Late bloomer
Hi everyone,
my name is Brian, I'm 41 years old, I live in Denver, Colorado, and I work as a software engineer. I haven't been diagnosed with AS, and at this point in my life I would probably be considered borderline or a very mild case because I have spent a good many years learning to act like everyone else. But when I read the experiences of a lot of the younger people here I think it could have been me writing.
I first heard of AS just a few years ago, and it has only been in the past year or so that I have found out enough about it to realize how much this all describes my life experience. What really tipped me off was watching my kids grow up and seeing that despite my wife's best efforts to raise them to be friendly, outgoing and sociable like her, they are all turning out like me: intensely emotional, spending much of their time alone reading, argumentative, asoutndingly intelligent, and having a very low tolerance for people who don't see the world the way I do (which is just about everyone). And when I realized that my children had many of the same personality traits that I had had at their, even though I had worked very hard not to let them show on the outside, it suddenly occurred to me that maybe I wasn't just a total freak after all.
I probably should explain about hiding my true personality - I was raised in a pathologically religious environment (a devout Mormon family), and independent thought was NOT tolerated. Luckily for me, academic achievement and musical talent were strongly encouraged, so I was able to do at least some things that I really enjoyed and have my parents approve of it. But over all my family environment was like soviet Russia where no one dared say what they were really thinking or feeling for fear of punishment.
So I grew up with the firm conviction that the one and only path to ever being loved by anyone was to live up to all their expectations. I met a wonderful, caring, outgoing Mormon girl in high school (the only serious relationship of my life), and I did such a good job of playing the part that she wanted me to play that she asked me to marry her when I was 18 (and she was 17). We got married a few years later and had 5 kids, whom she now describes as a bunch of alien creatures just like me. After 20 years of marriage I am so exhausted and burned out trying to act the required part. But now I have seen myself in my children and realized that it is possible to be myself and still be loved.
All these years I have been thinking and feeling like as Aspie on the inside but acting (more or less) like an NT on the outside. As I have begun to describe to my wife the thought processes that go in in my head behind the scenes she has been almost in shock. She had no idea that buying her a birthday present has always been an overwhelming, almost traumatic experience for me all these years. I have explained my confusion over the observation I have made that she tells me the things that she wants or needs as her birthday approaches but then acts disappointed when I buy her one of the things that she wanted. She is much happier if I buy her something that not only is a surprise, but also serves no useful purpose. She just didn't realize that finding a surpise for her tends to involve hours of wandering around a shopping mall practically in tears as I feel completely at a loss for how to read her mind and choose a present that she will like. She just thought I was clueless.
This past year my wife began teaching part time at a school for gifted children with learning diabilities, and they have a high percentage of Aspies in their student population. And suddenly the kids and I are starting to make a little more sense to her. So in my 41st year on this planet I am finally starting to explore what it means to be me rather than focusing all my effort trying to be what everyone else seems to be demanding. I have learned that no matter how hard you try to act like everyone else, you still feel alone and out of place. The fact that nobody suspects that I am from a different planet than they are has not made me feel any more accepted or appreciated. But having kids who think and act like me has given me hope.
So I am rather thrilled to have found this BB and compare notes with other people who sound a lot like me.
Brian
BlackLiger
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larsenjw92286
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Hi, Brian. Welcome to WrongPlanet. We are a nice group here.
Seriously, congratulations on discovering your inner autism.
You know, it's kind of funny that most people live in fear of finding something "wrong" with them (especially if the rest of the world might find out about it), but when you've spent your whole life KNOWING that you don't fit in but can't explain why, it's a relief to fnially put a name to it and discover that you're not alone.
Thanks for all the warm welcomes.
Fogman
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Joined: 19 Jun 2005
Age: 57
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,986
Location: Frå Nord Dakota til Vermont
my name is Brian, I'm 41 years old, I live in Denver, Colorado, and I work as a software engineer. I haven't been diagnosed with AS, and at this point in my life I would probably be considered borderline or a very mild case because I have spent a good many years learning to act like everyone else. But when I read the experiences of a lot of the younger people here I think it could have been me writing.
I first heard of AS just a few years ago,...
Hi Brian,
I'm Shawn,38, and reside in SC . You essentially wrote what I was planning to write as an intro. Welcome. I initially discovered AS back in 1998, but was too preoccupied with other things to do any real investigation on the subject. Welcome.
Brian
Add me to the list of people who could use your story (with a little cut-and-pasting) as their autobiography. It sounds like you are fortunate to have a wife who is capable of understanding the real you.
Good luck on becoming youself
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