Asperger's & a feeling of despair

Post Reply New Topic

I have found it can be helpfully cathartic to actually allow myself to scream by burying my face in a pillow of something. It seems to help me give safe expression to my anger so that I can then move past it.

Same thing applies to crying about regret over past sad episodes. ( I actually had a "crying towel" I kept handy for this purpose. For some reason I can only cry when my face is hidden. )

Finding a way safely to give physical/verbal vent to anger and sadness helps me process and move beyond past hurts more quickly and effectively.

Nobody ever said the truth was going to be easy. I have been dealing with the same thing for the last year and a half and I know how you feel. All I can say to you is "ride out the storm!". You'll get through it.



You are not the only one who has been fooled by this. Because AS causes social problems. It's easy to mistaken it for a learning disability since there is nothing there suggesting that it a psychical problem. The only reason I learned that I had AS was because a psychiatrist walk up to me and told me and even then, I didn't believe it at first.



You never realize just how bad it is until after you learn the truth. As I said before. "Ride out the storm!". It's all you can do.

I'm in the same boat - I got my diagnosis months ago and I thought it would make everything better, but really I've been struggling with it ever since. I'm still kind of struggling, but some days I don't feel as horrible about it, so maybe this will help.

I do the same thing where I look back at old conversations and obsess over what other people said to me, including people that I love and trust. The only thing that really helped me kinda stop doing this was realizing that I'm not perfect. With the Asperger's diagnosis, I finally had to acknowledge that I am bad at social interactions, bad at reading people, and often come across as rude, difficult, insensitive, or mean, when really that was not my intention. That's a hard truth to swallow when all my life I've been striving for perfection. But it's necessary, because now I have to look at my flaws and be okay with them, which is really, really hard, especially when other people aren't ready to accept them.

To be honest I'm still very angry and upset and I'm still trying to figure out how to let that go, but maybe just forgiving myself for not being perfect 100% of the time is a good start. I think with me I just want the world to be better, to adapt to fit my needs better, and that just won't happen. But I can set boundaries and learn to co-exist and hopefully make real connections with people who are capable of supporting me.

I only discovered I might have AS two weeks ago, and I'm going through many of the same things. It seems like all of my childhood memories now read entirely differently, as though everything I am is 'symptomatic.'

However, instead of feeling that the rest of the world has been unkind to me, I feel as though I have been consistently unkind to the rest of the world. I used to believe I was a 'good' 'hardworking' person and clung to that without ever examining my actions to see that they match, to keep myself as superior to others even when I was stressed, angry, and confused. Now I see that I've hurt and abandoned friends, chosen other socially vulnerable people as friend-victims so that I could have unchallenged control in the relationship, refused to compromise, isolated myself, judged others extremely harshly and with paranoia, and done much more poorly at work than I thought I did. All my pretensions at being a decent human being have fallen away. Now I see myself as someone who can't trust her own observations and impulses, who truly can't plan, who has no ability to dream and to reach those dreams, and who will always need support, yet who can give very little in return for that support.

I look in the mirror, and I see a pretty young(ish) woman, who would look NT at a glance, and feel like what I'm seeing is a lie. I feel like a shell that has just enough humanity to deceive others and hurt them and herself.

I concur.

Glad to hear I wasn't the only one. I spent a solid 5 months (from Dec'2012-April'2013) researching Aspergers pretty much day and night (as I was unemployed at the time). This culminated with a diagnosis at the end of April.

Sadly, this process has not made the despair go away. Rather, it made me understand that this is a lifelong condition that I need to somehow deal with.

I am not currently doing psycho drugs or therapy at this time. I have considered both. These days, my wife + WP form my support network.

I have felt this way. I just go about my business anyway because I have to. I note the successes that I have in everyday life. There are simple rules that I follow as well. I don't open up to people unless I trust them. I don't trust people unless they have proven themselves to be kind. I guess I don't what I can't control. If I don't understand social situations, all I can do is my best to function. I find that I get better over time with my social skills. I know a lot more at age 30 than I knew at age 20. I generally know when someone has ulterior motives or I know social situations to stay out of because have made social blunders in the past.

Honestly, the thing that has helped me the most is time and research (on solutions). I think these feelings are normal feelings one must work through upon receiving the diagnosis. I have had two years to work through these feelings and I have come to terms with my diagnosis. Coming here sure helps a lot because I know I am not alone. I see other people with the same struggles and people who have found solutions.

I despair of myself, I really do. I ought to just run away or die or something. I am so ashamed of myself, due to stupid obsessions I get myself into, which then generates trouble. It happens with each obsession. It's not that I'm oblivious to being too honest. It's just that I get all excited and have the urge to tell people, and I think telling one person won't hurt - and then before I know it, they have spread it around everyone and then I end up feeling like an idiot and getting looked upon as a ''nutter''. I move on to another obsession and it happens all over again. I just can't help getting carried away with my obsessions. I just get so obsessed, that I feel I have to express and pursue it as much as I can in order to make me feel happy.

I can't choose what I get obsessed with, and I can't stop obsessions either. I feel I need an obsession. Sure, if I was more popular and not so shy, nervous and stupid, and had more opportunity to do more things with my life with friends, I might not get myself sucked into these obsessions so much.

But, I can't make friends, so what do people expect?

I f*****g suck so hard. I wish I was dead.

I am also struggling to come to terms with it and feel like I am hyper-aware of my symptoms. I had a meltdown today and my brain is a bit fried which makes it hard for me to type much but thanks for this thread it helps me feel less alone.

I do this too, except I've always done it, since long before I began suspecting I might be autistic. A lifetime of trying to figure people out has totally exhausted me. I used to think if I could just figure things out, I could stop things from going wrong. But now I feel like maybe this is just the way it is always going to be.



Same for me. And I used to really look for the good in people but now it is hard to see it that way anymore. I feel like everything I used to think was good in people, may have been a lie, or something I misinterpreted.

I feel like I've gone through something akin to the '5 Stages of Grief' since my diagnosis. First, relief to finally know for certain. Then the gratifying realization that the problems I've had all my life weren't really my fault. But then it swung the other way, and I felt like I wasn't human, and shouldn't bother other people by trying to interact with them.

But I'm gradually coming out of that stage, and realizing that I can interact with people to some extent, and the people in my life actually like having me around, and I'm not such a horrible monster after all.

Maybe it's normal to go through these stages, and eventually we stop seeing our diagnosis in extremes (wonderful vs. terrible) – and realize that it's just how we are, and figure out how to make the best of it.

I got diagnosed at 8 years old and so knew about it ever since. I'm 23 now and still feel as ashamed and confused about it as I did the day I was diagnosed. The only thing that's changed about me and the Asperger's is when I was a child I used to yell out ''I DON'T HAVE IT!! !'' whenever anyone mentioned it. Now as an adult if it's a close relative who mentions it, I like to hear what they have to say and I also like opening up to close relatives about it sometimes. If it's anyone outside of family (with the exception of doctors, counselors, social workers, etc), I calmly and maturely deny it and can think of many convincing lies to cover myself up.

But other than that, I haven't changed that much about the way I feel about having a condition. It's always been a natural trait in me to want to be normal, to be socially accepted, to be confident, to be part of the social world, and to not come across as weird to others. Last week-end I had a bad time with somebody, and if I didn't have Asperger's I most probably wouldn't have had this happen to me. I don't blame everything that happens to me on the Asperger's but the shame that happened to me at the week-end wouldn't have happened if it weren't for my Asperger's. Now I feel like such an idiot. If these humiliating situations keep happening to me, then I will have to commit suicide. I can't go on living in embarrassment, shame and isolation. Those are such bad feelings, and makes me feel like the whole world is against me and/or is laughing at me.