what should I do/say??

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Hi everyone,
I'm hoping that someone (esp. the parents) might be able to shed some light here. I've known this family for a while (4+ years) and have suspected that their younger son (now just 21) might have Aspergers. He's highly intelligent and articulate, but displays the characteristics that I've been reading about--problems with what he considers too much noise, meltdowns, eccentric speech patterns, difficulty reading body language, etc.

The issue that I'm confronted with is how (if I should) broach this concern with the parents? They don't seem to handle 'confrontation' or 'negativity' well, and I don't want to upset them, I want to be able to help this young man, if indeed he has Aspergers. Adding to my confusion is the fact that I've just married his older brother, so I feel very anxious about possibly alienating a family that I adore. I've spoken to my husband previously about my concerns, and he doesn't seem to want to face it (or bring it up with his parents) either.

I would be fine not to meddle, but it really upsets me when I see his bro have such trouble sometimes--although he does seem to have improved. I feel responsible, but I don't want to overstep my bounds. I mean, how awful would I feel if this were to come out years from now and I hadn't done or said anything! Do I talk to the parents? The brother? Do I try and convince my husband to speak up? (he thinks it's likely too, but hates the thought of bringing up anything "negative"! ! --arg!) What do I do??? And perhaps, more importantly, how??? Thanks in advance for your help...

If you're going to talk to anyone, talk to the younger son. He's 21 and an adult! Why would you start with the parents, who are likely to be hostile at any suggestion that there is something "wrong" with their son?

Actually, I would suggest you don't bring it up at all, at least not yet. If you want to help your brother-in-law, start a friendship with him. Get to know him better. Research Asperger's and be considerate of the little things that might cause him trouble, like explaining yourself matter-of-factly instead of getting offended if he doesn't seem to be reading your subvocal clues. If he does start really struggling with life - finding a job, finding romance, whatever - and starts looking for help or answers, that's the time to bring up Asperger's. That way, it doesn't have to be in a "I noticed you do this, this, and this wrong, maybe you have a developmental disorder..." kind of way. More like a "Hey, here's a possible explanation for the trouble you're having, does this sound familiar?" kind of way.

Just my two cents.

Hi, thanks for your comments...I do try to be supportive -- guess it's just hard for me to know what to do sometimes or how to handle our interactions.

The reason I was thinking of talking to the parents is because he's probably more like a teenager still than an adult. He's very dependent on his parents and he's never had a girlfriend (or boyfriend), and doesn't seem interested. Is that a usual occurrence? But if you think it's a better idea to wait until he expresses more discomfort... I just don't want to wait until he's extremely unhappy!

thanks again...

What sort of problems is he having, other than being dependent on his parents, not dating, and having melt downs? Are these problems, or just differences? (With the possible exception of the meltdowns).

Anyway, I agree with Pyraxis. I think that's very good advice.

I didn't date anyone until I was 21, and then my relationships were peculiar at best. But, at 32, I married my beautiful, patient, NT wife. Sexuality is a struggle for an aspie or someone with autism. Because we have trouble developing relationships, we are not certain of ourselves as sexual people. Some aspies become uncertain as to their own sexual orientation because of their lack of success at forming relationships. (I don't mean to demean homosexuality here at all; it's just that it's hard for some aspies to know how they feel and who they can relate to.)

I was very emotional, and, at 56, sometimes still am, overreacting to things every now and then.

But it's just the way I am. And there are plenty of positive things that are different about me.

Just try to understand him and relate to him as the person he is. Trying to confront his family will probably accomplish nothing but alienating them.

You sound like a very good person, and I'm sure you will do fine.

Just keep in mind that there are different forms of maturity. If he doesn't have a job, it may have far more to do with Asperger's-related social problems than the lack of skill or motivation to work. You did say he was very intelligent. The thing about the autistic spectrum is that any individual can have huge discrepancies in their various areas of functioning. I'm 22 and still financially dependent on (and living with) my parents. But I was quite capable of seeking out a diagnosis alone when I was 20, through my college - which my parents still don't know about, because they still believe psychology is a pseudoscientific cult and there couldn't possibly be a reason for some of their daughter's weirder actions.

And even if he does have the emotional maturity of a teenager, that's all the more reason to go to him instead of the parents... think of the average teenager's reaction to the implication that they aren't mature enough to make their own decisions.



Yes. There's a thread in the Romantic Relationships forum that should give you a general sense of when the people on this site started dating:

http://www.wrongplanet.net/modules.php? ... opic&t=942



It's not so much a question of how much discomfort he's in, as whether he wants help and is trying to change his life. Think of it this way: if he's satisfied with the status quo and you come to him saying "I think you might have Asperger's" then you're in danger of sounding like a parent trying to give unwanted advice, telling him his life's not good enough. But if he's already struggling and looking for answers, then "I think you might have Asperger's" sounds like you're an equal who respects him for what he's already doing.



No problem.