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Snowy Owl
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26 Jul 2010, 7:52 pm

Just a note: my parents had me, their first and only, at 43 and 40!

(So I never felt rushed, waiting to 'grow up' enough. Now I am 43... and within weeks after turning that age, found out about A/S. Hmh! Very interesting.)

Anyhow, back to you...



lostonearth35
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23 Aug 2010, 1:54 pm

Personally, I don't think most adults at should have children at ALL. Look how messed up kids and their parents are now. Look how messed up the world is now! Look how overpopulated it is. It costs way too much money to raise them and you can't even yet your kid go out and play in the yard without them getting kidnapped or killed. Predators are everywhere, and they'll probably die before you do because of obesity. It's just not worth it anymore. :(



nelle
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24 Aug 2010, 11:57 pm

I am a 50 yr old aspie adult with 3 grown children. I didn't know I was aspie untill recently. It is very difficult to be a partent in the best of circumstances. I had a very hard time. I rarely ever make eye contact. In fact I didn't even know there was such a thing untill one of my sons asked me why I didn't, he was 11. This made me aware and I forced myself to make some eye contact but it still doesn't come naturally. There is so much social stuff to do when you have kids. school is a huge social situation with many expectations for parents. Then there are Dr appointments, dentist appts, play dates, socializing in the neighborhood etc etc. There is less time to decompress when you get overloaded. I could go on and on. I love my kids so much! All 3 have problems. One I think is aspie, but not diagnosed, tho his therapist agrees that he might be. Anyway, I think they have some problems because thay were raised by an aspie mom, and some getetic factors as well. Like I said, I love them, but knowing what I know now I wouldn't do it again.



Coffeequeen1981
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29 Aug 2010, 9:58 am

I haven't read this whole thread- it would take me too long but from what I've seen, the beginning and the end, this seems to be quite negative. I am a single mum to a five year old and yes, it is very hard work but to be honest I don't know any different! I have been with him full time since I divorced when he was one year old. His father is an NT who doesn't give a toss apart from playing power games on a regular basis and not bothering to spend time with his son. Frankly having a NT husband was like having an extra child! My story is apparently not unusual.

I should probably add that I was unaware of my Aspie-ness until the start of this year and my relationship was largely based on sex and impulse- we never once had an emotional conversation. However being a parent has proved to be the making of me. It has helped me to identify priorities outwith myself, and through seeing my son's actions (he's likely aspie too according to school) and reactions to milestones and circumstances, his traits and impulses, his needs, rigidity interests and how he expresses himself unburdened by social norms he hasn't encountered yet, Ive come to terms with who I am and my experiences. Why I grew up 'different' from others. Recognising my AS has helped me be a better parent too, as I now try not to make him calm down, chill out or be more 'normal'... he's free to be himself!

I believe I was lucky to grow up not knowing about AS (it was dismissed in the 80s me being a girl) as I learned to accept that I was just different, rather than labelled. The experiences I had being bullied, a loner, overly academic, incredibly rigid morally made my journey long and hard but now I'm incredibly strong and I'm very proud of who I am now... So much so I'm going into life coaching. In recognising my own talents and worth, I am going to bring up my son to have that confidence that took me 29yrs to develop.

After all we're different, not deficient...

Ask yourself this... Would you rather you weren't born than have AS?
I know my son wouldn't... he's a very happy child- and I wouldn't!
Then there's no reason not to have children- Ive even heard it said that Asperger's is an evolutionary development, lol- I know I am more in touch with instinct and intuition than my 'emotionally cluttered' friends and frankly, I'm better than most people I know at most things- and have an IQ of 163, so maybe there's some truth in it! Now I know I have AS Ive also stopped worrying about sounding boastful or breaking taboos. I am what I am and these are facts. Isn't normal just 'conformist' anyway?

In answer to the first question... maybe you both wanting different things is more a reflection on the relationship than the morality of reproducing.. Or of your personal circumstances and lifestyles/ personality traits? Keep talking and if you both want different things, maybe it's not the relationship for you long term. Live here and now, and enjoy it for as long as it lasts. But I say good for you for getting this far... I can't really give out advice I've yet to use the word 'relationship' verbally without gagging and I'm (very nearly) 30!


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glider18
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06 Sep 2010, 3:35 pm

I am an officially diagnosed parent with Asperger's. Do I believe an Aspie adult should have children? Absolutely, yes. My wife and I have two sons. Our youngest son (9 years old) is officially diagnosed with Asperger's, and our oldest son (14) has several Asperger's traits. I would not want my sons any other way. That is part of their charm. We belong to an autism support group---mainly we just do a lot of family get-togethers to movies and game centers. I personally love being around autistic children---and there are all degrees of the autism spectrum represented at these.


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Junichiro
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30 Dec 2010, 1:22 pm

Francis wrote:
JazzofLife wrote:
Never been a parent in any way, shape, or form. Saw it as more from economic reasons than anything else. Average child in the USA costs at least $200,000 from the time of birth to graduating from college. I could use that money in other ways and not have a child. Sorry if it sounds like a cold answer (as if I don't care).


I have 2 kids and they are worth every dollar of it.

Seeing how self-centered you are, it is better off you don't have kids.


Embracing a family and taking on the responsibility of children is every bit as self-centered as the person who can honestly assert they do not want to have children, then back up that assertion with reason.



JazzofLife
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17 Jan 2011, 1:01 am

ACG wrote:
Hi!

I'm finally in a relationship with someone (an NT girl who's getting a doctorate in astrophysics) and we were discussing children. She doesn't want children. I may.

Then something occurred to me -- SHOULD I have children? What are the risks that an Aspie adult will have an autistic child? If it's more than maybe 10-15% I'm almost thinking it may not be worth the risk. I may want children, but if it's not a very good idea...

Thanks in advance,

ACG


If she doesn't want children and you do, could be a dealbreaker for her. Doesn't matter what the risks are.


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ida
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17 Jan 2011, 4:00 pm

I have HFA and my only child was born with down syndrome. Oddly enough my sister child (niece) have autism but my sister is bipolar. My brother baby I don't see much but I can tell he is delayed when I do see him. my brother have ADD and more stuff. my other siblings all have disorders and I'm sure there kids will too.

It is hard for me to be a parent. Kobe father is a aspie, and when Kobe was born his father just left. He came back when Kobe was two, I told him to go kill himself.
Now at the age of five I wish I haven't of done that. :cry: :oops:












:oops: :oops:


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JazzofLife
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17 Jan 2011, 4:25 pm

Junichiro wrote:
Francis wrote:
JazzofLife wrote:
Never been a parent in any way, shape, or form. Saw it as more from economic reasons than anything else. Average child in the USA costs at least $200,000 from the time of birth to graduating from college. I could use that money in other ways and not have a child. Sorry if it sounds like a cold answer (as if I don't care).


I have 2 kids and they are worth every dollar of it.

Seeing how self-centered you are, it is better off you don't have kids.


Embracing a family and taking on the responsibility of children is every bit as self-centered as the person who can honestly assert they do not want to have children, then back up that assertion with reason.


So, I am self-centered in thinking the way I do... it's up to each person to decide if they want kids or not. I made my choice. As a result, not having kids frees me up to do other things, like hosting an autism support/social group for AS adults. Not having kids frees me up to go out and socialize a good deal in the NT community. Not having kids (and not being involved in a relationship with anyone) allows me to get away on the weekends when I want without having to ask, "Gee, can we do this or that?" It allows me to do a fair amount of travelling. I don't have as much of a possibility if I am a parent. If I am a parent, I am restricted by what I can do because of the responsibility involved with raising a child. Doesn't take a rocket scientist to totally understand that.

As for Francis's comments, those are his comments and his choice to make the comments he did. If he feels I am self centered, so be it. I can understand why he felt the way he did in making his comments. People who are parents feel that their kids are great gifts to them. Why should any parent feel any less about that? If I was a parent and I had kids, I would feel the same as all these parents. However, I can understand why I made the comments I did, too. Some people were meant to be parents, and some weren't. I am no less of a person never having been a parent than Francis is being a parent. Any reasonable human being could understand that. Definitely, I feel no less worthy of being a person than the individual who is a parent, just because that person brought life into this world and I didn't.

So, if this means I am self-centered for living my life the way I do, then I am self-centered and I will continue living out my dream. That's my choice, and no one will take that from me (just as I don't take anyone's choice of being a parent). Now, it's time to continue planning out my autism support/social group for people locally who can benefit by it. If that's also self-centered because I am making a difference in people's lives in a very good way, then let me be self-centered all the more. I'll leave it at that.


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Dx'd with AS and AD/HD Combined in 2007

Interests: Music, great outdoors (beach/mountains), cooking/baking, philosophy, arts/sciences, reading, writing, sports, spirituality, Green, sus


Cash__
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20 Jan 2011, 8:41 pm

Quote:
Should an Aspie adult have children?


It's better then aspie children having children.



LateToThis
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22 Jan 2011, 12:47 pm

I chose not to have kids before I ever discovered there was a label to my many "symptoms".

I just never felt the urge to have them myself. I am different that way from many. Doesn't mean I have to put down another's life or feel I have to defend my choice.

The world is full of unwanted kids. And there are too many people on the planet. And kids are expensive to raise right in this part of the world. So what? Our country is not overpopulated, and if you WANT kids, that's excellent, at least they will be WANTED and treasured. You certainly can't control everything in life and if parenting is where your journey took you, be proud and do the best job you can with them. I think figuring out how to be happy is pretty important. Many of us spent unhappy lives because we were not recognized as "OKAY" in our differences and spent fruitless energy being punished or shunned for our differentness. The person who says she's not trying to make her aspie kids be so called "normal" is probably a really good parent, especially since her son is happy.

But if one more NT person tells me they feel sorry for me because I never had kids, I may just have to laugh in their faces. For me it would have been an awful choice and made me so unhappy. I am much happier without them. Why doesn't society recognize that as valid?



Ahaseurus2000
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25 Jan 2011, 3:03 am

pandabear wrote:
I'm aspie, and I have children.


Sounds like the start of a rhyme, sung in the "He's a lumberjack" style.


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YoshiPikachu
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28 Oct 2011, 5:14 pm

I'm gotta have a bay in 5 months so, YES!


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BuyerBeware
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29 Oct 2011, 12:15 pm

JazzofLife wrote:
ACG wrote:
Hi!

I'm finally in a relationship with someone (an NT girl who's getting a doctorate in astrophysics) and we were discussing children. She doesn't want children. I may.

Then something occurred to me -- SHOULD I have children? What are the risks that an Aspie adult will have an autistic child? If it's more than maybe 10-15% I'm almost thinking it may not be worth the risk. I may want children, but if it's not a very good idea...

Thanks in advance,

ACG


If she doesn't want children and you do, could be a dealbreaker for her. Doesn't matter what the risks are.


Second that. I'd be more worried about this than any possibility that any kids will end up on the spectrum somewhere.

Although FWIW, I'm on the spectrum and have 3 kids. If any of them are, it's very mild. Also I like being a parent. It's not perfect (what is??) but it is enjoyable. You don't have to be perfectly able to empathize, perfectly able to respond, perfectly able to be perfect to be a good parent. NT's aren't perfect-- they're just better at not stressing about their faults because they have lots of people like them to make them feel OK.

My kids are happy and healthy. The biggest problem I have had is with the judgments of others, getting pissed over what THEY think a parent should be.


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League_Girl
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29 Oct 2011, 3:22 pm

I have a ten month old and I love being a parent. He is a mild baby and NT so far. I want to have another one but can't right now because we don't have room for another child. Plus I don't think I want them so close in age range after seeing in a blog how stressful that is.