Bored neighbour is stealing my time - how do I handle this?

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Ticker
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03 Aug 2008, 3:13 pm

Hi Starr,

Sorry to jump into the conversation so late. But have to say have had the same experience with neighbors and friends who demand too much time. My Aspie dad taught me the right way to deal with the bored, talkative neighborlady... soon as you park the car, grab your shopping bags quickly and run for the door to your home. Have your key ready, don't fumble with your keychain as it wastes valuable seconds. :lol:

Ignoring the knock at the door saves incredible amounts of grief. Another trick is having internet dial-up access as you have a justifiable reason for your phone line always being busy so no pesky people can bother you.

You just have to get past the Aspie obsession of always "doing the right thing" and do what's best for you which is not letting people waste your time. You owe the neighborlady nothing unless you also go to her to discuss your problems. Think of it this way she's probably after you because you're polite and pleasant and she has likely run off all the other neighbors by now.



Harrypalmer
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08 Sep 2008, 11:02 am

Ticker wrote:
Hi Starr, My Aspie dad taught me the right way to deal with the bored, talkative neighborlady... soon as you park the car, grab your shopping bags quickly and run for the door to your home. Have your key ready, don't fumble with your keychain as it wastes valuable seconds. :lol:


Very good advice indeed! I found this thread by accident while searching answers to my neighbour problem. What a comfort to know that I am not alone!

My neighbour is in his late sixties and retired, where as I work seven days a week. My leisure time therefore, is extremely valuable to me. Trouble is, this happy idiot of a neighbour tries to engage me in conversation at every opportunity, to the extent that I avoid my back garden if he's about. How I curse at being unable to enjoy my garden in peace. He talks to me when I paint the house, when I'm on a ladder and when I am maintaining my car despite the fact that I clearly do not want his unsolicited advice. The silly old twit even regulary mentions a member of my family who's in prison, the subject seems to fascinate him. How rude is that? This man has no sense of boundary whatsoever and is oblivious to my visible displeasure.

Some may say that he is just lonely, the trouble is, I am unable to tell if he is innocently unaware of any wrongdoing or just being manipulative. Is it coincidence that he pesters me with his silly questions when I'm busy? I live alone and have no desire for prolonged interaction with neighbours, a polite "Hello" or "Good Morning" is sufficient in my book!

I really should be blunt with him but I seem trapped by my own politeness. This cannot continue as I am getting more and more wound up by the situation.



Starr
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09 Sep 2008, 4:10 am

Hi Ticker! Sorry, I missed your reply. Not here much at the mo. Your dad sounds brilliant! I think all Aspies should have neighbour-avoidance lessons :lol:

Welcome to WP Harrypalmer. Harry Palmer as in the Ipcress File? Does your neighbour say 'listen to me, now listen to me'? hehe.

No, it's not funny being pestered by neighbours. I think it's

Quote:
This man has no sense of boundary whatsoever and is oblivious to my visible displeasure.

that is so annoying with them. My neighbour is the same in that she doesn't pick up 'go away' signals that I'd spot straight away. And they say Aspies can't read social cues :roll: ...some of these nuisance neighbours have skin as thick as a rhinoceros!
Even if he is lonely it still doesn't make it any easier to put up with constant interruptions, especially as you have so little free time to spare. How about having a quick chat with him, then saying 'I must get on now' and then ignore him if he starts talking again? Or get an MP3 player with headphones so you have an excuse to not hear him.

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I really should be blunt with him but I seem trapped by my own politeness. This cannot continue as I am getting more and more wound up by the situation.


As Ticker says:-

Quote:
You just have to get past the Aspie obsession of always "doing the right thing" and do what's best for you which is not letting people waste your time.


So true. I think you have to toughen up with him as I did with mine. Actually my neighbour has stopped speaking to me now, because I had to give her the cold shoulder eventually. I did the gentle hints, then had to resort to not answering the phone or the doorbell...I felt bad about it of course, because as you put it, I was 'trapped by my own politeness' but I'd reached breaking point and I felt that she was playing mind games in the end, seeing how far she could push me. Not everyone respects others' boundaries, unfortunately. Anyway, it was worth it because my time is now my own. :cheers: Good luck with yours.



Harrypalmer
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09 Sep 2008, 12:11 pm

I will certainly take on board your advice. This neighbour of mine is certainly no ordinary curtain twitcher. His silly questions such as "what are you doing?" are bad enough as his his running commentary. "I heard you leave for work at 5.25 this morning". His obsession with my relative doing time in prison is the most annoying though, how dare he dig up the past!

Quote:
How about having a quick chat with him, then saying 'I must get on now' and then ignore him if he starts talking again? Or get an MP3 player with headphones so you have an excuse to not hear him.

I was once wearing ear defenders and using a power sander. Yes, you guessed it, he still tried to talk to me! :lol:


The previous owner of my house had similar problems and eventually found an excuse to fall out with him. I will probably claim back my life by sticking firmly to whatever activity I'm doing outside the house. Hard work is important to me and add up all those "idle gossip" minutes and you would be surprised how many hours that is over a year. That is stealing.



slowmutant
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25 Sep 2008, 7:34 am

You should do what Homer Simpson does with Flanders. :D



ScottF
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25 Sep 2008, 8:13 am

I would just tell her, I really don't appreciate these constant unannounced visits, please stop.


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28 Sep 2008, 3:28 am

Car in garage, go intop yourbasement, get a big dog.



ManErg
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28 Sep 2008, 5:07 pm

Starr wrote:
My neighbour is the same in that she doesn't pick up 'go away' signals that I'd spot straight away. And they say Aspies can't read social cues :roll: ...some of these nuisance neighbours have skin as thick as a rhinoceros!


Yup. As I said, I'm sure they have their own serious psychological problem. Only it hasn't been given a label yet.

I think these people are zombies with no independant internal functioning at all. They only operate by reflecting off other members of the herd. Which probably gets them by until they encounter someone who isn't a member of the herd.


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sunshower
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29 Sep 2008, 12:24 am

Wow, this is the first time I've heard someone else mention teh "always doing the right thing" obsession. That stupid obsession pretty much rules my life. And I know what you mean about people who won't leave you alone - I never have the heart to tell friends I can't see them when I really need time to myself. I often end up giving away my time to people I don't even enjoy spending time with because I feel too bad to tell them I don't really want to see them. People are manipulative too and they can generally figure out pretty quick how to use your aspieness against you.

My advice: I think you've got to make a choice. Either put up with it, or be honest and tell her that she's invading your personal space (in as nice a way as possible), and although it might make things unpleasant for a while, you'll probably be happier in the long run. Then again, if you're like me that sort of advice is easy to say, and hard to do :).


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Eggman
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30 Sep 2008, 2:33 am

Pretend to be involved with something naighboor finds distasteful on one of their callings, send them running. That will teach them to come unannoced



PunkyKat
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01 Oct 2008, 11:44 am

Ignore her or don't le her into your house. Tell her you don't want to see her anymore.



0_equals_true
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01 Oct 2008, 12:03 pm

being antisocial is a specialty.

How hard have you tried to alienate? She is interested in conversation if you do not provide any feedback in conversation she will quickly loose interest. Don't even mummble a reply.