Unending Wonderment

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I've been browsing the message boards on this site for almost a year now. Occasionally I'll respond to things, but I've never before posted a whole new topic. I never really had anything to say that hadn't already been said. I regret to say that in this, my very first and likely only thread that I begin myself deals with a matter than is virtually flooding the message boards here and is countlessly answered in the same way. However, I -as all the others no doubt thought- feel I need to ask this question in my own way presenting my own scenario.

I have not been officially diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. I'm almost certain I have it. Not only do I have several of the basic Asperger's symptoms, I also have realized that I exhibit several characteristics of OCD and even a few mild symptoms stemming from schizophrenia. Now, as to OCD and schizophrenia, I merely recognized a few of my behaviors in detailed descriptions of those. But Asperger's, I know that I have it. Ever since I was little I knew I was different. When I was around ten I even asked my mom if I had something wrong with my brain because I just felt in my heart that I had autism. When I was 12, I read an article in TIME Magazine about Asperger's and immediately recognized it in myself. Since then (I am now 15), I have considered myself as having it. However, I've never told anyone. I know how to get diagnosed. Only, I just don't know how to make it happen or indeed if I even want to be diagnosed.

On the one hand, being officially diagnosed with it would mean that I could tell people about it and it would explain why I do somethings so differently. My teachers would be able to see that I'm not just a slacker, that I actually don't understand things. Yet, there are so many people out there who just don't understand what Asperger's entails, or even what Autism really means. If people knew I had it, they would treat me differently, I have no doubt. Then there's the actual fact of telling my parents I want to go to a psychiatrist to get tested. My mom would immediately say that I was just going through a phase and when I persisted she would say how she doesn't believe in labels of the sort. My dad simply wouldn't understand. I can easily see him avoiding me after a positive diagnosis due to fear and misunderstanding. I don't really ever want to tell my parents about my having Asperger's because, like the rest of the world, they wouldn't understand. I've convinced myself to wait until I'm 18 and move out of the house to get diagnosed. However, I also have a fear of getting diagnosed. I've told you about how I think people would react to knowing I have Asperger's. But there's still that tiny little gnawing feeling at the back of my mind that thinks I may not have it. I can feel it in my heart that I do, but what if I don't? Some may say that discovering I don't have Asperger's would be like a freedom, it would mean I'm "normal". But I don't see it that way. If anything it would make me even more in the dark because Asperger's is the one thing that explains why I do the things I do, why I think differently than everyone else, why I have to work really hard to accomplish everyday things when everyone else in the world does them without thinking.


I'm sorry this turned out so long, I've just been wanting to get that off my chest for ages. I hope at least one person responds to console me. I s'pose what I'm really asking is if and how I should approach my parents and if I should get diagnosed.

Thank you for reading (or at least trying to read) my rambles,
LLB

Therblig

I knew I was alway different when I was a child many Years ago. My parents were always supportive. I was diagnosed CP (Cerebral Palsy) when I was very young (diagnosed AS just last year) but I was always treated differently by all the kids on the block so to speak. Even I did not know why I was different but I just knew. When I was a kid I did not know what CP was I did not learn about it fully until I myself was 14 or 15 years old as You are now. I even knew I was even more different not because I have CP but I always knew that there was more to it. AS was not truly really known back when I was Your age but what I have learned in the past year and a half has given me more understanding and able to explain why I am who I am. If You feel that You have AS You might have it. Though with Your family life You may what to get diagnose when You are a adult and not put pressure on Your loving and caring father and mother. If You when You are a adult and find out that You don't have it I really don't have a good answer to that, But If you feel You do then maybe You do. If You do find out that You do when You are a adult then it will answer many of things in Your Life. Your parents may never truly understand so I say You must be patience with them then they might one day gain that understanding that You have not changed because of it (AS). I hope I have given You some insight that You can use for Yourself. So I would just wait a little bit longer then You can make a informed decision ok.

I was diagnosed at the age of 41 years old with Asperger's Syndrome.

Not knowing your parents, it would be hard to say how to tell them. Potentially, a diagnosis could help you out at school. Also, potentially, it could make things more difficult out of school like you mentioned with your dad.

As you mentioned your mom and labels, I was wondering (once again) why people dislike "labels" so often and yet they still use their own names, call a cat a cat, a dog a dog, and so on. These are all labels. Therefore, the difference between "dog" and "Aspergers" must be the frequent negative connotation AS can have in the world at large. But this is all perception. And so if you need the label of AS, which many people do just for confirmation and/or receiving other services they need or could benefit from, then a label has a mostly positive functional purpose.

So my only suggestion is that if you tell your parents, appeal to their practical side and what you, yourself, could gain from diagnosis. Sit them down and have a pow-wow and let them know you are serious and you sincerely want to find out if the diagnosis is accurate so that you can feel more at peace and maybe get help at school and in the future.

Labels can carry with them some negative aspects. But they also often have a functional purpose, just simply because humans need to communicate and the fewer words you can express "dog" in the better. Same for Aspergers.

Hope that helps a little, Therblig.

Ignorance can be a bliss and a curse at the same time. I was twice your age, 24, when I found out about aspergers by chance. June 1, 2004, the day I found out, so far has been the biggest event in my life in more ways than one.

Unlike you, I suffered through my teen years dealing with bullies and other nonsense, myself wondering on and off the whole time where the hell I went wrong in life.

By June 2004, I had resigned myself to being the odd man out in society. I could get along with people and I had managed to curb some of my more annoying tendancies (like rambling on endlessly about one thing, or getting upset at big changes in my routine), I was unable to connect on the same level as everyone else.

That watershed event in my life opened up a whole new perspective for me and how I saw the world. Along with it came the same self-doubt you have. I can assure you that your hunch is probably right. I wanted to seek my offical DX, but had apprehensions of doing it, afraid I would be told I had ADHD, something I was diagnosed with 14 years before I discovered aspergers, and something that I doubted I had by the time I got to junior high school.

In July I finally forced myself to see a psychologist, who did an assesment and confirmed my own suspicions, giving me my aspergers diagnoses.

The only way to rid the self-doubt is to seek out the difinitive answer to question - "Do I have aspergers?"

In all honesty, I only see labeling as a way to better find help for your problem. I'd still mention AS to people and go to this site if I wasn't dx'd. I don't even know if my dx is official or just verbal, but I know it's true. My mom still doesn't understand me, and probably never will. But knowing I have what I have just helps me better understnad that their are certain things I'll never be capable of understanding or doing. All it does is further my self-knowledge. I suspect I have SAD, but a dx would be a waste of time. Would good would it be? Clousure? Maybe. If you're pretty sure you have AS, then you're pretty sure. It's just knowing yourself and what your capable of that matters, a label only helps you discover that. I've failed two foreign languages while in high school (still am), and recently learned that's an issue poeple with ADHD/ADD have. I was dx'd with that at 4 or 5. If I had known that, I would've avoided languages. Knowing what AS can entail simply better helps me with decisions and reminds me what I can and can't do. If you know yourself, why bother with a label? Remeber, even if people know about AS, that doesn't always mean you'll be treated differently. I just use it as a way of explaining myslef to friends I know are smart enough to understand.