sadly disappointed with my mom

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Ster: Most of my family pulls this kind of garbage. Some of it can be blamed on substance abuse, but, IMHO, a good chunk of it is people being jerks, idiots, or not really wanting to spend time with you. It completely sucks. I have close family: a sister, two uncles, a heap of cousins, that I will likely never see again. Some of them do what your mom does - we call them strafing calls because they resemble drive-by shootings. As they are driving by (or after) they tell you that they were there almost like rubbing in the fact that they didn't think to include you in a visit.

There may be a light in the darkness. My relationship with my father was always rough and once he and my mother divorced it went further downhill. He literally abandoned me for a couple of years (0 contact, alleged in the divorce that my being left in his care was "neglect" by my mother). When he did try to reach out, like going to dinner, it was followed by some horrid experience (like his wife calling me a spoiled brat in writing when I was working two jobs to pay bills at age 16), so we slowly stopped even that. I got married, I almost didn't invite him. He came but he made a point of telling me his wife and their child went to a boat festival instead. Ten years passed, he moved away, we kept with the occasional dinner. I was being dutiful, but it took weeks of prep and medication to get me through dinner, my anxiety level was so high.

Then my grandmother, his mother, became critically ill. He caught the first flight in. I was already there. Suddenly, he and I were standing in a hospital discussing power of attorney, care, and stuff. He saw me as a fully responsible adult with knowledge, skill, and purpose. I saw him as a man who cared deeply for his mother. We had something to talk about, a job to do. Despite the fact that he was the child, I was the one who was entrusted with all the Powers of Attorney, medical proxy, and coordinating care. There was logic to it - he was now out of state and I was the family close by. We talked a lot during her illness - his opinion had a lot of weight in decisions regarding his mother. My grandmother said several times before she died that she was glad she was ill because it brought my father and I together. We've tried to keep it up. We talk every couple of weeks on the phone, I've visited his home, he's visited mine. We're trying to set up a visit for this summer.

I still hate the man that I knew as a child. He was distant, abusive, controlling, and perhaps abusing alcohol. Then he abandoned me and, literally, chose someone else's side over his kid. What is strange is that my father is not that man anymore. In 20 years, he grew up. I've had to separate those two people and establish a relationship between us two as adults.

So on one side, the damage is there and there is no effort on any side to fix anything at this point. On the other side, the crisis brought us together with no guilt at all. I have a mom with whom I am close, a Dad that I'm working on growing the relationship with, and I make what I can with my husband and child. I have a couple of close friends. This is the family I choose. Those others who judge me, my choices, my life, my family, and the whole rest of it - I had to give up and declare that I don't need them. (Doesn't stop me from crying as I write this.)

So if you want to visit your grandmother, go ahead. If you don't, you don't have to. As an adult, you can choose.

i feel badly that my grandmother is ill, but still harbor some resentment towards her due to issues during my childhood.......i'll go to the funeral, but honestly have no desire to see her now.

I know how that is. Just because someone is old and sick doesn't make up for the fact that when they were healthy and younger, they were complete twats.

Then they suddenly expect everyone to swarm to their bedside in their last hours.

I never understood that.

There's a lot I still don't understand about people, although they fascinate me, as a species.

i never understood it either........but most people ( family members) seem to be stuck on making you feel guilty for not rushing to the bedside of a dying person.

Well I mean, if the invalid in question showed you nothing but scorn and disdain toward you your whole life (I'm projecting a bit here - I'm in a similar situation with my step-father), why on earth would they WANT you around at the end? If this person thought I was "worthless, lazy, crazy," and whole list of other vile names I won't repeat here, why in the world would they want me at their bedside?

FWIW, he hasn't asked - but for some crazy reason, my mother thinks I should come. Fat chance!

The social convention of rushing to the bedside, the whole trappings of the funeral, etcetera are just that, social conventions. Ignore away. I didn't rush to a particular bedside because all I could think to say was, "You twisted b***h. Even now I can watch you pull the strings on your little puppets. You think you have everyone fooled but I see you for who you are and if I can, then someone else can too. Have a nice time in hell." I decided since I couldn't say anything nice, I should keep my mouth shut. It was a grownup moment for me.

Funny thing, at the funeral in the receiving line as everyone keeps saying these glowing things there was one woman from church. She said, "[The deceased] had perfect posture." I know she saw the sociopath and wasn't fooled. I love that woman and I don't know her name.

If you want some gallows humor, read "Being Dead is No Excuse". It's about Southern funerals and is mighty funny. Plus it has several good recipes for casseroles.

See, this is why I really feel I'm also doing THEM a favor by not being there. Whenever I AM there, I start questioning my own sanity and become physically ill and have panic attacks and always end up in a shouting, sobbing fight with my mother and perhaps another relative. Why would I want to sign up for that again? Why would SHE?? That's what seems craziest of all, to me. Surely she can't ENJOY my presence and does not find me enjoyable to be around, because I am Grown now and will not be her monkey. So why keep asking me to "come home" and pretend we all get along like the bloody Waltons? It's madness. I won't do it.



That's priceless. Wonderful. I intend to attend my step-father's funeral, if only to see whether everyone finally drops the charade and says out loud, "My god, he really was a BASTARD, wasn't he?" It will be like a sociological event, for me. Fascinating stuff.



I have GOT to find that book. I was raised "Southern," and have attended my share of funerals. And I _adore_ "gallows humor."

Small tip regarding Southern "civility": You can say the most horrible things about a person behind their back, as long as you end your sentence with "bless his heart."

I worked with a nurse that constantly said that, "Well bless your little heart". I knew it was an expletive but it was so funny coming out of her mouth.

Ster,

I'm sorry about your Mum.

I need to start loaning out my Mum (Nannarob) - she's a wonderful Mum and I don't know how I'd get by without her!

Helen

I actually stopped calling her my mom a couple of months ago- too confusing for this post, i suppose.......I actually have an aunt that I'm very close to. She has really been more of a mom, and grandmom to our family than my real mom...........At this point in time, I call my real mom my "birth mother" and my aunt is my mom................

I'm so blessed to have my aunt ( mom). she has even helped me through this mess. reassuring me that my "birth mother" is the one who's messed up. That I'm a great mom.