For those of you alone this time of year I will be thinking of - 2009 is on its way
2009 Message – I wish for understanding, acceptance and to be allowed
Special, gifted, disorder or see as I do, I have asperegers! While there is a need for different kinds of education the word special needs to me gives the wrong impression, with all my differences I am no more special than anyone else or more gifted. All children are special to me and all are gifted in some way, ASD children may have some strengths, but equally you could say as we live in a world where we are often so misunderstood and at times this gives us a huge disadvantage and in some instances many weaknesses.
It frightens me to think that still so many children are having to take that pathway of chaos, confusion and conformity..... the amount of none aspie parents who ask for me a list! I want to say your children are not animals to be trained, but know the ignorance is often not there thought alone, but huge inconsistency of awareness around the world, any parents can look at list or information, on or off the autism spectrum... but to really understand a child that is different, get to know them on their level.... as no 2 individuals are the same on the spectrum... my son and I have such a great relationship both on the autism spectrum maybe that helps.... but if I was to read and take a lot of the list of what I should and should not do and apply, feel I would lose my close bond I now have with my son .
Time and time again I see children and parents at odds with each other, the frustration and anger like two trains going in opposite directions.......often the communication none existence, each believing in their way of course neither is entirely wrong and the only way forward I feel is to really listen, hear and understand and compromise, as control and enforced conformity to me has only cause pain, over many years I have not changed, yes I now know how to play the part to fit in and keep others happy, but in the process have lost myself, endured much pain and still at times feel alienated to a world I was also born to live in....
So please embrace your child's differences, get down to their level and try and understand, no list will change an individual as its always someone else’s point of view.... listen, compromise and work together and then maybe the world will start to be a better place for us all. Truly see through their eyes because as much as we listen we learn, as much as we give we receive.
Differently minded children, need different education not special and if gift means misunderstood difference then maybe. To me everyone has strengths and weaknesses and every child is a gift. ASD “disorder” why is a difference a disorder, I feel too many unnecessary labels to explain what others do not understand. We can disguise who we are, we may be differently minded, but no label will ever change who we are “special, gifted, disorder” irrelevant to me, I may be different from you but does that give you a right to label me as you please, would I do that to you…
I have Aspergers and while it intrigues me our complexities and extremities, my anxiety comes from my own complexities, my personality being blurred edges of reality, as diagnosed late in life what part is aspie and what part enforced NT. As in Oscar Levant quote: “There is a thin line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.” Our complexities of mind, our obsessive tendencies push the boundaries - disorders such as OCD, bipolar maybe they are just extremities of difference. Labels we are given by professionals trying to figure us out, and then feel a need to want to change, conform us to fit into their world - but we will never fit into neat stereo type boxes!. This is not meant as a statement, just a process of thought, just an idea to get others thinking differently, should we in fact label every difference? or allow for more extremities in this world, we cannot explain everything - autism, the universe and never will.
The way I see it: Apart from being on the autism spectrum I have many co morbid / associated conditions… in fact a whole list, not sure anyone has it right, including myself. Often our labels can get over complicated… and near impossible to know which bit is which, with many overlaps, but any label does not change who we are. I have my own simplified version - The center as I see it, is us - the Autism heart, differently minded part… which to an extent feel many NTs just do not quite get or understand. So often the most important thing the centre, gets neglected, so it’s no wonder we are often a little off balance.
Surrounding the center are a web with many chaotic paths, often disjointed and ineffective, as these neuro associated conditions, co morbid mental disorders (or misunderstood difference), environmental factors are all blamed and continue to circle around the most important part of us. I feel its time other started with the centre - the Autism Heart, forget the labels. Because if our hearts were balanced and allowed, as I see it. A lot of these existing links in the web, may start to fade… I feel many of the labels are often caused by others misinterpretation, dealing with small aspects of the whole person, often neglecting or not understanding our centers from when we are born.
Screammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm until no more! I can totally understand the painting “The Scream by Edvard Munchu” great painting, but feel you have to know to appreciate. As at times I feel unable to be me in the presence of others, even those closest to me. I feel not in control or responsible for my detached expression of thought, as the effects of misunderstand thought from others can be exhausting at times. I withdraw inside at times a urgent need for my own space just to be… go away, leave me alone as I cannot always live in the shadow of being you. Visits at times seem like an intrusion, unwelcome invasion, my words of thoughts at these times can seem confusing, odd to those that expect the norm!
To many that feel they know me, even well, see me as a person able to face anything, not true. The aspieness how ever hard I try at times stops me from expressing myself in a way those closest to me understand, the emotion void I face at times leaves me in an empty space. To express as you want leaves me cold, to express as I need you feel rejected, so I am trapped in middle ground. There are no answers, it takes a huge effort on both parts and not easy for any involved. So at times I retreat into the world that surrounds us all, which always brings me a sense of peace.
My feelings and thoughts are there and often cause me great anxiety when unable to face up to my real emotions as you may wish, myself at times saturated in guilt, that never goes. I try not to think too much at times as my over analytic mind continually worrying, the perfectionists in me wanting what’s wrong to be right. Sometimes I want to stop thinking find anything to take my mind of some of my inner turmoil, mine alone as very few truly understand. It would be all too easy to be resentful, be angry so I write, I express my thoughts.
I do feel that those of us on the autism spectrum, one of the biggest problems we face, others not finding our differences acceptable and then feeling a need to get us to speak to a so called professional to help us conform. I agree some people do need extra help, but like the one I saw when diagnosed who was still trying to figure out what it was like having aspergers and the real problem as I see it, professionals not on the autism spectrum treating us like NTs and we are not... not there thought of curse, not enough good specialists or enough still really known by all. Quote from email sen to met: " Autism is a physiological diversity of brain function [E,G: Bill Gates, Edison, Newton and Winston Churchill. To force mind altering drugs to treat a physiological difference, not an aberration of cognitive function is medical malpractice.According to international reports malpractice causing death is not unknown to this branch of medicine."
I tend to agree my mother like many, years ago was wrongly diagnosed, treated and feel caused more harm, she was never happy, fitted or understood herself, drug after drug and just became more depressed, that's why I choose not to medicate or see anyone, but truthfully the thing that has and continues to help me is having other like minded people to understand, and allow myself my differences.... Our misunderstood difference is often our own invisible prison. When I am most overloaded and need space the last thing I need is other people, but many do not get if I am not happy or fit on there terms, I need to be fixed... it has taken me many years of confusion and suffering to find self, but at times it can even be a struggle for me, as exhausting always playing the part to fit in on everyone else terms...
Feeling like an outsider in society's never easy and know only too well what its like being on the edge of society. The government departments etc... 'Closing Ranks' to safeguard there ideas and what they know, what works for them. So I cannot help but agree with this quote also from email sent to me "people are not free to 'Do The Right Thing', Only Free to conform, The 'System' loathes non conformists, they cant control them, therefore they subtly will attempt to 'Remove Them'." side line, ignorance, label it sadly happens all the time... and so no wonder many choose to drink etc..., been there and at times still feel like being there, helps close out the world and be in our own reality for a while, of course not a long term solution, but while many continue to be very narrow minded and alienated difference many will continue to suffer, often in silence as it can be so hard too find others to listen, let alone understand. Partly the reason I set up a web site on my own, so all aspie thoughts and to take away control of what I could and could not do.
But I truly feel the more our differences are embraced, the more advances and discoveries will be made, and so feel more resources should be going into embracing and educating ASD difference, rather than trying to figure and change….
2009 MESSAGES / THOUGHTS or just comment on my message and with your permission only would love to add your new year messages to my new 2009 message page thank you. More than happy to add your blog, web site link as long as ASD relevant
_________________
Face Book "Alyson Fiona Bradley "
Last edited by asplanet on 29 Dec 2008, 6:09 pm, edited 8 times in total.
29 Dec 2008, 5:31 pm
