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Toucan
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10 Jun 2010, 11:11 am

I can't even babysit, I loose um. I'm not even afraid when they do run off, oh they'llll come back. The tiny tiny ones do baffle me..just sitting there and moving their legs


:lol:



unconquered
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20 Jun 2010, 11:02 am

Plenty of Aspie adults have kids. Look at Silicon Valley and its high rates of Asperger's diagnoses. For those of you who argue Asperger's has no genetic component, there ya go ;)

I would like to have children. However, I would like to be able to support them. I know now that I can emotionally support children. The issue is mainly financial at this point. So is finding a suitable life partner, but I'm sure that will come in time. Also, as I am getting closer to 30, I am becoming aware of the ticking clock gradually getting louder 8O


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Amajanshi
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20 Jun 2010, 3:42 pm

I think Aspie adults, and any adults for the matter should be allowed to have children, providing they are willing to look after them when they grow up and are conscientious for their health and wellbeing.



seaside
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23 Jun 2010, 10:07 pm

It was exactly at the age where I was realizing that this is the time to decide once and for all whether or not I would finally have kids... and I found out I have AS. ! Well, after years of my id's wanting a child but my superego's not wanting to put a new innocent person through such hardship and pain (this precludes adoption of preexisting persons!), WHEW! I thought. Thank GOODNESS I hesitated to do such a thing! Finding out this AS surprise at such an age was a relief: I am GLAD I did not when I had not found out I was on the spectrum.



Last edited by seaside on 24 Jun 2010, 9:25 am, edited 1 time in total.

unconquered
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23 Jun 2010, 11:59 pm

Amajanshi wrote:
I think Aspie adults, and any adults for the matter should be allowed to have children, providing they are willing to look after them when they grow up and are conscientious for their health and wellbeing.


+1


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luvntiedye
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24 Jun 2010, 4:30 am

I too have some pretty good social skills these days. However, this does not make me NT; I still am stuck with a lot of Aspie junk, including some very strange reactions to stress which really impacts my family :cry: . It seems that it makes my kids even more stressed than they already are, being Autie themselves, and then my husband has to do damage control. I hate that but all I can do is try not to lash out in those moments. Also, I do come across the occasional situation that throws me for a loop because I don't recognize it from my mental file of "situations and how to handle them". I have worked very hard on my situational repertoire so that I can be as functional as possible, but that can never make it "go away". I don't think being so highly functional makes me a better parent. I still have a large amount of difficulty with parenting, even though I seem "normal" most of the time. I reiterate: if I'd known then that I had this disorder, I don't think I would've had kids.


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unconquered
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24 Jun 2010, 12:15 pm

luvntiedye wrote:
I too have some pretty good social skills these days. However, this does not make me NT; I still am stuck with a lot of Aspie junk, including some very strange reactions to stress which really impacts my family :cry: . It seems that it makes my kids even more stressed than they already are, being Autie themselves, and then my husband has to do damage control. I hate that but all I can do is try not to lash out in those moments. Also, I do come across the occasional situation that throws me for a loop because I don't recognize it from my mental file of "situations and how to handle them". I have worked very hard on my situational repertoire so that I can be as functional as possible, but that can never make it "go away". I don't think being so highly functional makes me a better parent. I still have a large amount of difficulty with parenting, even though I seem "normal" most of the time. I reiterate: if I'd known then that I had this disorder, I don't think I would've had kids.


Same situation, different conclusion. I feel that I am much better prepared to have children now I that I know I have Asperger's Syndrome -- it's not a disorder.


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jdcnosse
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24 Jun 2010, 9:24 pm

This is something me and my girlfriend worry about. I want to have kids with her, but I already was born with cryptorchidism (undescended testicles) and I had a double orchiopexy to fix the problem when I was only a couple months old, but I was already told it will be harder for me to have children vs a male who testicles properly descended. I have told her this and it's already hard enough on her (as she keeps joking that I can't have children), so I don't want to tell her that it might be possible that we could have an autistic child, because she has already said to me that she just couldn't handle it.



MrXxx
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24 Jun 2010, 11:00 pm

jdcnosse wrote:
This is something me and my girlfriend worry about. I want to have kids with her, but I already was born with cryptorchidism (undescended testicles) and I had a double orchiopexy to fix the problem when I was only a couple months old, but I was already told it will be harder for me to have children vs a male who testicles properly descended. I have told her this and it's already hard enough on her (as she keeps joking that I can't have children), so I don't want to tell her that it might be possible that we could have an autistic child, because she has already said to me that she just couldn't handle it.


My wife and I now both believe we have Asperger's. We had three kids before we knew. Two have been DX'd AS, and the other PDD-NOS. We're now both positive we have it too. My wife's brother was DX'd years ago.

Would I still have kids if I had it all to do over knowing what I know now?

I LOVE my kids. They are ALL fantastic, gifted, and highly intelligent kids. I would DIE for them!

But, if I new then, before they were born, what I know now, well, I'm not so sure I'd do it. It would mean being willing to face twelve solid years of near pure HELL. There were many good times, but the stress that it all put on me, the kids, my wife, nearly drove us to divorce twice, and we both very nearly lost the boys once, permanently. It took TREMENDOUS effort to pull ourselves together and prevent that. It took tremendous effort to stay together, and learn to fight together.

I am damned glad I did it now that we are where we are. I love my family. I'm very happy we managed to stay together. We paid a very high price to do so, and a lot of lost time.

This may sound confusing, but this really IS how I feel. If I had the chance to go back and change it all, I WOULD NOT. If I knew then what I know now, I probably would not have had the boys.

Does that make any sense?

My advice to you is, TELL HER. Because if you don't, and you end up with kids, and one or more of them IS Autistic, she is BOUND to find out that you knew it was possible, and it could and probably will ruin your relationship PERMANENTLY.

Tell her.


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unconquered
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25 Jun 2010, 12:24 am

MrXxx wrote:
My wife and I now both believe we have Asperger's. We had three kids before we knew. Two have been DX'd AS, and the other PDD-NOS. We're now both positive we have it too. My wife's brother was DX'd years ago.

Would I still have kids if I had it all to do over knowing what I know now?

I LOVE my kids. They are ALL fantastic, gifted, and highly intelligent kids. I would DIE for them!

But, if I new then, before they were born, what I know now, well, I'm not so sure I'd do it. It would mean being willing to face twelve solid years of near pure HELL. There were many good times, but the stress that it all put on me, the kids, my wife, nearly drove us to divorce twice, and we both very nearly lost the boys once, permanently. It took TREMENDOUS effort to pull ourselves together and prevent that. It took tremendous effort to stay together, and learn to fight together.

I am damned glad I did it now that we are where we are. I love my family. I'm very happy we managed to stay together. We paid a very high price to do so, and a lot of lost time.

This may sound confusing, but this really IS how I feel. If I had the chance to go back and change it all, I WOULD NOT. If I knew then what I know now, I probably would not have had the boys.

Does that make any sense?


You aren't the only person who has said words to the effect of, "I love my kids, but knowing what I know now, I would not have had children." Kids really are a handful whether they have a diagnosis or not. Still, it can't be easy for a parent to admit that.

I once dated someone whose daughter was so much like me I wanted to raise her as my own. Unfortunately, the relationship with the person didn't work out. But I can't describe the connection I felt with his child -- like I was her mother, even though I had no biological or legal ties. It's very hard to even attempt to put it into words. It would have been a privilege to raise her as my own. I hope I have a similar opportunity as a mother.


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Element333
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26 Jun 2010, 12:22 am

Amajanshi wrote:
I think Aspie adults, and any adults for the matter should be allowed to have children, providing they are willing to look after them when they grow up and are conscientious for their health and wellbeing.


I've met many NT people who shouldn't be allowed to have children. But, that's beside the point. I have two children, and they grew up quite nicely, with no negative effects. One's in college and the other has already graduated college and is now working in the medical profession, making 4 times more money than I ever did in my entire life. Can't say that I did badly in the child-rearing department. My youngest has AS and is doing fine. He's not wild about the idea of having kids, though. Don't know why, and he won't say.

E333



Joe90
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19 Jul 2010, 12:35 pm

I do have a man who loves me. He's an NT, I'm an Aspie (he doesn't even know I'm an Aspie and if I told him he will be surprised because my social skills aren't too bad. I just told him I've got a few learning difficulties, cos I'm not bright like Aspies should be). I don't know whether I should have a baby because:-
1. It might be very Autistic, and I can't cope with having a child who is (no offense) really retarded
2. I have a big fear of being sick, and children get a lot of stomach viruses and the thought of having to clean their sick up fills me with fear and discust, and I don't want to catch the virus
3. I might get confused on what I have to do with the bottle-feeding - I know that having a baby is a full-time job
4. It might be the type of baby what cries more than the average baby/toddler
5. It might be deformed. I'm not being horrible and I don't mean it personally to anyone with relatives with deformities, but I am frightened of deformed-looking people with no faces or something

But I would really love a baby - except for my worse fears, which are these 5 points.



Solitaire
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20 Jul 2010, 8:11 pm

Like a lot of other parents on this board, I wasn't diagnosed when I had my kids. However, I still knew that I was "different", and when I had my first one at 23, I was completely unprepared for being a parent. I was really pathetic. I had never baby sat and never held a baby, and now here I was with my own. LOL. I got her home and she started to cry. Neither me nor my NT husband had any idea what to do. I had to read the instructions on the box of disposable diapers in order to change her. I got Dr. Spock's book, and a bunch of other books, and also asked my mother for advice. Within a week I was a pro, but she was my child. I had zero interest in dealing with anybody else's babies.

Being a parent is a bit of an alien concept to an aspie (some more than others). I won't say it has been easy, either. My first has many "shadow traits" of asperger's. My second is an extrovert NT. My older one and I have always had an easy, straight-forward way of communicating. My younger one was always a "mommy's girl" but as she got older and saw other NT mothers, I suspect she was a bit disappointed in my non-social ways. However, she has always liked my no-nonsense approach, my exceptional truthfulness regarding life (I never sugar-coated stuff for my kids. Why protect them from what's real and fill their head with fantasies?), and my reliability at always being there at home for her when I wasn't at work.

As far as the noise bothering me, neither of my children hardly cried at all. I chalk that up to me being always able to anticipate their needs before they got frustrated so they were very content and quiet generally. Of course, if they get sick, they'll cry some. They may puke on you, or you may have to clean up stuff that'll make you gag, but the funny thing is, when it's your own little sweetie, it's not as bad.

I think becoming a parent has really developed me as a human living among humanity. My normal predisposition is to hide and observe in the shadows, to take the desk at the back of the class by the door, and to be a hermit at home for many days at a time if I can get away with it. Having kids who need you means that you don't get to hide, you have to get out there, get them to school, deal with their teachers, deal with their little friends and the little friend's parents, birthday parties, Christmas, school plays, etc. You become involved in their world and so are drawn out of your own. I think it has made my soul infinitely larger and wiser. You learn that you can love another human being more than you love yourself, in a way that the other poster said, you would easily die for them, and there would be no hesitation. That kind of love is mighty powerful! I am glad that I became a parent, even thought I am now, at age 48, 1/2 grey.

Bottom line: If you want kids, are cool with whatever they are born to be, and understand the long-term heavy commitment they require in order to grow and thrive, then go for it. If you are worried about genetics, and your genetic history is rife with PDD, retardation, and other mental abberations, then think twice. If you don't want kids, great. You live in an age where you can still be sexually active and not be a parent (yay!). My oldest is now 25 and married, and doesn't want any children. She is afraid of passing on our "dysfunction". I respect her decision. She is doing the right thing for her. My younger one is excited to have children and is already thinking of names, because it's right for her.

If you can't make up your mind, I would lean on the side of "no". Once you have them, do you really want them to feel unwanted? Everybody should be wanted by their parents, and accepted just the way they are.



Joe90
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26 Jul 2010, 4:10 pm

I think it'd be cruel if I had children, knowing that I'm at risk of having an autistic child. It's not fair on the child. I struggled through life ever since I was 4 - why should I bring another child into the world who is going to suffer?

But then I think to myself my young life is ticking away.
There's going to come a day where I will be 35 years old and feel more ready and happy to have children - then realise I'm too old and that I'm more at risk than ever of having a handicapped child.

Disabilities frighten me - I'm afraid of my own disability.



Solitaire
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26 Jul 2010, 6:49 pm

Joe90, when you're 35 and ready to have a child, consider adoption if you are concerned over any inherited disabilities. Just a thought.