i can't make my husband happy
Joined: 1 Oct 2007
Ever heard the phrase "Treat 'em mean and keep 'em keen"?
Or how about the social game of "I push, you pull"?
In plainer speech, if you try to push your husband away it will likely have the opposite effect. Conversely, trying to please him all the time just makes you difficult to respect.
So buy yourself something nice, don't make dinner, go out with your friends (leave the kids with a sitter if your husband can't be trusted), and basically be as selfish as possible. It might sound crazy, but it will work much better than bowing and scraping and walking on eggshells.
And even if it doesn't get his attention, it will certainly cheer you up.
Oh, here's another phrase:
"The dog that bites the hand that feeds it will often lick the boot that kicks it."
Joined: 1 Dec 2007
While I don't necessarily agree with the motives, or that it will have the effect described, I do think that treating yourself to a 'woman's day out,' with a hired sitter, etc. is a really good idea. Do what you would enjoy doing if you had no responsibilities. He isn't the only one who's been working hard.
Joined: 8 Feb 2012
I am sorry to hear everything that you are going through right now. You are in a very tough situation, as I was in your shoes less than 10 years ago. I kept telling myself that my ex-husband was working long hours to pay bills. We had four children, and he thought that I was stuck just like you are. I went out and got me a good job, and then got a teenager to babysit since they don't charge as much and do just as good a job as anyone else. Anyway after I got my job, I started saving my money and when I had enough that I knew that I would be able to support myself and my kids, I told him to hit the road. I found out that he wasn't working long hours at work, but at the bars and with other women. I know that this is a a lot of information to take in, but you need to stop thinking about making him happy all the time and think about making you and your boy happy. I also stated "I will never marry or date again", boy was I wrong. I am now married again for 2 happy years. Don't let him get you down, if you have to take time for yourself. Toward the end I would even go out by myself and meet new friends. I didn't tell them about my married life, when they would ask about my husband I would just say all he is working late and this is my time to myself. I was not a heavy drinker, but I always enjoyed setting back and watching other people make fulls of themselves. So what I would suggest is you taking some time for yourself and stop catering to his beck and call. Show him that you don't need him as much as he thinks you do. Who knows maybe he will smarten up when it comes to family issues. My ex-husband is now my best friend and he understands why it didn't work for us. We got together when I was 15 and divorced when I was 30. Sometimes when he is having trouble with a girlfriend he will call me and ask my point of view. Like I said before though hunny you need to take care of you and your kids before you take care of his attitude problems.
Joined: 28 Sep 2011
Location: PA, USA
I don't know all the particulars of your situation.
I don't know if he's cheating, abusing you, or just acting like a dickhead because he's stressed out. People do all of those things. A bunch of Aspies on the Internet trying to distinguish which one-- it's kind of hilarious, in a strange sort of way.
I DO know that you're trying to do the Titus 2:3-5 schtick. Lemme tell you something, honey: Drop it. Stop reading Christian marriage advice on the Internet, 'cause the vast majority of Internet preachers wouldn't know Jesus if He walked up and washed their feet. Read your Bible-- the Book of Titus has a lot to say about how PEOPLE are supposed to treat EACH OTHER, and he ain't keeping up his end of the deal. The Bible also has a lot of other stuff to say about a good Christian wife-- and it's not all about sucking your husband's dick. You have to be a person.
Drop it. I did it for YEARS. You know what it got me?? Completely out of touch with my husband, miserably depressed, in a deteriorating mutually abusive relationship. It had been good for years, then started to sour. So I made the decision to go to Titus 2-- and by the end of three years of Titus 2:3-5, we couldn't do anything togeather without a fight. I was afraid of him getting upset or being unhappy for any reason. I was on edge over my own actions and over the condition of everything in our lives and the I'd fall apart over the smallest comment or even a hint of displeasure from my husband. It was no picnic for him either. He was walking on eggshells the whole time afraide to say anything that would make me fall apart. He couldn't vent about work or anything in his life without it turning into a fight. We were terrified of each other. We woul avoid talking to each other about anything that we had feelings about unitll we would snap and have a hugh fight over anything. Me not getting the dishes done, Him running an hour late coming from work or forgetting to bring home milk from the store. Anything
would set us off.
We were living in the Bible Belt at the time. I asked for help. You know, to work on my communication skills so I could talk to him. The friggin' SHRINKS told me it was my fault for not being obedient enough-- giving lip service to submission but having a rebellious heart-- and that people with AS just simply are not capable of fulfilling another's relationship needs, so I should be grateful that he kept me at all.
I finally got fed up. Decided I was either going to find another way, get a divorce, or commit suicide-- and I didn't want a divorce. I was pretty sure I'd lose the kids because of AS. I couldn't die right then, because I was pregnant with our second daughter. So we started finding another way.
It's taken years. We still fight sometimes. But we're much happier than we used to be by doing by just being us and not what we thought the other wants us to be.
Professionals will try to tell you that you're less because of AS. That you have to expect less, settle for less, that you have less to give, are worth less. DON'T BUY THAT s**t, HONEY.
If you can't be yourself with your spouse, it's not a marriage.
"Alas, our dried voices when we whisper together are quiet and meaningless, as wind in dry grass, or rats' feet over broken glass in our dry cellar." --TS Eliot, "The Hollow Men"
Last edited by BuyerBeware on 12 Feb 2012, 2:22 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Joined: 25 Dec 2011
Location: Dallas-Fort Worth
Joined: 28 Sep 2011
Location: PA, USA
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