Newly diagnosed (23f) having difficulties accepting myself

Page 1 of 1 [ 9 posts ] 

StealthMode
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

Joined: 6 Dec 2022
Age: 25
Gender: Female
Posts: 6
Location: Canada

06 Dec 2022, 1:59 am

Hi everyone,
I'm a newly diagnosed autistic female. I am 23 years old and I live in Canada. At first, this was mostly a relief and I was happy that I finally connected the missing pieces of things that didn't make sense in my life. I started off being proud of myself but now, as I go through my part-time job in retail and try to find my place in the world, I realize how disadvantaged I really am compared to my neurotypical coworkers and I'm having a hard time with that concept. Even when people know of my diagnosis and I explain it to them, they still expect me to act, behave and perform like a neurotypical woman would and refuse to provide me with accommodations or opportunities because of it.

For example, I explained to my boss today how I find working cash really exhausting and feel that I would be much better working stock but he said something along the lines of "if you have a hard time working cash, why do you think you'll have an easier time working stock?". He then compared me to my neurotypical coworkers and commented on how he doesn't believe I would do well because I don't "take as much initiative" as them.

I pointed out that it's hard to take initiative when I'm exhausted. It's conversations like this that really derail my confidence in myself. What's the point of saying you're an accepting workplace when you don't accept disabled people? when you think they're not as good for business? On top of all that, another coworker of mine who just started working with us who is more "obviously on the spectrum" has his behavioural interventionist with him and he's working stock/in the back. It just reminded me of what the ASD specialist said about people who hide their autism better and get diagnosed later- that research shows that they have a harder time than those who are more "visibly" autistic because the world doesn't expect neurotypical standards from those individuals while they do expect neurotypical standards from us. How is it that when I literally confront my boss about this, my boss who has a son on the spectrum, he still seems to want to treat me like I'm neurotypical?



Tim_Tex
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Jul 2004
Age: 44
Gender: Male
Posts: 45,472
Location: Houston, Texas

06 Dec 2022, 9:06 am

Welcome to WP!


_________________
Who’s better at math than a robot? They’re made of math!

Now proficient in ChatGPT!


Double Retired
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 31 Jul 2020
Age: 69
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,141
Location: U.S.A.         (Mid-Atlantic)

06 Dec 2022, 10:49 am

Welcome to WP and congratulations on the diagnosis. It is wonderful to understand your life better.

Regarding work? I dunno. I was not diagnosed until shortly before my 65th birthday. However, I managed to retire at age 56...which means I'd muddled my way through my work career suspecting a difference between me and the other folk but not knowing what it was, or even if I was just imagining things.

And, yes, I was unhappy the vast majority of my work life. (Throw in a part-time side job for more than a decade to add to the discomfort.) From where I am now, retired, I'm glad I persevered. Having adequate money during my work years was convenient and now having adequate money without working is wonderful!

You are correct that having the correct job is important to being content. And I understand that looking for a new job would be incredibly unpleasant...I pretty much avoided it by working in large organizations that mostly moved me around (within the organization) to meet their needs. If you do decide to hunt for another job I suspect you should be sure you have it before you ditch the current job, if possible. Having adequate money is convenient.

But keep your eye on the long-term goals. Adequate money and retirement with adequate money, and necessary benefits before and after retirement. Unfortunately, the unhappiness is sort of an investment...and I agree it is unpleasant...most of my work career I was unhappy, and sometimes really unhappy.


_________________
When diagnosed I bought champagne!
I finally knew why people were strange.


jimmy m
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 30 Jun 2018
Age: 75
Gender: Male
Posts: 8,462
Location: Indiana

06 Dec 2022, 11:31 am

Yes, I think you are right that you would perform better in a back room working stock. But I think you are taking the wrong approach. Using your spectrum as a deficit to change how you think people should treat you, in my humble opinion, is the wrong approach.

You have a skill set and they are different than most NTs. If you position yourself into your skill set, you will produce better and be more of an asset to your company. You will perform better. So where does that leave you?

I have worked many jobs in my lifetime. I enjoy work. Some jobs suit me better and I excel. Other jobs, no so much. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. Chose a job that utilizes your strength and avoid jobs that focus on your weaknesses.

Find your niche in life.

When I looked up the word niche on the internet it said:

people struggling to find something need to improve their looking skills. They need to do more experiments with their lives and more passionately invest in those experiments. Far too many people dream about a different situation but take little action, and the actions they do take are by half, with one foot always on the ground. They never realize it’s their lack of commitment that causes the emptiness that disappoints them. But of course there are no guarantees: it’s always possible you’re looking for something that doesn’t exist. The rub of being a seeker is the acceptance that not everything can be found.


_________________
Author of Practical Preparations for a Coronavirus Pandemic.
A very unique plan. As Dr. Paul Thompson wrote, "This is the very best paper on the virus I have ever seen."


AnonymousAnonymous
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 23 Nov 2006
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 69,878
Location: Portland, Oregon

06 Dec 2022, 4:23 pm

Welcome to Wrong Planet! :)


_________________
Silly NTs, I have Aspergers, and having Aspergers is gr-r-reat!


autisticelders
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Feb 2020
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,946
Location: Alpena MI

07 Dec 2022, 7:45 am

diagnosis is like culture shock. suddenly everything we thought we knew and understood is different. Its a lot to sort, stressful and emotional. do your best self care as you work through all of it. welcome and glad you are with us!


_________________
https://oldladywithautism.blog/

"Curiosity is one of the permanent and certain characteristics of a vigorous intellect.” Samuel Johnson


StealthMode
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

Joined: 6 Dec 2022
Age: 25
Gender: Female
Posts: 6
Location: Canada

08 Dec 2022, 2:48 pm

Double Retired wrote:
Welcome to WP and congratulations on the diagnosis. It is wonderful to understand your life better.

Regarding work? I dunno. I was not diagnosed until shortly before my 65th birthday. However, I managed to retire at age 56...which means I'd muddled my way through my work career suspecting a difference between me and the other folk but not knowing what it was, or even if I was just imagining things.

And, yes, I was unhappy the vast majority of my work life. (Throw in a part-time side job for more than a decade to add to the discomfort.) From where I am now, retired, I'm glad I persevered. Having adequate money during my work years was convenient and now having adequate money without working is wonderful!

You are correct that having the correct job is important to being content. And I understand that looking for a new job would be incredibly unpleasant...I pretty much avoided it by working in large organizations that mostly moved me around (within the organization) to meet their needs. If you do decide to hunt for another job I suspect you should be sure you have it before you ditch the current job, if possible. Having adequate money is convenient.

But keep your eye on the long-term goals. Adequate money and retirement with adequate money, and necessary benefits before and after retirement. Unfortunately, the unhappiness is sort of an investment...and I agree it is unpleasant...most of my work career I was unhappy, and sometimes really unhappy.


Thank you!



Double Retired
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 31 Jul 2020
Age: 69
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,141
Location: U.S.A.         (Mid-Atlantic)

08 Dec 2022, 7:09 pm

StealthMode wrote:
Double Retired wrote:
Welcome to WP and congratulations on the diagnosis. It is wonderful to understand your life better.

Regarding work? I dunno. I was not diagnosed until shortly before my 65th birthday. However, I managed to retire at age 56...which means I'd muddled my way through my work career suspecting a difference between me and the other folk but not knowing what it was, or even if I was just imagining things.

And, yes, I was unhappy the vast majority of my work life. (Throw in a part-time side job for more than a decade to add to the discomfort.) From where I am now, retired, I'm glad I persevered. Having adequate money during my work years was convenient and now having adequate money without working is wonderful!

You are correct that having the correct job is important to being content. And I understand that looking for a new job would be incredibly unpleasant...I pretty much avoided it by working in large organizations that mostly moved me around (within the organization) to meet their needs. If you do decide to hunt for another job I suspect you should be sure you have it before you ditch the current job, if possible. Having adequate money is convenient.

But keep your eye on the long-term goals. Adequate money and retirement with adequate money, and necessary benefits before and after retirement. Unfortunately, the unhappiness is sort of an investment...and I agree it is unpleasant...most of my work career I was unhappy, and sometimes really unhappy.


Thank you!
Good luck!

I'm not going to suggest having specific long-term goals (besides achieving a comfortable life) because I seldom had specific long-term goals. Rather than concentrating on a specific long-term destination I concentrated on repeatedly moving to a better near-term position. A lifetime of moving forward can get you rather far...even if at the beginning of the trip you didn't know where you'd end up.

And the unhappiness was quite a bother. But even if you can't avoid it, perseverance can help you move past it.


_________________
When diagnosed I bought champagne!
I finally knew why people were strange.


Mona Pereth
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 11 Sep 2018
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,810
Location: New York City (Queens)

27 Dec 2022, 4:41 pm

StealthMode wrote:
Hi everyone,
I'm a newly diagnosed autistic female. I am 23 years old and I live in Canada. At first, this was mostly a relief and I was happy that I finally connected the missing pieces of things that didn't make sense in my life. I started off being proud of myself but now, as I go through my part-time job in retail and try to find my place in the world, I realize how disadvantaged I really am compared to my neurotypical coworkers and I'm having a hard time with that concept. Even when people know of my diagnosis and I explain it to them, they still expect me to act, behave and perform like a neurotypical woman would and refuse to provide me with accommodations or opportunities because of it.

For example, I explained to my boss today how I find working cash really exhausting and feel that I would be much better working stock but he said something along the lines of "if you have a hard time working cash, why do you think you'll have an easier time working stock?". He then compared me to my neurotypical coworkers and commented on how he doesn't believe I would do well because I don't "take as much initiative" as them.

How much and what kind of "initiative" is required in order to work stock, I wonder???

Frankly, I suspect this may be just a made-up excuse.

Working stock does require physical strength and endurance. Depending on what kind of store this is and what kinds of products they sell, it may require a lot of heavy lifting all day.

My guess is that your boss assumed you don't have the necessary physical strength because you are a woman, but was afraid to say this for legal reasons (fear of a possible lawsuit for sex discrimination).

In your spare time, do you do a lot of physical exercise including running and weight lifting? Also, are you familiar with techniques for lifting heavy objects without risk of injuring your back?

If your answer to both of the above questions (especially the first one) is yes, then you might be physically capable of working stock, and you should inform your boss of this. Otherwise, you probably aren't physically capable of working stock.


_________________
- Autistic in NYC - Resources and new ideas for the autistic adult community in the New York City metro area.
- Autistic peer-led groups (via text-based chat, currently) led or facilitated by members of the Autistic Peer Leadership Group.
- My Twitter / "X" (new as of 2021)