hurt

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sigh. So I am in the process of getting a divorce. It has been a long process and it feels like it should have been final forever ago.

I met an awesome guy online who has depression and thinks he may have AS too. We really seem to mesh well. He was going to visit me here in CA (he's from the east coast) then decided he just wanted to move here cause he always wanted to move back to CA. I am going along with everything including taking on an apartment I cannot afford, etc. for him because I really love him. He gets here and I feel like we got along great (he didn't disagree), but he freaks out because of homesickness. Says he wants to get back to his family who he wanted to get away from, his doctor (which I understand the attachment) and not quite over his ex wife which I also understand and could have helped him with. He doesn't give things a chance. Decides within 24 hours that he must get home. Many tears later I buy his bus ticket for him because he has no money at this point and he goes back home. He said he cannot wait to live with me, wants to be with me forever and when we are together minus mentioning he doesn't love like others do (which neither do I) he still is professing his love for me. Just in tears and saying he needs to get back.

Considering having depression (oh, and a personality disorder I should read about) and I really think AS worse than I have (or better), what do you think could happen down the line? Can he stabilize? If I can work out with my ex and my daughter a way for me to move there could it work once he is in a better place? even though I am so hurt and have been pushed to a point that with my own depression I will be seeking meds to stabilize, I don't want to give up hope on him. He really is an awesome person. I really do think things were bigger than he thought they were. Does it make sense that he just bailed or should he have given things a chance first? Am I being a blind Aspie in expecting something to go well in the future?

I wouldn't move to Maryland or comodate him moving back without feeling like he won't do this sort of thing again. There must be evidence of improvement in his health and well being as well as things like him having a job set up and actively doing looking for a place to live--not all of it on me.

I am sad and lonely. I am supposed to be sleeping in his arms again and really, really miss him. His bus rolls in to Maryland soon and I am on my ex's couch because I cannot handle sleeping at the apartment that I am trying to skip out on and will need to move back into my old room at my friend's. Depressing--that and the economy is throwing me bad hours at work and all I can think is maybe I'll get a chance to move to a place with a healithier economy. Sigh and then I am having anxiety and my meds for that are at the apartment.

Am I going to be alone again if this guy is still interested in trying the together thing again? Was his actions justifiable? I will read any/all thoughts and make up my own mind, but I need something to soothe me until he is home and hopefully calls.

Not a good idea to make too many changes too fast. Take your time and don’t burn your bridges behind you.

Thanks for the reply. I am not burning any bridges. If you are referring to the apartment, I cannot afford it so I don't see the point of me living there. Honestly I am more worried about if he burned any bridges.

yes, I think you will end up alone again if you keep trying to make this fantasy a reality.

Make a pro and con list. Make a history timeline of this relationship. Get it down on paper so you can look at what actually happened instead of what you want to have happened.

You're worth more than being some messed-up guy's puppet. The worst part is when we try to take someone else hostage and force them to live in our dream of how it should be.

Life isn't that scary, we don't need to create an alternative.

Ann

I have almost zero experience in relationships, but I know what it feels like to be sad and lonely. It really sucks to feel that way, and especially in your situation. I hope you get to feeling better and that you can be back in his arms soon. And if it is not meant to be, I hope you don't have to feel this hurt and can move on successfully. Good luck.

Hey lotus,

I'm reading an interesting book right now about loneliness which I thought of after reading your post. One of the things it talks about is how loneliness impairs a person's ability to self-regulate their feelings and how it impairs one's executive control. in other words loneliness can negatively affect the decisions and judgments that someone makes that they might otherwise not make. Do you think you would have done the same things you have if you weren't lonely? It seems this is a very unbalanced relationship -- you've put up a lot for this guy and what has he put up or risked for you? I think you need to take a step back and look at it from a distance, get a wider perspective on what's going on.

Thanks Suebear. Perhaps I should have mentioned that he chose to ride his motorcycle here and lost it in Nevada. Then he hitch hiked/walked most of the the rest of the way here with a bus ride. He had his life shipped here in boxes that I must now send back. He put a lot into it too.

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publicat ... rder.shtml

well, at least I am understanding more why things happened the way they did. sigh.

Wow, that's some heavy stuff, lotus. I wish to apologize for coming across so harsh in my first post. Please forgive me, I'm terribly sorry for adding to your pain at this time.

As far as BPD, I think knowledge is power, and understanding will give you a perspective that will decrease the anxiety and sadness. I got that diagnosis initially I think, then they went another way, but for myself, yes the emotions can be overwhelming and it helps to know that they're not really what needs to decide what I do with my life -- I can make a rational judgment based on something else besides my current dismay.

Again, I'm sorry for what I said before. There was no need for me to spout out some superior nonsense.

Ann

Thanks, Ann. I appreciate that.

Unfortunately I should have read more first and done things a little different. I am still waiting to see if he is even going to communicate with me at all now. I wish he could see the good in himself but I suppose that is part of him he still needs time to get.

He e-mailed me. Looks like this will be a work in progress. This has been such a hard week!

Jenn

I think that's something that lotus's bf should hear... Too many people, both AS and NT, make decisions too fast without considering the long-term consequences...