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sumthin
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24 Jun 2022, 5:58 am

Hello, new guy here. I'm twentyseven, residing somewhere in Europe (not a native speaker).

Who am I? Not neurotypical, not sure whether autistic. I have OCD (diagnosed) and ADHD (undiagnosed but my doctor seems to believe I have it; my ADHD friend thinks I have it; I am quite conviced I have it.) ASD was suspected by a therapist, years ago, but never gave him credit, don't know why. Found out about ASD when I was sixteen, because after a desperate rant on a forum an autistic guy tried to help, suggesting me I had to take ASD into consideration. Been obsessed since then. Much more like a background obsession, with high and lows, where I am continously checking whether what I do is assimilable to autism.

Today... Seriously considering if I might have a form of Asperger or PDD-NOS. I am trying to reinterpret my life as ASD, finally giving credit to that therapist - going back to him is not an option (he died).

Currently unemployed - tend to fail interviews because I am not that brilliant. I look shy, or scared (I am none of them).

Unengaged - had only one relationship, but it was actually a toxic and abusive relationship, where my ex girlfriend would yell at me and denigrate me in front of others. It took my a year to break up, apparently because of dependency traits (I have no other explanations).

I am going through a weird phase of my life. Very unmotivated, very sad. I have only two friends, both ADHD, and they are the only people I met I completely get along with. The others are gone because I could not keep up with the pace of their social life.

Why ASD? I am just looking for an answer. About why I have been feeling so odd. I have always observed the others, trying to figure out patterns to act like them. I once even started a list of patterns to look socially normal.

The feeling of faking has always been there. Once I even said my father I felt different from the other children (I was thirteen), I did not know about ASD then. He said I was normal. I believe my father is OCD at the very least.

I had a lot of friends for a period of my life, but always felt the odd one. Being also treated as the odd one. I've been told I was the "too ingenuous one". Actually I am very good at understanding people, but I do not understand how they interact. It often makes no sense to me.

Not a lot of sensorial issues. They are mild, and mostly emerge when I am a bit tired. Hate noises when I try to focus, bright light (I need sunglasses even when it's cloudy; it is not painful, but it always feels "too bright"). Get very confused when too many noises are in the room and lose the track of conversations. Stuff like that. Very mild, but enough to cause problems. Much more sensible out (not familiar place) than home (familiar place). I also have hyperreflexia, which my neurologist says being related to OCD.

Well, this is me. Decent introduction, I hope. Thank you for reading so far.



jimmy m
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24 Jun 2022, 10:01 am

Hi. After reading your intro I will agree with you that perhaps you have Asperger's. There are test on-line that can provide you with some unofficial analysis to determine if you are one of us.

One of the differences between myself and NT (neurotypical) is the way I look. Most NTs have direct eye contact. They see eye to eye. But for some reason I don't. I always look a little off to one side. Because of that trait, NTs automatically assume that I AM FALSE, A BAD CHARACTER. It is a falsehood on their part but it is how NTs operate. So for several years I tried an interesting experiment. They make one way prescription sunglasses. They allow me to see out but no one can see my eyes. Generally these are a fairly light tint so I can wear them indoors. It was amazing the effect of wearing these glasses in public.

People would come up to me, total strangers and begin conversations. It was almost like I became a normal person.

Some policeman wear these types of glasses. They wear it for a different reason than I use it for. But it is a similar principal.


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sumthin
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24 Jun 2022, 10:56 am

Well I've been told I stare at people multiple times when I was a teenager, which made me just stop looking at people eyes. I don't quite like it (a bit uncomfortable) but I can do that. Today I just look at the nose or slightly off to one side. It helps me focus on what the other person is saying.

Oh, and I did the online tests over and over... They all put me above the threshold. But I think that is just a superficial screening, I would need a specialist to dig further. I did AQ and RAADS-R. The second one is harder to do, because I have no accurate memories, and my parents tend to downplay my behavior, even when I know it was actually odd.

For example, I had very bad mental compulsions. I had to repeat a few prayers with no sound, and after every mistake in pronunciation I had to start over, increasing the number by one. So I ended up spending even an hour in my head... In certain moments I felt guilty, due to religious reasons (I was always feeling I was going to hell), and started slapping my face hard. I did it a couple of times, once in a while. My parents never knew (and wouldn't believe me today). I don't even believe in religion today. I just did those things, for some reason...

But my parents say either 1) that is not true, or 2) every child does that



Mountain Goat
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24 Jun 2022, 11:45 am

Hi.



klanka
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24 Jun 2022, 12:32 pm

Quote:
Unengaged - had only one relationship, but it was actually a toxic and abusive relationship, where my ex girlfriend would yell at me and denigrate me in front of others. It took my a year to break up, apparently because of dependency traits (I have no other explanations).

our 'life trajectory' has a few things in common Sir



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24 Jun 2022, 4:50 pm

Welcome. It’s not uncommon for parents to deny the problem. I’m glad you’re here.


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25 Jun 2022, 4:57 pm

Welcome to WP! Whether you are on the spectrum, or not, it sounds like it might be a good place for you to keep visiting.

Personally, I didn't feel like I was fundamentally different than the other children...though perhaps slightly more intelligent...but before I was 10 I certainly felt I was being treated differently, and I had no clue why. I knew virtually nothing about Autism until I was 64 and before I was 65 I was officially Autism Spectrum Disorder, Level 1 (Mild), and very, very happy to finally understand what had been going on my whole life.


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sumthin
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25 Jun 2022, 5:08 pm

I remember knowing I was slightly more intelligent and feeling guilty for that. I didn't look THAT different, but teachers used to act as if I was fragile and required extra attentions. Yeah... being handle differently, I know that feeling...

klanka wrote:
Quote:
Unengaged - had only one relationship, but it was actually a toxic and abusive relationship, where my ex girlfriend would yell at me and denigrate me in front of others. It took my a year to break up, apparently because of dependency traits (I have no other explanations).

our 'life trajectory' has a few things in common Sir


I am sorry you had to go through that. It sucks. I hope you are okay now.



temp1234
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26 Jun 2022, 6:11 am

Welcome! I hope you find WP useful!



AnonymousAnonymous
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27 Jun 2022, 7:14 pm

Welcome to Wrong Planet! :)


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