’s pretty much that simple.

I’d prefer a friend who’s not too religious, though. Sometimes very religious people can be pushy with their beliefs. After many years of miserable religiosity, I’m a happy atheist.

An actual test? No.

But if I find out that a new "friend" has been bad-mouthing me to his or her real friends, then I start ghosting all of them.

That is something that I have always struggled with where I meet someone and we seem to click but I don't always know what kind of person they are.

1. Ladyelaine, love the way you mention watching how that person treats others because that will soon undermine how you will be treated
2. Observe how they interact with their friends vs with you
3. Can I be free to talk about anything or do I have to walk on eggshells?
4. Can I be myself around this person or do I have to be on my "Best behavior" around them?
5. Are they positive
6. Do they talk about other people
7. Are they sincere?
8. Is there a two-way street on things?
9. Do their other friends have to compete with their other friends
10. Do they stand up for their current friends?
11. Is this friend controlling or laid back?

I talk to everyone. But only have a few close trusted friends. And yes sometimes when I move to a new place it can be a struggle to find the few trusted friends.

I never spoke to everyone but I started doing it after over coming anxieties recently - 3 years ago.

They were gone just like that when I turned 29. Or maybe it has to do with the intensive meditation and yoga training I took.

A good friend of mine who I have known for years told me that one of the things to look for in a friend are qualities. Those qualities are
1. Kindness
2. Reliability
3. Loyalty
4. Consideration
5. Genuine
6. Two-way street
8. Emotions are in check
9. You can be yourself around them
10. You don't have to worry about walking on eggshells around them
11. Their words are kind

Anyone who lacks 5 or more would be a low quality friend

Your Friends May Be Fake Friends If...

... they always expect you to apologize, even when they are at fault. Real friends admit when they are wrong.

... they are critical of you and remind you of your flaws and insecurities (i.e., fat-shaming, clothes-shaming, et cetera). Real friends encourage and support.

... they avoid you when you are going through difficult times. Real friends will stay with you though good times and bad.

... they belittle or dismiss your accomplishments. Real friends will celebrate your accomplishments with you.

... they break their promises with you. Real friends will never go back on their word.

... they contact you only when they want or need something from you; and rarely (if ever) contact you for any other reason.

... they enjoy gossiping about others with you, because this implies that they are gossiping about you with others, as well.

... they fail to keep the secrets you've shared with them. Real friends are trustworthy.

... they have no respect for your personal boundaries. Real friends respect you as a person.

... they lie about their abilities, accomplishments, grades, clothes, possessions, relatives – anything to make themselves look better -- because if they lie about themselves, then they will lie about you, too.

... they make every conversation all about them. Real friends let others have their turn in a conversation.

... they play "head games" with you (i.e., Bait-and-Switch, Guilt-Tripping, Passive-Aggression, claiming than an insult was "only a joke", et cetera).

... they step aside and watch while you are being bullied. Real friend will stick up for you and fight alongside you.

... you feel that you have to be someone or something that you are not when you are around them. Real friends like you for whom you are, not for whom you pretend to be.

For the benefit of those who find benefit in it: I think real friends are also understanding and forgiving to some extent. I think it's particularly important for people on the spectrum to have friends who give them the benefit of the doubt on occasion because miscommunications and misunderstandings are likely to occur. It works both ways though. In most instances where a friend or even an acquaintance has said something that has upset me I like to give them the benefit of the doubt that it just came out wrong or they just lacked some awareness at the moment. In most instances this turns out to be the case and my future interactions with them are positive.

How does a person respond when you tell them no?

Do they pitch a tantrum like a child?

Or do they accept your no like an adult?