My mom told me I should kill myself.

Post Reply New Topic

Hey, with the "shabby appearance" thing: First of all, most parents get annoyed with their teens about their teens dressing in weird ways. If you were NT she'd probably get pissed because you're wearing whatever latest trend looks weirdest to the older generations. That's pretty normal. Her overreaction obviously isn't normal; it's abusive and by no means should you take her advice to heart.

That said, there's no problem with you dressing sloppy whenever you're at home or relaxing with friends. What you should know is how to dress up when you need to--say, for church, or a wedding, or a job interview. The problem with this is twofold: First, you may not know what to wear. Second, you may have problems tolerating the feel of the more "dressy" clothing. The first problem can often be solved by studying what other people are wearing at the same event you're looking into going to.

Five different levels of dress, roughly:

Ultracasual:
Ripped jeans, stained shirts or shirts with slogans or ads, no shirt (guys), cutoffs, tank tops, no shoes or very old ones, no socks, sweatsuits, old sneakers, hair any old way.
Suitable for: Lazing around at home; doing chores; anywhere not in public.

Casual:
Jeans or khakis, T-shirts with solid colors or patterns or the slogans of the companies that made them ("Old Navy", "Calvin Klein", etc.), shorts, socks, new sneakers, hoodie sweatshirts, canvas shoes, sandals. Hair brushed and hanging loose or in a ponytail or braid (girls) or combed (guys). Multiple piercings OK.
Suitable for: School, shopping, most public places, get-togethers with friends and family, youth groups or Sunday night services at ultracasual churches. This is the dress code for some minimum-wage jobs (many places prohibit multiple piercings, shorts, or sandals).

Semicasual/business casual:
Khakis or khaki/denim skirts (no minis or shorts), collared shirts (polo shirts or blouses), knitted sweaters (no sweatshirts); hair down or in a braid or held back with clips (girls) and combed, possibly with gel or hair spray. Pierced ears OK. Canvas shoes, dress sandals, fashionable womens' shoes, or casual dress shoes; no sneakers.
Suitable for: Interviewing for most minimum-wage jobs. Casual Sunday morning church services; holiday get-togethers; most dates; casual social events that involve older people--especially family birthday parties or graduation celebrations. This is the dress code at some workplaces and schools.

Business:
Suit (collared shirt, dress jacket, and pants or skirt). Some conservative dresses and blouse-and-skirt sets. Formal shoes. Nylons or non-patterned tights for girls; dress socks for guys. Ties for guys. Hair up or pinned back; any hairstyle should look very neat. Make-up, but not too much of it; small jewelry (gold necklace, one or two rings, earrings, etc.). Dress shoes--womens' should not have very high heels.
Suitable for: Any job interview, some church services, funerals, some workplaces.

Formal:
Tuxedo for men; formal dress for women. Hair can be done in a very elaborate style for women; should look neat on either gender. Make-up and formal jewelry. Nylons or dress socks. Formal shoes.
Suitable for: Weddings and other extremely formal events.

Most important to understand is that the way you dress is a non-verbal language the same way your body posture or facial expression are. You may unintentionally send a message you're not meaning to send if you wear the wrong thing. (I think it's silly, too.)

The Aspie jackpot, as far as dress is concerned, is to find a way to be comfortable at any level on this list. There are some formal shoes that are more comfortable than others (I'm looking into nursing shoes--the black kind may have a style that can pass for a formal shoe without hurting my feet). The material in your clothing can vary, as it's the style that's the most important (a formal dress can be made out of cotton, if you know how to sew--and I do--or can be searched for and found). I look at the necklines on the clothing I buy to see whether they'll cover the comfortable sports bras I wear. I also wear small silver earrings at all times, to satisfy the "jewelry" requirement. You will probably need an NT partner to tell you what "level" some particular piece of clothing is at. Some can actually be found at multiple levels depending on what you wear them with; I have a pair of very simple black workout pants that can actually pass for formal pants if paired with a blouse and suit jacket. I am still looking for a cotton suit jacket, but I'm pretty sure they're out there--it can't all be itchy wool and polyester. The nylon problem can often be solved with knee-highs and long pants or skirts. And, in any case, the most you'll probably need to wear on a daily basis is the "business casual" level (this is a variable term when NTs use it, though, so check ahead of time exactly what they mean by it--it can mean khakis and T-shirts or it can mean formal minus the ties...). So, figure that out, and you've got it made...

I hope this goes with out saying but... DON'T LISTEN TO HER. Killing yourself is never an option. I hope you're not even considering it.

OMG! I just remembered that a while ago I had a dream that my mum told me to kill myself.

I prefer to either be in loungewear when at home, or for absolutlyanything else, business casual or higher. I shop at Moore's because of this, as Moore's is formal/semi formal/high end looking casual clothes at an affordable price. For me, business casual is a knitted sweater, or a golf shirt, or a dress shirt, paired with dress pants/khakis. Shoes for me are either running shoes, or dress shoes, non-slip for work, and usually the dressier variety of non-slip.

The impression about how you dress is not about who you are, its about what class of citizen you are. If you where ultracasual/loungewear in public, people think you are poor/worthless, if you wear things that are of "popular" brands like A&F, American Eagle, Old Navy, you will associate yourself with there image and be viewed as an average Joe. If you wear a business casual everywhere that does not demand a higher level of dress, then you will be looked at as proffessional and important. If you really want to come off as importantwear business clothes everywhere, although this is not a good idea if you are not in a high paying professional environment, also if you think about doing this, be aware that to look that way, you better have something behind you to make it look like normal everyday clothes. Business casual also makes you look more mature, so even if you are in your late teens and people can tell that by your appearence, wearing business casual will earn you respect that people wearing A&F, American Eagle, etc, won't get.

I don't like going to stores wearing less than business casual. I need to get new pants and shorts from Moore's, some nice khakis, and maybe a golf shirt or two, a dress shirt, and I need a new suit. I also think like a businessman, so the person behind the clothes makes the clothes work well.

Almost don't know what to say....Mw99, I'm sorry. I wouldn't know, but can you stay far, far away from her? That's reprehensible on her part and you do not need that. You'd do so much better without her - no one needs that. I hope you're all right - she's posing threats. About your question (custody): I think so.

Are you all right?

First of all, I want to thank everybody who replied with their concern.

My family is about as dysfunctional as they come. For example, mom used to buy me beer when I was 16, and we smoked weed all the time. That's just so you get an idea of my relationship with mom. She has been drunk every day of my life, and even the years before she had me. There is no getting her to quit. She has it in her mind that she raised her children, so now she is entitled to do whatever she want with herself, and no one can tell her any different. Plus, she eats Vicodin like they are going out of style, and anything else she can get her hands on. She is only 52, and I doubt she will live past 55 or 56. If you mention quitting to her, be prepared for a battle to the death. I've given up on helping her, and believe me it is very hard to do. She is determined to die.

Now the fact that her and my sis were talking about it, made me realize just what they think of me. It changed my opinion of them both. I still love them both, but now my guard is up, and I'll never feel the same around either of them. Luckily, I've already been through hell, so nothing really disturbs me anymore. It's just another reason not to trust, and now, there is no one. And they wonder why I don't go out and get a girlfried and enjoy myself. I've already been hurt enough to consider taking that chance again.

Mw99, I, too, am sorry you feel like a lonely little petunia in an onion patch. My mother used to take things I said to their extreme, too. I remember I told her I wasn't going to get married like she did, I was going to make something of my life.
Her response was to refuse her permission for me to date - EVER because since I wasn't getting married I didn't need to date any boys- because isn't that what dating was for??
And she never relented, either.

People say stuff that they NEVER intend for others to take seriously and often we hurt people by our responses to them and they retaliate in kind.

But you know - sometimes people have no idea how to deal with the stuff that comes out of us. She knows you hurt, but seemingly anything she does can not comfort you. We can't even comfort ourselves.

I read this article in Time Magazine, the link is below the quote: I know it refers to BPD and I am in no way saying that is your issue, nor anyone else's it's just the advice I appreciated that I am talking about.

"It doesn't pay to underestimate Marsha Linehan. In Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy for Borderline Personality Disorder, she writes, "If the patient says, 'I am going to kill myself,' the therapist might reply, 'I thought you agreed not to drop out of therapy.' "

In one intense session a few years ago, a patient told Linehan that her work stress was going to lead her to suicide. The patient said Linehan could never understand this stress because she was a successful psychologist. Suicidal borderline patients often confront and alienate therapists in this fashion; for many years, this kind of confrontation was seen as a defining characteristic of the disorder. Linehan believes that borderlines are hurting, not manipulating, but that doesn't mean she indulges them. In this particular confrontation, Linehan responded, "I do understand. I live with a similar amount of stress ... You can just imagine how stressful it is for me to have a patient constantly threatening to kill herself. Both of us have to worry about being fired!"

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/artic ... -5,00.html

So... like, you're thinking the mom might be simply incapable of connecting, and is handling the problem the wrong way?... I know that's usually thought of as an Aspie issue, but really, it seems more like it's an issue of the difference between neurotypes.

That was unkind.

ruveyn

I know quite a few people like your mom. You're right, they don't usually want to quit their current lifestyle to better themselves. The few that do usually succeed when it's their choice. But if it's pushed on them by others, it just prolongs the experience of them finally figuring it all out.

But I will say a lot of people have trust issues. I'm married. I don't think my husband would cheat on me, but I don't trust him in any store that sells guitars and accessories, or guns and accessories with our debit card. He's also forbidden to go to ebay and musician friends online. So I don't trust him at all, and are marriage has some problems, but not trust related ones. I always say marriage is not about trust, it's about sacrifice and forgiveness. I've known many older couples that have many stories to tell that anyone in this day and age would leave a spouse over, but they did fine with forgiveness. And I think it was worth it for them to not die alone, and not be alone in older age.

Anyway, I'm sure you will meet your occassional trifling women in this world, and maybe fall in love with one, but you will also have the same opportunity to find yourself a good woman. The trick is getting to know someone before bumping of the pelvises. People skip that step lately and it doesn't work. But if you get to really know a girl first, date with conversation, then I'm sure you'll find someone you can trust, and then you'll be working on allowing yourself to trust her.

Are you kidding me?

So the patient who was suicidal was more right on about the Doc's issues than the Doc was about the patient's.

Since what Mw's mom said was rhetorical, doesn't sound like too much of a big deal, depending on Mw's state of mind when hearing it. Sounds insensitive though. The entire situation is not being presented here. Do they both have a dark sense of humor and would laugh it off? Obviously Mw was bothered enough to post on WP. Sounds like the mom was being insensitive this time.