i'm worried i'm blowing it

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so me and my new girlfriend just had our first fight. she's moving and apparently i'm no help in the process. i tend to need direction and if she doesn't give me any i just stand there. she was fumbling with this big thing she was trying to move and i just stood there like an idiot cause she's usually like "oh no i can do it myself". i tend to be very absent-minded plus her neighborhood really sets off my allergies so i either fumble around or i bump into stuff and am not completely careful. she finally just sent me home saying it would be faster if she did it all herself and that i wasn't being considerate of her.

she's probably just stressed out but some of the stuff she brought up has been going on for a while now. like how she has to keep reminding me to lock my side of the car when i get out, or hold a door open for her when she's carrying something. i don't mean to screw up, but in trying not to screw up somehow i manage to screw up more.

she knows i'm a HFA, and she understands i'm not perfect, but she feels like i'm not trying to fix any of the things i'm doing wrong and it's starting to hurt her feelings. i really don't mean to do stuff like this, and i'm not sure what to do. she's the first serious girlfriend i've had in a long time and i don't know how to improve myself for her.

we'll probably get over what happened today but i don't want to keep doing this. any advice to not be so spacey?

in the meantime i'm gonna go out and get some Star Trek DVD's tonight. she loves Star Trek and i'm hoping i can use it as a peace offering.

Last edited by jamesohgoodie on 22 May 2008, 5:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Tell her it will take some time to adjust to the new relationship. Tell her that you are trying, and don't mean to hurt her. If she can't wait, she isn't worth it.

You can start working on remembering to do things like lock your car, holding the door open whenever she is carrying something. Also you can start working on to pay more attention to what is going on around you so that you aren't so absent minded.

Remember that moving house is one of the most stressful things you can do - that's why a lot of workplaces give you a "moving day".

Be tolerant of her stress.

Call her and ask if you can do something simple and repetitive.
For example; wrap all of the crockery in newspaper and pack it in boxes.

That way, you'll be helping but won't be in her way.

Hey your doing ok, make sure you make something good for dinner works for me if I am in the doghouse

i was doing something simple and repetitive! i'm the only male she could get to help her so i'm the official lifter and carrier. i didn't think there were many ways you could cock that up. boy was i wrong.

in any case, i'm counting at least half of this up to moving stress. still, i'm really paranoid, because my last relationship ended a month into it after our first fight. the difference there was my girlfriend at the time didn't even give me a chance to make amends and just left me out in the dust. don't you find a way to get past the first fight at the beginning of the relationship? i'm worried that's going to happen again here, which would be awful cause if possible i like this girl even more.

You can have your girlfriend to ask you to help her when she needs it. Like if she wants you to do something, she can tell you. She can be the boss so that you aren't in her way. If she needs you to lift something, she can tell you to lift it and have her tell you where to put it and when to put it down.

Fights are a normal part of young relationships (and sometimes old ones too).

It's more worrying if you say "we're getting married and we still have never had a fight".

From my experience I have found that if the woman in my life cannot tolerate the way I am... the relatoinship will eventually fail.

My marriage is a good example.
Due to my ADD/HD, I can't "just remember too _______!".
I'm also really poor with time.
So for 17 years my wife put up with my being late to things, forgetting things, until the end of our marriage.

I'm not trying to say this will happen to you.
But what I believe is that if you were to explain all this to her and she were to try and work with you on it... and I don't mean working to change you, but to accept you as best she can... then I think the relationship would last.

But, if the things you do really frustrate her even after you explain it to her, then you two need to discuss your future together.

You need to understand what it is she expects and desires from you... and she needs to understand what you are able to give, and how she can help you to fill her needs as best you can.
What I mean is.. if she needs to be better at explaining to you exactly what she would like you to do during moving, then either she accepts that and works with you on it or she just continuously gets frustrated by you inactions.

It works both ways too. Everything I mention above applies in reverse to each other also.

I have come to believe that it is more about accepting each other and working cooperatively together even if it means accommodating a person's specific needs or unique traits, than it is about changing someone to fit the other's desires.

I do hope you two can work things out no matter where it takes your relationship.

You are who/what you are.
Perhaps there are things you might want to change about yourself, but if there are things you honestly know won't change, then don't spend time trying to.

I now understand my limitations and unique abilities and with future relationships, I am not going to work so hard at molding myself into the person my partner may thing she wants me to be if that end product is not who I really am or could be, or even want to be.

Hope there's something in all that which makes sense and contributes here