Why can't the unwritten rules of social play be written?

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Share your thoughts.

Interesting thought. Perhaps it could be like a Code of Conduct.

I'm drafting an essay on Asperger's Syndrome, and while thinking about it I found it curious that whether an act "breaks the unwritten rules" is a judgment that requires absolutely no justification and may be used freely against any person one chooses. It appears to be little more than a fountain of intolerance and prejudice.

So, would "No Mikes Allowed" be an unwritten rule? How would I know?

Are the unwritten rules fixed or open to revision? What is a person diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome supposed to do when he's told that he breaks the unwritten rules?

Tell us what the unwritten rules are about.

Last edited by MikeH106 on 23 Mar 2008, 4:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.

you're referring to the whole body language, nonverbal communication thing? so i guess it might be possible but it would be huge and convoluting as a text, for it seems to be filled with exceptions to rules and conditions what rules mean what in certain circumstances...
but then, there are basic parts of rules written out, usually in those articles on flirting.

if you are referring to the rules what is suitable/tolerable and what is not, i dont think there would be much sense in doing that. usually, its a kind of common judgmental concept, kind of like majority rule. its ever-changing, too, so chances are high that a full catalogue of rules would be outdated before its completed.
think of how fast fashion things change, what kind of clothes are "in" and what is undeniably yesterday and pathetic - i tend to think of those unwritten rules as similar..

I think that would be great, if the there were written rules. I am a perfectionist, and would strive to be the most socially acceptable, person possible. I was always socially awkward, and had trouble picking up on things that NT's take for granted. I know this is only hypothetical but, yes, it would have been nice.

I don’t think they can be written down. I get the feeling they would constantly change from one select group to another.

Some of the rules would contradict other rules, which would be perfectly ok by NT standards. I sense mass confusion!

Plus there's probably some unwritten rule somewhere about writing down the unwritten rules for those who don't understand the rules to begin with. It's a no-no. <-- J/K

The rules of social conduct will never be written. The reason is that they are filth, and nobody wants the filth of society written in front of them. Who wants to see advertised that, for example:

-- In order to get ahead in life, you have to lie through your teeth. We call this "being diplomatic", "white lying", "being considerate of others' feelings", "saving people's hurt", and other euphemisms. All in all, it's just about saying what others want to hear and then surreptitiously doing whatever serves your interests no matter what you said.

-- What you look like is more important than who you really are. Cultivate the illusion you sell of yourself, not your soul.

-- To not feel alone, you have to belong, so cooperate with the consumer society we've created and make us rich: buy the latest cell phone with toilet and bath, get a mortgage for life, have children and spend lots on stuff for them so they can belong too. Cooperate with the interests of the powers that be, and the powers that be will give you an illusion of belonging and well-being. Moma will help you build the wall.

Social play-by-play rules topic

I remember one forum where Greentea posted a video about how to give a hug, filed in jest but a step by step instruction that other members found useful. I will try to find it and get back to you.

the social norm is something that comes naturally to non autistics. a lot of the stuff goes down to a psychological level, I think, and very few people outside of the medical profession have such an intricate grasp of psychology. On the Plus side I've seen several self help guides to Aspergers on Amazon, perhaps they can offer some insight.

there are hundreds of books written on every aspect of this. Miss Manners, Emily Post, etc., though old, etc., are mainly about problems people have with social situations. Some basic rules are there, but some are meant to be broken.

Fads, cliques, etc., also make their own rules. Different races, countries, and ages all have their own rules. Memorizing them is something most people would have a hard time with. Some of these groups will change their own rules if they suspect outsiders of 'learning' them.

I wish people came with instruction manuals too....

In times when the world turned on manners (19th century England, classical Japan and China, and America's puritan era), it was. "The Rules" were catalogued obsessively. Social chaos may be the price we pay for freedom.

The rules can be written, but they're continually evolving so some aspects of the writing will be obsolete before it's published.

For some basic explanations and guidelines from an (educated) autistic point of view, try reading "The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships" by Temple Grandin.

For the big picture (philosophical/anthropological, not religious) try "Ishmael" by Daniel Quinn

Besides, if they were written down, they wouldn't be "unwritten rules" any more, would they?

Even if one could pin down these social rules and explain them straightforwardly, its the fluidity (of the rules) that probably can't be pinned down and explained straightforwardly. One can't use the social rules to one's adavantage without understanding the fluidity. Fluidity, fluidity, fluidity. Damn fluidity!

Unfortunately, "unwritten rules," is just an expression. As other people have pointed out, there is a whole body of "social comprehension" that most children pick up in early childhood. Each person interprets those comprehensions in their own way.

Example. (one girl to another) "If you kiss my boyfriend, I'm gonna kill both of you." Now, an NT would probably realize that the girl was using an expression. She had no more intent of really killing either of them. In that context "I'm gonna kill you," has a lot of non-violent meanings. It could mean "I'll never talk to you again, I'll slash your car tires, I'll give your cell phone number to a whole bunch of people and tell them you charge for sex, and you're looking for customers....whatever. But it does not literally mean kill.

Some Autistics, on the other hand might very well justify killing said second girl for real on the basis that the girl had been warned to stay away from the boyfriend, and didn't.

This isn't as silly as it sounds.

That's why the unwritten rules can't be written.

Cheers.

BTDT

I think that is a great idea.

Why not start a web site full of tips and tricks AS people have learned. I don't know if I'm AS or not, ADD so far... But I feel I'm probably on the autistic spectrum also( all this stuff is still confusing), I don't have the same social problems that people on this site have, well mine are not as extreme. So I might have knowledge that could be helpful to people.

I think getting people that have milder autism to explain things to people with more extreme autism could be helpful.
If people with exteme AS explain things to other people with extreme AS, it can be like the blind leading the blind.
Also you could have NT people putting in their points of view, to make it better.


So after a while you could come up with a good code of conduct.

here is a link I found
http://www-users.cs.york.ac.uk/~alistair/survival/

You could use that as a base and improve it and expand it.