Relationship Problems (No, Not the Romantic Kind)

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Guys, please read this one. It's serious and not some quasi-troll I wrote just because I was bored.

I'll be going back to college this morning; and, as I've been trying to fall asleep, I've been thinking about how to explain Asperger's syndrome to people. It's a subtle disorder; I look pretty much normal, act fairly close to normal, and speak fairly close to normal; but, in order to understand the debilitation, my entire life has to be looked at. Anyway, since the area of Asperger's syndrome that I consider most disabling for me is social, I am thinking of explaining it as relationship problems—but not as NeuroTypicals understand them.

When NTs think of relationship problems, they think of pretty minor disputes over things that, considered from the perspective of my relationship problems, are almost a joke. For boyfriend-girlfriend relationships, NTs have a litany of common relationship problems: not spending enough time with each other, emotional neediness, fidelity, etc. In plutonic relationships, they might fid fault in a person's personality traits: They might mostly like a person but dislike how talkative they can be in public, for example. At work, a worker might not like their boss's way of assigning tasks and checking on the work; the boss, on the other hand, might find a person's personality traits to be indicative of laziness or lack of motivation instead of a different learning style or mode of working. These kinds of small problems lead to one party's desiring to change the behavior of the other party to conform better to their expectations. These desires lead to arguments, fights, passive-aggressive hostility, and so on. Of course, most NTs are somewhat flexible and take part in give and take to maintain their relationships. But NTs almost seem to need a few relationship problems; it's a big part of their lives. If their boyfriend or girlfriend is perfect, they won't have too much to say to their friends. If they aren't stressed at work, they won't have a reason to go out and go bowling or, in worse cases, drinking. Without these conflicts, where would movies and novels come from? And entertainment is, after all, a way of dealing with stress vicariously.

Yet these problems are all so petty to me. Of course, I myself have had these kinds of relationship problems before, but a different kind of relationship problem plagues me. In general, I have a pretty agreeable personality (my trolling episodes not withstanding); I am willing to compromise and take part in the give and take all relationships require. I really wish my relationship problems were just an excess of willfulness. My relationship problems are the relationships themselves. Just making friends is a struggle for me. It's not because I'm really mean, totally withdrawn, or anything that might be indicative of a personality defect (although I acknowledge I have some personality flaws just like everyone). The desire for friends is there; the need for friends is there; the attempts to make friends have happened; but the ability is lacking despite being pretty smart otherwise. What dooms me from the start is misunderstanding. I unintentionally give off signals in my body language, tone of voice, and facial expression (or relative lack thereof) that have nothing to do with what I am thinking or want. People mistake these things for my not wanting to talk to them, my disliking them, or worse. Here I am trying to be optimistic and do the best I can to be thoughtful, friendly, funny, and supportive; but, when I give off a "weird" vibe or act somewhat stiffly, nothing can make up for that.

I hate no one. I don't hold grudges. Even if a person has serious personality flaws that even I eventually recognize, I really don't hold it against them. I mean no one's perfect; and I'm in the business of making friends, not enemies. Even if it means a friendship seems to be pretty one-sided to me, I don't huff up and spill vitriol everywhere. I'd rather have a friend even if that friend has trouble seeing beyond their narrow perspective and has trouble being flexible than absolutely no friends at all. In spite of my differences, I still have many of the same needs and wants NTs have. I don't believe my intentions are bad or selfish, and I don't believe my personality flaws are so serious that they are what's causing all my problems—it's really the basic understanding of the flow of social interaction that trips me up no matter what the color of the blood in my heart is (here I am using a metaphor to illustrate that one's intentions can give an ill shade to the blood [life force] in one's heart [the figurative center of compassionate emotions]).

I want to have friends. I want a girlfriend. I want to work. I'm not asocial, parasitic, or indifferent. I'm crushed.

I'm in the same boat - It must be in the way I act.. but I try really hard to be friendly to people, sometimes they just grunt back.

I've begun to think something i'm doing is really wrong, and I can't figure out what - or help it.

It could actually be the other people who have the problem. I wish there was something better I could say to help as I have troubles with people thinking I'm really bored or depressed (I often am but not always) or that I don't like them (occasionally that is true: about 1% of the time).

People these days seem to grow up without a lot of social skills and good manners. There seems to be a lot of this in the generation before, too. I tend to get on better with older people in general as they were often taught manners and conversational skills.

I wish I knew something to say that would make things better for you.

Neant, you were pretty hyper last night and maybe standing on a chair in the middle of Subway was a bit inappropriate. Just guessing though.

If I'd been there, I would have thought that was funny. I have a friend who can get me laughing just by making funny faces at me. This might be a bit bad, but when somebody burps, I have a lot of trouble preventing myself from laughing hysterically about it.

He did that to take a picture. He was taking pictures of us in Subway.

Trust me: It's not that. I usually don't do crap like that, but honestly I've gotten pretty tired of going out of my way to fit in and be normal. I decided why the hell not act like an eccentric artist who has to get the "angle" that captures the "mood"? I mean, really, I don't stand on chairs thinking it'll get me the ladies. You can't really extrapolate how I behave among aspies to how I behave among NTs usually. I feel almost I should be a little eccentric around my fellow aspies.

I find most NT's to be lacking in empathy and like to skim subjects very quickly, maybe they say some innapropiate remark but rather than find out the truth it is agreement with them and quick movement into next topic-lite that is all important, particularly in a pack situation. Conversations like that are boring for me because I only find out if there is something in what they say if I challenge them.

Hi,
I'm an N.T. but was hospitalized with numerous health issues nearly all my young life. It's made it hard for me to make real friends so in this instance, I feel like I have some understanding of what you're going through. I think most people have to be open to making friends. There are some that have their relationship doors closed. That can be the most frustrating thing as sometimes, these people are the ones you'd really like to get to know. You can do everything, be friendly, etc but sometimes it won't matter. I've found that. It's painful too. But I say all of this to encourage you not to give up because there are people out there who are caring and willing to be friends. But I know it's tough finding them!!

The best thing is to be honest about who you are and hopefully, they will in turn respect you by being open.

Good Luck!!
Mellow

Neant, I can relate to alot of what you say as well. However, I have lost the need to try and make friendships and have relationships with people because of the effort it takes me. I know that is rather like giving up, but currently it seems just too hard to maintain a relationship when everyone will use the excuse of studying or have other friends to see. Now I know I have a problem with my abilities to do things, my 'friends' or aquaintances are unaccepting and refuse to believe there is a problem, even when it stares them in the face. They were more accepting of my problems before I knew about aspergers, and now it seems intentional that they continue to do things that drive me insane. for instance I get claustraphobic when people close in on me (which may or may not be related to aspergers) and I frequently tell my friends nicely when I feel like that, because it makes me panic, but lately they have been ignoring it and only move when I start to really panic about it, but they get upset that I've asked them harshly or demanded it.

Sometimes acting a little eccentrically around NTs works well because not everyone wants someone who's the same or doesn't act themself all the time. I don't know waht else to say but I hope things look up for you

Oh and a side thought, the problem with people in general is that they automatically close people out unintentionally (at least I find this) and everyone needs lots of motivation to keep pushing themselves into the group to stay in the conversation and all that. It's really hard to stay in a conversation with people without being challenged for attention or completely ridiculed, even just sitting in a group is challenging because you're under threat of being excluded when other people come to join in. And I know that just doesn't happen to me because it happens to other friends as well. I don't know if that's got anything to do with this though.

This was me in highschool and college. Bouncing off the walls, taking pictures of everything.
You really should enjoy this freedom before everyone you know starts to take life too seriously. I found that some people really dug that kind of thing. A lot of girls seemed to find it refreshing. As I have gotten older, and more cynical it's not so easy to make a spectacle of myself anymore and my friends are much too "mature" for this kind of sillyness.

I really wouldn't try to explain AS to people, particularly potential friends, it is likely to just make things harder for you.

Gotta just be yourself. Maybe you should come out here to Denver I always act interesting in public and being on a table taking pictures is just natural for me. I also have some friends like that and we just go on with life. I put myself in a box for eight years but I was not happy so the socially inappropriate Y is back and I am happy.

Plus if it is any consolution I am married so someone found they could deal with my behavior

I definately do have all of the problems NeantHumain mentioned, though I do also have other problems such as shyness, insecurity, and being too physically affectionate. It seems like a lot of the time, potentially great friendships get ruined by me being too "touchy", losing the courage to be myself, and/or beginning to whine about how I have no friends and whatnot. I'm aware of these problems and I always make an effort to restrain myself but it always just seems to work temporarily.

I always felt like NTs were very shallow emotionally. They don't seem to *feel* things as strongly, so they're suprised that things affect me so much. If I'm interested in something, I get really intense about it. Otherwise, I don't bother. They don't get that. And it has been a problem for me. They always misinterpret *my* bodylanguage as being angry or something - when I'm just feeling passionate about a topic! I had to train myself to sit *back* instead of forward, and to keep my tone of voice low. When I think about it, I can do it. I just sometimes forget.

But, yeah - I agree with you that they seem to just kinda skim the surface of subjects. It's hard not to just get bored and wander away when they do that...

Maybe you need to stand on chairs more often.

Really.

My advice is this- do not try to be someone you aren't. It's cliche, I know, but it works. Even if you do end up making friends with someone using an "NT facade," you will eventually become very tired and frustrated at having to keep that up. People who are genuine and confident are generally more attractive than people who hide themselves beneath a false exterior. If you behave like you naturally would, you're more likely to find people who are more accepting of you for who you are, and you'll likely get along with them more easily because of it.

Exactly, sometimes it takes time but when you find those people who accept you for you it is lifelong and worth the wait (I know that is also cliche but it comes from my heart).

Y