Hope and Healing in The Forum

Page 12 of 14 [ 224 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1 ... 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14  Next

Chickadeesingingonthewrongplanet
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

Joined: 6 Feb 2016
Gender: Female
Posts: 67
Location: UK

20 Feb 2016, 11:11 am

Just found this thread and haven't gotten past the first page.
This post answered so many things I'd been pondering before I'd read far at all.

On page 1, posted at this time:

19 Nov 2007, 11:51 pm

something I was waiting to read.

(Sorry I don't know how to quote, and that I've not yet read enough more recent
posts to take part in the current conversation.... but that post was just...wow
and:
thanks.



LaetiBlabla
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 31 Dec 2015
Posts: 981
Location: Earth

20 Feb 2016, 12:39 pm

Here is the quote:

sinsboldly wrote:
Hey there,

Guess I qualify as an AS whippersnapper as you put it. Mind if I throw out a question for someone older and wiser - however you may dispute the latter?

I've tried about everything in my power to fake my way through NT life, and despite my success at spinning the illusion, I live in permanent anxiety of making the one misstep that belies the whole thing. Just the slightest facial tic (or lack thereof) blows my cover and the entire chain of impressions I'd been garnering up to that point, and like the others who commented, it royally sucks having to live this way.

Nothing new for you to hear there, just more of what you seem to have been doing far longer than my 26 years walking the earth. But you said in your post, that it does not get any easier with age?

The only motivation that's kept me walking over these hot NT coals in past years was that it would eventually become easier, perhaps natural. I've been starting to lose faith, even doubt that, and now what you said changes the picture further.

I really don't have any specific questions. But you're quite good at expressing yourself from what I've seen thus far, and I would just be interested in hearing you speak further about how your AS has changed or not changed over the years, especially with regard to adapting to an NT world. If you could, then anything you have to say would be of tremendous help to me, and I would appreciate every word of it.

Jerry

Hello Jerry!

When I first realized I was AS it was last year. I called up a phone number of someone that posted on line. It turned out to be Roger N Meyers, a real mover and shaker of the Portland, OR Adult AS community, but at the time I didn't know to be impressed, but now I am suitably so.
I revealed to him my terror that now that I know I have a neurological condition I was horrified that other people might know, that some how my perfect shell would be shattered by a wrong word or act and they would see me revealed. To Roger's credit, he heard me out and listened to my fears of being 'discovered'. When I had spewed it all out, he disarmed me completely by telling me to not worry about all of that because if I WAS AS, they simply 'already knew.'

"Already KNEW??" was he KIDDING?? I was so careful to match peoples words, listen to their words make sure I nodded when they nodded, smiled when they smiled, laughed when they laughed. . .

"No," said Roger, "they already know internally, that you are different than them. Their own neurotypicalness can spot you a mile away, and if they don't know it immediately, they will later on, and it is nothing you can change or mask. If you could change or mask it, you wouldn't be AS. All that elaborate dance you do to try to keep it from them just puts stress on you and really distracts from any real progress in working with others."

So much for the gloom and doom of 'never fitting in", Ben. That is just your loneliness talking. If you find you are yearning to be fulfilled by social contact, consider the idea that maybe you don't feel the social fulfillment you already find. Consider for a moment that interactions and emotions other people feel from social contact do not perform the same chemical reaction (if you will) in you. It really opened my eyes when I thought about it in that way. That people WERE giving me the social inclusion and warm fuzzies and what ever else it is they get from social interaction but it was ME THAT COULDN'T PROCESS IT. So all that tippy toeing around thinking that we 'had to get it right' so we could get the pay off 'being included' was for naught, anyway.

so, I suppose my advice to you is to give yourself a break. I have found the biggest shortcut to working with NTs is to PUT THEM AT THEIR EASE AS QUICKLY AND AS OFTEN AS YOU CAN.
Lighten up around them, use gentle humor, chuckle appropriately. This relaxes them and they can take a lot of your idiosyncrasies when they know they can get your NON DEFENSIVE attention about something and you are OPEN to other opinions and ways of considering events.

So I would say work on your sense of humor, develop a grace of bowing ineveitably to what you might consider absurd about them. Learn to find your own center when the boat is rocking and be there, rather than concentrating on every dip and heave of the social give and take.

I still haven't figured out how to respond when people step on my toes. Any retaliation I can devise is usually too muscular for what they consider appropriate ( in my youth, I would just go for their eyes and I had to wear a muzzle for a while , when I was later in elementary school I was made to wear a sign for my second grade year warning "I BITE" because I did retaliate to those who teased me.) Over the years my sense of social justice is very finally tuned, my moral compass always points to 'what will impact my negative karma the least and my positive karma the most.'

If you try to 'fit in' and 'be like them' ah, Jerry, that's the struggle. If you are true to your own nature and become a 'good guest' in their world, then you relax the struggle and become welcome into their society. This gives you and them a break. As I learn, I would be honored to pass what ever I learn along.

and as for being a young whippersnapper. . as that ancient musical band of my youth, Devo, would say "snap that whip!"

your friend,

Merle



Chickadeesingingonthewrongplanet
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

Joined: 6 Feb 2016
Gender: Female
Posts: 67
Location: UK

20 Feb 2016, 2:13 pm

Thanks LaetiBlabla!

Do you or does anyone know if there's a way to make personal bookmarks on the forum?



LaetiBlabla
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 31 Dec 2015
Posts: 981
Location: Earth

20 Feb 2016, 4:35 pm

Chickadeesingingonthewrongplanet wrote:
Thanks LaetiBlabla!

Do you or does anyone know if there's a way to make personal bookmarks on the forum?


Bookmarks... is it some kind of "books" "rating"?
(literal humour, joking)

i have no clue...



Chickadeesingingonthewrongplanet
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

Joined: 6 Feb 2016
Gender: Female
Posts: 67
Location: UK

20 Feb 2016, 4:42 pm

:) no, just a way to find again a post I liked...



MoonDog
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

User avatar

Joined: 13 Nov 2009
Age: 31
Gender: Female
Posts: 3

22 Feb 2016, 11:01 pm

To be honest I just needed somewhere to put this - I mean I can't exactly dump this on my friends out of the blue - so it's okay if nobody answers:

I just feel so trapped all the time. I have some kind of unidentified learning disorder (obviously not diagnosed, but I'm sure a lot of you here know that feeling of just KNOWING that something isn't right) that may or may not be aspergers. But whatever it is it makes it so hard to do college things, or even normal things like get and keep a job.

I can't get a good job unless I go to college, which I can't do unless these symptoms ease off, which I can't do unless I get a job good enough to pay for therapy or medicine or something.

I just feel like I'm stuck in a rut, with no way out except 70+ years of working at a sh***y minimum wage job just to live in my parents' figurative basement. Until they get sick of me and kick me out I guess.

What's worse is that I can tell my parents think it's just me making excuses for myself. They don't take it seriously at all, so there's no help there.

I think about just giving up and dying a lot, but it's not really a solution so much as "opting out". (Note that this is not an immediate danger, so don't be too concerned.)



Earthbound
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 20 Feb 2016
Gender: Male
Posts: 756
Location: USA

23 Feb 2016, 1:16 am

I hope you can get diagnosed MoonDog. It will be a step in the right direction, in my view.

I'm sorry you feel so trapped. Maybe this site will help you out as well.



Chickadeesingingonthewrongplanet
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

Joined: 6 Feb 2016
Gender: Female
Posts: 67
Location: UK

23 Feb 2016, 6:40 am

Hi Moondog, just sending you a message of solidarity. I hope you can find a way to get a diagnosis and help if that\s what you want. Are you in a country that has a clear pathway for that? Good luck to you.



MoonDog
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

User avatar

Joined: 13 Nov 2009
Age: 31
Gender: Female
Posts: 3

23 Feb 2016, 10:08 am

Thank you, Chickadee and Earthbound, for your kind words.

And no not really, I live in the US so I may as well actually be on a different planet from medical practitioners.



LaetiBlabla
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 31 Dec 2015
Posts: 981
Location: Earth

23 Feb 2016, 10:30 am

Hello,

When i feel like giving up, i look into an other direction and i make a mental list of all i have already achieved, all the difficulties which i have overcome. (we all have a long list)

Then i say, if i overcame this. I am strong and i can do more.

This gives me courage.



LaetiBlabla
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 31 Dec 2015
Posts: 981
Location: Earth

27 Feb 2016, 3:59 pm

drlaugh
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Dec 2015
Posts: 3,360

06 Mar 2016, 11:20 am

I can go from content to argh cubed in a nano second.

Things that keep me centered are
A. Random gratitude list
This can be an A to Z list with word starting with each letter
Xylophone was the hardest to come up with

A shorter version is created by car license tag letters

When I first saw my wife's car (before we were married) tags it was AJW.
Her personality led me to
A
Joyous
Woman
She still is

Identifying things under my meltdowns and anger helps

Exercise. ..I went from walking to the mailbox was a chore - to spin classes 3 times a week

Celebrate Recovery

Above helps me ...
This morning I noticed a pre meltdown and finally figured out I was trying to intellectualize something my wife was sad about

Argh (not squared or cubed) :o


I can go from content to argh cubed in a nano second.

Things that keep me centered are
A. Random gratitude list
This can be an A to Z list with word starting with each letter
Xylophone was the hardest to come up with

A shorter version is created by car license tag letters

When I first saw my wife's car (before we were married) tags it was AJW.
Her personality led me to
A
Joyous
Woman
She still is

Identifying things under my meltdowns and anger helps

Exercise. ..I went from walking to the mailbox was a chore - to spin classes 3 times a week

Celebrate Recovery

Above helps me ...
This morning I noticed a pre meltdown and finally figured out I was trying to intellectualize something my wife was sad about

Argh (not squared or cubed) :o


_________________
Still too old to know it all


Dragon Dreamer
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

Joined: 19 Apr 2016
Age: 37
Gender: Male
Posts: 36
Location: Colorado

19 Apr 2016, 7:46 am

I'm on the despairing end. I've never dated and dislike being around people. I'm really depressed. I don't know what to do.



Chummy
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Dec 2010
Age: 30
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,343
Location: Location

30 Jun 2016, 8:16 pm

LaetiBlabla wrote:
Hello,

When i feel like giving up, i look into an other direction and i make a mental list of all i have already achieved, all the difficulties which i have overcome. (we all have a long list)

Then i say, if i overcame this. I am strong and i can do more.

This gives me courage.



I second that advice for MoonDog.

I actually just stole it from you right now if you don't mind. After so much gained during a long period of being patient, motivated and eager to learn, you can literally throw it all away in 1 milisec.

My ex, which was my 1st GF had some kind of learning disorder. she was an obvious NT girl type, we had fun together and parted in good terms.. It just wasn't meant to be in the long run. So when you say you have a learning disorder I automatically think of her...

Agreed for trying to get Dxed ASAP. maybe the insecurity of not knowing doing its thing. Also hopefully where you live you'll get some formal help from authorities by getting Dxed and try to be active. At all times. Active.



kazanscube
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Sep 2015
Gender: Male
Posts: 26,180

30 Jun 2016, 8:24 pm

The best way of saying this is often in my unorthodox daily life I do my best to remain hopeful & happy not thinking of the times or scenarios where I wound up being tormented. In fact, I feel disheartened with how many things which, I've set out to do sometimes, not all the time turn out to be empty realities.


_________________
I'm an extremely vulnerable person. Vulnerability and emotion are very closely linked.


drlaugh
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Dec 2015
Posts: 3,360

01 Jul 2016, 5:40 am

Like a car battery I keep myself charged while giving and helping others.

When I'm wrapped up in me I make a small package.
My wife says I'm over dressed.

I added swimming to my exercise list for the past month.

I still can get in the hamster brain wheel. I did that last night after church looking for something. (Physical object not metaphysically speaking).


_________________
Still too old to know it all