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Bonafide
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19 Feb 2009, 1:28 am

I've learned that my AS may have a problem with being honest and going to craigslist and having sexual casual encounters with men and women. Is it possible for an AS male to love a woman but still seek pleasure outside of the relationship and lie? I am an aspie as well but I would never do that so not sure if it's different for guys and girls.



mixtapebooty
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19 Feb 2009, 3:01 am

8O 8O 8O



KayCe
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19 Feb 2009, 3:44 am

Bonafide wrote:
I've learned that my AS may have a problem with being honest and going to craigslist and having sexual casual encounters with men and women. Is it possible for an AS male to love a woman but still seek pleasure outside of the relationship and lie? I am an aspie as well but I would never do that so not sure if it's different for guys and girls.


You're talking about at least five different things here and they need to be separated or else they can't be discussed very well. As I see it, these are the five things:

1) Is it possible for an AS male to love a woman but still seek pleasure outside of the relationship?

2) ...and lie? ("I've learned that my AS may have a problem with being honest...")

3) ...going to craigslist and having sexual casual encounters

4) ...sex addiction and males "who are sex addicts"

5) "...not sure if it's different for guys and girls"

Here are my answers, in as few words as I'm able to write:

1) People not only have gender orientations (male/female/trans) and sexual orientations (straight/gay or lesbian/bi), they also have relationship orientations. Some people are naturally monogamous (one partner at a time) and other people are naturally polyamorous (more than one partner at a time). Most of the time, it is difficult or (long term) impossible, in my opinion, for mixed mono/poly relationships to be happy or to last over the long term. Some people do it, but often at considerable personal cost. But to answer your question: Yes, it is absolutely possible for one person to love another and also want to seek sexual pleasure outside of that particular relationship. If this is not something you want in your personal relationship life, then you need to seek a partner who is as monogamous in their relationship orientation as you are.

2) Lying is often a major symptom of addiction of any kind, though non-addicts lie, too--and the experts say that everyone lies at least some of the time. If your AS is "having a problem being honest," to the point where you're posting here tonight, it probably means that there is a problem. The impulse or compulsion to lie can be healed (which is much better than being "controlled" by some kind of outer or inner force), but it's a long-term project and only the person who says the lies can do the work. Some people do heal themselves on this point (my Significant Other did, and during our relationship), but others do not. "Healing from the impulse or compulsion to lie" is not something that can be forced on someone from the outside.

3) Casual sexual encounters may simply mean that inside himself your partner has not fully committed to you yet...or it could mean that he is polyamorous in his relationship orientation...or it could mean that he has a psychological, emotional, or mental problem...or it could mean that he's in circumstances (like being of college age, or in job circumstances where casual sex opportunities abound) where there are a wealth of possibilities and he wants to maximize his experiences while he can.

4) There is much controversy about whether "sex addiction" exists. Although I have significant quarrels with many of the "sex addiction experts," I do think sex addiction does actually exist when sex is being used in an addictive manner, which mostly means that it is not under the conscious control of that person.

5) So far as I've ever been able to observe, non-monogamous sexual behavior appears to be right at 50%-50% male/female, all other things being equal. However: until very recently, and still in many sectors of society and in many different places, things concerning the genders are not equal, and this often makes it appear that males predominate in non-monogamy. In my opinion, though, if everyone was allowed to be who they really are inside, then non-monogamy would be about equally balanced between the genders (though males would very likely predominate from puberty through their twenties, and women, beginning in their twenties, would begin to pick up speed and then far surpass males after that--all the way past senior citizen years to natural death).

Whatever is going on between you and your boyfriend, these issues can be immensely difficult and painful ones to deal with. I wish you and your boyfriend the very, very best.



garyww
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19 Feb 2009, 10:48 am

Most experts today have discounted the concept of sexual addiction but his behavior is fairly typical of a lot of NT and AS men.


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Bonafide
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19 Feb 2009, 6:43 pm

Thank you for your responses. I personally don't want to place a label on my orientation since I can be bi or not and I can be monogomous or poly. I just want to be on the same page and understand so there will be a balance. If he is poly, then he most likely wouldn't mind if I was although he said it would be cheating unless we were all playing together.

I will never understand males. Maybe AS males act upon male primal instincts, f**k, eat, sleep more than NT males since it's emotions, empathy, etc. that can keep an NT from cheating on his mate. AS males on the other hand may not understand how that may impact the partner on an emotional level and thrive for sex due to sensory stimulation that can be addicting.

Who knows. I'm wasting too much time thinking about this. His approach really limits our relationship in many ways. I'm okay with that though, trust can't ever be achieved if he lies and unfortunately, for him, he will be lonely if he keeps it up with me and others after me. He has a track record of women leaving him for his insensitivities. Maybe he just doesn't get it. I've lied to him on numerous occassions about money or stupid things. Sex matters to me and money matters to him. I don't judge him, just don't understand the secret sex life. Maybe he's afraid to be judged or something. I'm AS but not to the degree he is. When he comes down from the Planet Catatonia I will talk with him. If he doesn't talk, that's fine. I'll just cook dinner or something.



mitharatowen
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20 Feb 2009, 11:03 am

Is it possible to be addicted to something that you've never had?

Just curious.



MrMisanthrope
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23 Feb 2009, 5:15 pm

mitharatowen wrote:
Is it possible to be addicted to something that you've never had?

Just curious.

Speaking as a man married for 15 years to a BiPolar woman who decided to quit...

Yes.

It's just that the withdrawl sucks.

Especially if your brand of AS includes needing to overload the tactile senses occasionally just to be able to wear clothes...


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mitharatowen
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23 Feb 2009, 5:36 pm

^ I'm currently pondering which is worse - to never have experienced good sex or to have experienced it and have to 'quit' like you said.

I currently have not experienced it and would give anything for just the chance.. to be able to have the experience and the memory of it. But, would once be enough or would the withdrawl be worse than the absence?



MrMisanthrope
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23 Feb 2009, 6:32 pm

mitharatowen wrote:
I currently have not experienced it and would give anything for just the chance.. to be able to have the experience and the memory of it. But, would once be enough or would the withdrawl be worse than the absence?

The sex or the "relationship"?

If "the sex", hie thee over to the wenches of Nevada and a reputable establishment... unless your religious tendencies prohibit it.

If "the relationship"? I think I was better off not knowing... but my personal ethics won't let me abandon it. :? :roll:


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mitharatowen
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23 Feb 2009, 6:38 pm

^ the sex (more specifically, good sex). My religious tendencies do indeed prohibit it but I'm running low on morals these days anyway.

I hear you loud and clear on the second part.



MrMisanthrope
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24 Feb 2009, 6:51 pm

MrMisanthrope wrote:
mitharatowen wrote:
I currently have not experienced it and would give anything for just the chance.. to be able to have the experience and the memory of it. But, would once be enough or would the withdrawl be worse than the absence?

The sex or the "relationship"?

If "the sex", hie thee over to the wenches of Nevada and a reputable establishment... unless your religious tendencies prohibit it.

If "the relationship"? I think I was better off not knowing... but my personal ethics won't let me abandon it. :? :roll:
mitharatowen wrote:
^ the sex (more specifically, good sex). My religious tendencies do indeed prohibit it but I'm running low on morals these days anyway.

I hear you loud and clear on the second part.

Of course, had I actually read your profile I probably would not have suggested Nevada's Professional Girls... :oops:


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benjimanbreeg
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24 Feb 2009, 7:00 pm

Yeah, but i've gone cold turkey. Not voluntarily though. :wall:


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mitharatowen
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24 Feb 2009, 7:14 pm

MrMisanthrope wrote:
MrMisanthrope wrote:
mitharatowen wrote:
I currently have not experienced it and would give anything for just the chance.. to be able to have the experience and the memory of it. But, would once be enough or would the withdrawl be worse than the absence?

The sex or the "relationship"?

If "the sex", hie thee over to the wenches of Nevada and a reputable establishment... unless your religious tendencies prohibit it.

If "the relationship"? I think I was better off not knowing... but my personal ethics won't let me abandon it. :? :roll:
mitharatowen wrote:
^ the sex (more specifically, good sex). My religious tendencies do indeed prohibit it but I'm running low on morals these days anyway.

I hear you loud and clear on the second part.

Of course, had I actually read your profile I probably would not have suggested Nevada's Professional Girls... :oops:

No embarrassement required, sir ;). I was not offended. What part of my profile suggests that I would not want 'Professional Girls' - my gender? Or did you happen to notice my blogs on being married? Just curious :)



MrMisanthrope
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24 Feb 2009, 7:18 pm

mitharatowen wrote:
...No embarrassement required, sir ;). I was not offended. What part of my profile suggests that I would not want 'Professional Girls' - my gender? Or did you happen to notice my blogs on being married? Just curious :)


Both... all 3 if you include the Religion comment about "permitting".

When religions "prohibit" it usually runs to sales and sames... :wink:


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mitharatowen
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24 Feb 2009, 7:21 pm

Ok, thank you for clarifying. Mine prohibits more than that. But I followed it all my life and it hasn't helped me none.

As for being married and female.. eh it all ties back in to the above.