I'm really getting worried about our baby...

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Jennyfoo
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27 Aug 2008, 4:15 am

I shared some of the problems we were having with his adoption and his bhavior earlier this year, but I'll do a quick recap. He's foster-adopt. We got him at 6 weeks old. There's suspicion of neglect on the prior foster home(not being held much, left in a swing all day). We were told by the prior f-parents that he LOVED to swing. We bought a swing a few days after we brought him home and he'd scream bloody murder if I tried to put him in it. He wanted to be held ALL THE TIME. He was adjusting well, seemed to have formed a good attachment with me and my hubby, but we had 2 2-hour visits with birthmom to take him to every week. When he was very little, it was not a big deal. As he got older, he began to withdraw and regress after the visits. He just wanted to be held 24 hours a day. He would not sleep unless I was holding him. If I put him down in his crib, he's startle awake after a few minutes and have a horrible, panicky cry. He slept very lightly. He was VERY anxious. This behavior lasted about 2 days after each visit, then he'd come out of it and resume his normal, happy, playful and secure behavior. We charted his behavior and got visitation reduced to once ever other week for Jordan's sake. It took awhile for the county SW to trust what we were saying. All that while, Jordan regressed. He wouldn't roll over any more, he barely moved, he became withdrawn. During the supervised visits, the social workers documented that he was withdrawn, would not make eye contact with his birth-mom, and he rarely smiled or made noises. when we'd come pick him up, he'd smile again and start to coo and babble again.

B-mom ended up in jail and all visitation ceased. He was 5 months old at that time. The social workers were worried about developmental delays back then and put in a referral for a developmental assessment and we consulted with our local Regional Center. Within 2 weeks of uninterrupted time with us, he just took off devlopmentally. By 6 months old he was sitting on his own, scooting all over the place, rolling everywhere. By 7 months he standing up and cruising around the furniture. He was crawling like a pro too. No worry of developmental delays after that burst.

Jordan is an adorable baby. He is happy, squeals and giggles freely, plays contentedly with his brother and sisters and even on his own with his toys for short periods of time. He sleeps wonderfully and to the outsider, he would seem like an ideal, perfect baby. He is an ideal perfect baby 90% of the time. But we are trapped. In order to maintain his being happy and delightful and wonderful, we have to strictly maintain his routines. His schedule can vary a little, but his routine MUST NOT! He will ONLY drink his bottle in the recliner in the living room. When I was flat on my back, recovering from back surgery, we figured this out. He would not even think of lying in bed with me and letting me feed him in my bed. NO WAY! He would scream and fuss and someone would have to take him to the chair to feed him. Then he was just fine. We can't go to restaurants. He screams and fusses the entire time we are there. He will not eat his food. He'll eat anything in his highchair at home though.

His routine is so fine-tuned that a few weeks before my surgery I found out why he was not going down easy to bed for my hubby. He'd always stand back up in the crib and scream and i'd usually go in and put him back down- and he'd be fine. Well, one time I went in after hubby had put him back down 2-3 times and he was still laying down and screaming. I figured out the problem right then and there. Hubby was putting him in his crib "backwards". I always put him to bed with his head toward the window and feet toward the door. Jordan didn't like it when hubby put him in with his head to the door and feet toward the window. Once I told Andy what the problem was and he started putting him in bed the "right" way, he had no problems.

We got a "fun" reminder today of Jordan's need for his routine. I had a post-op follow-up appt with my surgeon. My appt, was a little before Jordan's nap time. I also had labs to do at the same building, so after my appt I went to do labs. Jordan was tired. We knew that. hubby took him out in the courtyard of the building and walked around carrying him, trying to get him to go to sleep. No dice. Jordan screamed and cried the entire 1/2 hour I was at the lab. Hubby even went to the car and tried driving around the parking lot. Nope, didn't work. I got back to the car and he was screaming inconsolably, choking on his own drool from crying so much, flailing his arms around and kicking his legs. I made him a bottle and attempted to feed him in the car on the ride home. Nope- he wanted nothing to do with the bottle. It had been 3 hours since he last ate, so i knew he was hungry. We finally got home and he immediately calmed down the minute hubby brought him in the house. he changed his diaper and then brought him to me in the recliner in the living room(I can't lift him yet). I fed him his bottle, Hubby took him to bed and put him down, and he went right to sleep. No problem.

Sorry this post is so long. I applaud you if you made it this far. Has anyone known a baby to be so unbelievably inflexable with their routines? The county social worker herself is worried about Autism and mentioned it after we shared what we've figured out last week with her. He is social with people. He will warm up to and let women and girls play with him after assessing the situation with his parnts around, but he is very guarded and quiet: observing everything. He is much more wary of men though. When in an unfamiliar environment he is very quiet and observant. He has always startled at loud noises and will even get scared and cry if one of his sisters starts yelling or crying- Alaura's melt-downs REALLY scare him. Thank goodness they are few and far between these days. There's a lot of signs and symptoms of ASD that we see in him. Hubby insists I'm "projecting" due to Allaura being autistic and myself too, but he also sees these behaviors and it worries him too. He's even mentioned being worried about possibly taking in Jordan's younger sibling(b-mom is pregnant) because we don't know what the future holds for Jordan and he may be a high-needs child.

I know he is too young to really be concerned about this possibly being related to an ASD, but there are so many signs. If he is still doing this at 2-3 years old, there would be serious cause for alarm. I guess we'll just have to keep watch and see how he progresses, Perhaps he will grow out of his need for strict routines. Perhaps not. Time will tell. I just worry about him so much.



tomamil
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27 Aug 2008, 4:35 am

i was told i was very routine oriented and therefore problematic child, constantly crying. i turned out fine :) well, i didnt talk and walk till 3 y/o, and my childhood wasn't easy, but as adult i am okay...

edit: my parents weren't so understanding as you seem to be. my father thought he can fix it forcing me to do otherwise.


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ster
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27 Aug 2008, 5:21 am

has anyone considered PTSD?



Justthatgirl11
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27 Aug 2008, 12:33 pm

PTSD would definitely be a concern and something to explore. I wouldn't discount an ASD, though. Maybe keep it in mind on the back burner.

I hope the best for Jordan & his sibling that's not born yet. How sad. :(


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mysterious_misfit
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27 Aug 2008, 8:30 pm

You should try to get him into early intervention right away. The earlier therapy starts, the more beneficial it can be. And better safe than sorry, if in a few years he doesn't show signs of autism, then good. No harm done from therapy (which should be fun anyway), and maybe that's what helped him. Sensory therapies are really important. Many kids have sensory issues without autism.



Jennyfoo
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28 Aug 2008, 2:11 am

mysterious_misfit wrote:
You should try to get him into early intervention right away. The earlier therapy starts, the more beneficial it can be. And better safe than sorry, if in a few years he doesn't show signs of autism, then good. No harm done from therapy (which should be fun anyway), and maybe that's what helped him. Sensory therapies are really important. Many kids have sensory issues without autism.


To be eligible for Early Intervention programs, he has to have a diagnosis of developmental delays. He passed his developmental assessment at the UC Davis MIND Institute with flying colors. He tested at age-level in many areas and 5 months advanced for gross motor. Fine motor was at age level though. My hubby told the Dr. about his problems with routine, etc and she was not concerned. I could not go to to the appt because it was only a week after my back surgery. All I can do is keep a VERY close eye on him and if e notice he's falling behind in verbal development or any other areas, we'll get him in to Regional Center ASAP.



Jennyfoo
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28 Aug 2008, 2:16 am

The symptoms he displays are not indicative of PTSD. PTSD would be further withdrawl, anxiety, things like that. He does not exhibit any anxiety or anything like that.

It may be he's just got a rigid need for routine. While I've never known a baby to be rigid to the extreme that he is, some babies just need that consistency and are not adaptable. WE just have to watch and wait and see what develops.



Jennyfoo
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28 Aug 2008, 2:18 am

Drakilor wrote:
Get rid of that nurturing instinct of yours. It's making you think wrong.


Ya, that darn nurturing instinct can be problematic sometimes. We've ended up with too many pets and house full of kids due to that instinct. However, I don't think it makes me think wrong. It makes me pay very close attention to the needs of m children, it allows me to make decisions that will better their situations, their education, etc. I'd certainly have a lot less stress if it weren't for that nurturing instinct though. LOL!



Justthatgirl11
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28 Aug 2008, 6:29 am

Jennyfoo wrote:
The symptoms he displays are not indicative of PTSD. PTSD would be further withdrawl, anxiety, things like that. He does not exhibit any anxiety or anything like that.


But you said he does get anxious and he withdraws after seeing his birth mother and he does get anxious if his routine is messed up or if his feet are the wrong way in bed.

Quote:
It may be he's just got a rigid need for routine. While I've never known a baby to be rigid to the extreme that he is, some babies just need that consistency and are not adaptable. WE just have to watch and wait and see what develops.


He IS your son and you know him best, but I was looking at the issues coming up after the forced visits with her. (I know not forced on your part, please don't take offense to that.)

The other stuff DOES seem pretty unusual for a baby only because of the severity of his need for structure. Of all my 3 kids, even my aspie wasn't quite that insistent on sameness as an infant.


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Justthatgirl11
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28 Aug 2008, 6:32 am

Jennyfoo wrote:
Drakilor wrote:
Get rid of that nurturing instinct of yours. It's making you think wrong.


Ya, that darn nurturing instinct can be problematic sometimes. We've ended up with too many pets and house full of kids due to that instinct. However, I don't think it makes me think wrong. It makes me pay very close attention to the needs of m children, it allows me to make decisions that will better their situations, their education, etc. I'd certainly have a lot less stress if it weren't for that nurturing instinct though. LOL!


LOL So true!


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DW_a_mom
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28 Aug 2008, 12:22 pm

I have known NT babies that were very set on routine ... I think this varies a lot. I believe your baby is in the stranger anxiety age, so it is possible that this is one of his ways of responding to it. I honestly don't think there is much point in worrying. It will either mean something or it won't; it will either change on it's own or it won't. I remember so many things we tried to force with my son, that worried us, and the wierd thing is is that I don't think our efforts made any difference. He just is who he is, and he moves beyond certain things when he decides to. And move beyond he does. His needs are almost always met, he feels secure, and he is growing up and maturing. Honestly, that is really the most important thing we give: security.

Just, knowing how much he clings to favored routines, be careful not to try anything you aren't willing to stick with :)


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Silverfall
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31 Aug 2008, 8:04 pm

I'm new to WP, but my little girl (now 6) was similar, but not quite so rigid. She hit all of her milestones, up until about 18 months when her language didn't spurt like it should. She was a routine kid. She would cry in the car, hysterically, every so often when she was one. It took me a while to figure out that she would cry when I took a new way home or a different way to go to the store.

We didn't have eye contact issues and she was very social with familiar people, but definately anxious around strangers. She was dx as PDD-NOS at 3 1/2. I'd watch it, and if the baby's language isn't developing like it should then I would look at services early on. It really is just too early to tell.

If you are worried about it, I would start using sign language with your child. If I could go back in time, I would have starting signing from the get go.



Adrenaline
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31 Aug 2008, 8:41 pm

Its PTSD.
I know its hard for you to see the world through such little eyes, to understand..
He is scared, scared of change because of prior attachment issues with the b-mother.
he is angry with her because he does not understand the whys.
he feels hated and rejected by her because he does not understand why.
and he is angry and scared because of this.
he is afraid of even more rejection and change.
he does not understand why she does not come to see him.

If he is to spend any time with the b-mother he will need a few days at a time with her not just a couple hours a week or less.
or for her to come and see him 3 or 4 times a week for an hour or more at a time, much one on one bonding time.
a couple hours a week or less most likely is just a reminder of the rejection feelings and the confusion, he is angry with her
because he feels rejected by her, then is upset afterword because of wanting her acceptance but not understand why the rejection.
he knows who mommy is, who birthed him.

Any change scares him. any change at all. he is afraid. he needs that security.
baby's and young children do remember things, even though they can not or do not voice it.



Jennyfoo
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03 Sep 2008, 3:30 pm

Adrenaline wrote:
Its PTSD.
I know its hard for you to see the world through such little eyes, to understand..
He is scared, scared of change because of prior attachment issues with the b-mother.
he is angry with her because he does not understand the whys.
he feels hated and rejected by her because he does not understand why.
and he is angry and scared because of this.
he is afraid of even more rejection and change.
he does not understand why she does not come to see him.

If he is to spend any time with the b-mother he will need a few days at a time with her not just a couple hours a week or less.
or for her to come and see him 3 or 4 times a week for an hour or more at a time, much one on one bonding time.
a couple hours a week or less most likely is just a reminder of the rejection feelings and the confusion, he is angry with her
because he feels rejected by her, then is upset afterword because of wanting her acceptance but not understand why the rejection.
he knows who mommy is, who birthed him.

Any change scares him. any change at all. he is afraid. he needs that security.
baby's and young children do remember things, even though they can not or do not voice it.


Um, nope. He was removed from her custody in the Hospital, immediately after birth. He does not know his "mommy" who birthed him. He knows us, his adoptive mama and dada. His visitatino ceased at 5 months old. His visitation with her was not enough for him to tell her from a stranger. He reacted the same way to being left with anyone- so we did not leave him with anyone except his b-mom due to court-mandated visitation. He may have had attachment problems due to his first foster home where it is suspected that he was neglected. He spent the first 6 weeks of life there. Those first weeks are very imporant to the bonding and attachment process. If he was not able to bond and attach to his previous foster mother due to his emotional needs not being met, then he could still be having some issues despite a VERY strong attachment to me, my hubby, and our older children. His needs have always been met, both physical and emotional from the time we brought him home with us. When he was separated from us, he would have anxiety and then be screwed up from it for 2 days after. He needed routine and stability to form a proper attachment to us so that he could know that we would always be there for him and not panic at separation.

Our social worker had another family with a baby girl that she worked with last year. That baby girl had very similar reactions to having her routine and environment screwed up. She was also born exposed to Meth. His doctor has suggested that Jordan's issues could be from the drugs. Methamphetamines screw up the dopamine receptors often resulting in sensory problems, and symptoms like Autism. Both my older adopted children have sensory issues and are in Occupational Therapy through the school now.

We signed court docs last Friday and they were filed with the court yesterday. We will have a finalization date(where we go in front of the judge and she makes the adoption official and signs the paperwork) within a week for 2-3 weeks out.



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03 Sep 2008, 4:12 pm

I remember reading online somewhere that some doctors or psychologists (I can't remember) have come up with 80% reliable testing for children as young as 14 months old. So perhaps you don't have to wait that long to find out. Try to reseach it online but in any case, start early intervention with PartC as soon as possible. Since the child already has a social worker to help you set it up. Good luck!