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mj1
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06 Oct 2007, 3:13 am

I'm 26 and I'm still dependent on my mother the same way a 12 y/o would be dependent on her parents. Is this sort of thing normal with AS?

I feel like I haven't aged mentally, like I'm still a kid. My mother gets upset with me because she says I'm old enough to do things by myself and shouldn't need to depend on her. But I do need her. It's very overwhelming to do things by myself. Like with (community) college, I can't seem to bring myself to sign up for classes. It's overwhelming to me. I want her to do it, or to at least help me, but she doesn't want to because I'm old enough to do it myself.

I find this all very upsetting. It was a few weeks ago when I discovered that I'm pretty sure I have AS. Up until that time I thought I was retarded (sorry if this is not the PC term) for the way I act and feel. Now I wonder if this is normal for people with AS.



different
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06 Oct 2007, 3:25 am

I am pretty dependent too. Since I have a phobia of telephones I cannot call that many people myself so I end up asking my mother to do it. She has resigned and do not even argue anymore. Hopefully I will get this kind of help from the community instead, I have been applying for it at least and now I am waiting for the answer.

I do have times when I just cannot go to the grocery store because of my low energy level. If I make myself do it anyway I end up crying and not sleeping during night.. So my brother shops for me pretty often..

/Anna



Othila
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06 Oct 2007, 4:01 am

I think my mom enabled me in a lot of ways to be dependent on her. When I was little she was the only person who was forced to put up with me. I remember when I was little because I was a slow responder to verbal communication she would just talk for me like I was her puppet or something. I probably let her do that until my twenties. Now I just interrupt her and don't care if the questioner understands or not.

For some unknown reason she always assumes that I cant do something no matter what it is. That is how I feel retarded, angry, and ambivalent all at the same time. Some times i like to prove her wrong other times I dont but for the most part I wish my mom was more of a teacher than a naysayer. I crave independence just to get away from her self doubts which are starting to crawl in my brain like a virus.



Danielismyname
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06 Oct 2007, 4:15 am

I'm the same but my mother doesn't get upset, i.e., she sets up my college and stuff (not that I'm really doing it). I've got AS and I'm 26.

It's all too overwhelming for me (normal "life" that is).



Evilmonkey
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06 Oct 2007, 4:47 am

I hate my mum doing anything for me!!

she just never seems to do it right....excluding things like organizing my school stuff, but in that case if she didn't I would probably dropout and find another way around the stupid system.

You should try spending some time without her mj1, I'm 15 and id love to spend time without my parents, don't you become more independent during puberty?



alexbeetle
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06 Oct 2007, 7:11 am

my kids are NT but they were relutant to do things for themselves and I had to be cruel and jsut stop doing it for them, they soon learnt to talk on the phone, make travel arrangements etc.
My son missed a holiday in Spain because he did not get his passport sorted out in time and I refused to do it for him - I facilitated by telling him how and making sure he had every opportunity but at the end of the day he had to get everything together and in the post and never did.
I think that you shouldn't just blame AS for everything and although it probably is harder for some teens with AS to become independant it is not impossible, if you don't have the fight to do things for yourself then life will always seem too overwhelming.


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MishLuvsHer2Boys
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06 Oct 2007, 7:12 am

I lived with my parents till I was 26 and in many ways, even now at 34, they still help me out and support me and my sons at times when I really need the money and emotional support and all.



Danielismyname
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06 Oct 2007, 7:19 am

40% of those with AS/HFA achieve "independence"; 2-15% over the whole spectrum (AS/HFA included).

The statistics aren't that "good".



howzat
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06 Oct 2007, 7:37 am

Im 21 n da only tings i don't do is housework n phoning up da doctor or denist so therefore my mum helps me out or otherwise i do most tings myself as dat way i grow more confidence in meself.



2ukenkerl
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06 Oct 2007, 8:04 am

No offense guys and gals, but the definition of AS speaks against such problems. Why do you REALLY have such problems? Ironically, I:

1. was VERY hesitant to talk to people.
2. was VERY slow to arrange new things.
3. was VERY much into my main interest, which did hurt my doing other things.

The end result was that I didn't move out for an embarassingly long time(OK, it was at least as long as some of you talk about :cry: ), and had to REALLY push myself.

Frankly though, my mother can be embarassing and I would NEVER trust her with doing anything for me really. I DID always use her to bowdlerize my stuff though, even though I had to re-edit. I would have her do that NOW, but she is VERY technophobic, so I can't use computers to facilitate it. Who knows, maybe she is autistic also. Of course, a LOT of mothers seem to act like she does. Anyway, that action helped incourage me to even move out of the state.

But I never once viewed it as an inability to be on my own and, once I was, I did ok. I viewed it mainly as a kind of social phobia. I am STILL slow to change jobs, etc.... I just look at that as an aversion to risk and change. Are you that same way, or is there really some inability you know of?

BTW mj1,

AS people don't normally actually feel retarded. They realize they are retarded socially, and may be slow in some other ways, but other things kind of make up for it. I feel I can say that so assuredly because that is how I think, matches things in the DSM, and seems to be echoed by many here.



Danielismyname
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06 Oct 2007, 8:32 am

2ukenkerl wrote:
Why do you REALLY have such problems?


You know, the inability to actually stand in the presence of people tends to limit an individual's ability to pursue vocational and academic activities; not to mention the inability to use the phone.

Then you throw in the "special interests" where you cannot focus on anything but "that" and, well, you know; it's kind of hard to move in mainstream society when one has all of that.

It's all in the DSM-IV-TR under Asperger's and autistic disorder. Interestingly enough, many people I see with AS/AD are always accompanied by a parent to Attwood's clinic (adults of a similar age to me with their parents).



2ukenkerl
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06 Oct 2007, 8:55 am

Danielismyname wrote:
2ukenkerl wrote:
Why do you REALLY have such problems?


You know, the inability to actually stand in the presence of people tends to limit an individual's ability to pursue vocational and academic activities; not to mention the inability to use the phone.

Then you throw in the "special interests" where you cannot focus on anything but "that" and, well, you know; it's kind of hard to move in mainstream society when one has all of that.

It's all in the DSM-IV-TR under Asperger's and autistic disorder. Interestingly enough, many people I see with AS/AD are always accompanied by a parent to Attwood's clinic (adults of a similar age to me with their parents).


OK! I just wanted to see if it was like with me. Frankly, if I moved out a lot earlier than you guys, I would have mentioned when I did. I don't even want to say. :cry:

Let's just say your words make me suspect AS all the more. While my acquaintances made a meager salary, they got roomates, etc... and moved out. The idea of a roomate to me was repugnant. I made far more than they did, and STILL stayed home. :cry:

As for the parents being there at attwoods clinic, he prefers that, from what I understand.

Please realize I was in the same boat, I just wanted to see that it wasn't any other thing.



richardbenson
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06 Oct 2007, 9:10 am

Listen its no big deal son. theres people in italy that live with there moms there whole life, its a cultural thingy in america that sais you need to move out of your parents house at 18. ignore it


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mechanima
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06 Oct 2007, 9:31 am

Danielismyname wrote:

You know, the inability to actually stand in the presence of people tends to limit an individual's ability to pursue vocational and academic activities; not to mention the inability to use the phone.

Then you throw in the "special interests" where you cannot focus on anything but "that" and, well, you know; it's kind of hard to move in mainstream society when one has all of that.

It's all in the DSM-IV-TR under Asperger's and autistic disorder. Interestingly enough, many people I see with AS/AD are always accompanied by a parent to Attwood's clinic (adults of a similar age to me with their parents).


I share those AS related disabilities...and I left my parent's home aged 13 for my own safety, and apart from shacking up with a few guys when I had to I have lived totally alone since.

I can't support myself, but I can live independently, in fact I need to, most of my functionality depends on being able to isolate as far as possible from people for most of the time. All interaction, even the most positive kind, burns me up.

I feel there is a good chance that, for Aspies, staying at home too long becomes a kind of catch 22, where the constant interaction (however positive) drains us enough to prevent us obtaining the functionality to leave and thus achieve even greater functionality...

M



mechanima
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06 Oct 2007, 9:38 am

2ukenkerl wrote:
As for the parents being there at attwoods clinic, he prefers that, from what I understand.


WHOOPS! There goes the last 1% to total, irreversible, disillusionment with Tony Attwood...

Does he take his own mummy and daddy everywhere with him?

:evil:

Incidentally everybody DOES know Tony Attwood was a pupil of Lorna Wing, who was the parent of an autistic daughter when she unearthed one alternative to the "refrigerator mother" theory of autism called "Asperger Syndrome"?

I personally think the "refrigerator mother" theory is a load of hogwash too...but beware of the effects of such an huge personal "vested interest" on the objectivity with which a concept is defined and developed...

M