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Cris77
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08 Feb 2023, 8:07 am

Hi,
I’m new here. I’m sorry if im posting this in th wrong place.

I just discovered I might have Asperger’s and ADHD. I’m a 36 y/o male.
Always felt out of place. Dislike change, yet seek it. I’m a musician both in the classical world and jazz world (which now makes perfect sense).

I struggle with the admin side of my career/life, and with social interactions since in a normal week I go to new places and meet new people about 4 days a week, and the other days I either teach or play publicly.

I’ve been learning that I’ve learned how to “mask”. It takes a lot of energy, and I burn out very often. My recharging happy place is in my couch learning a very specific musical concept and diving deep into it. When this can’t be done, I get frustrated/irritated and feel guilty about it.

It feels really good to know I’m not alone, and to begin to understand why I do what I do.

I feel the desire to come out and tell my friends, but I’m worried they might tell others and this will affect my career in a negative way way.

Can anyone relate to any of this? Any insight would be highly appreciated.

Thank you for reading,
Cris



jimmy m
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08 Feb 2023, 9:06 am

Welcome to Wrong Planet. It sounds like you are in the right place. There are many of us but we are sometimes different. Many of us did not even know there were others like us. I found out around the age of 69. So our lives are full of turmoil. But on the other hand we are unique and our uniqueness can provide us with benefits. It gave you a talent in music.


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MuddRM
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08 Feb 2023, 1:30 pm

Cris77 wrote:
Hi,
I’m new here. I’m sorry if im posting this in th wrong place.

I just discovered I might have Asperger’s and ADHD. I’m a 36 y/o male.
Always felt out of place. Dislike change, yet seek it. I’m a musician both in the classical world and jazz world (which now makes perfect sense).

I struggle with the admin side of my career/life, and with social interactions since in a normal week I go to new places and meet new people about 4 days a week, and the other days I either teach or play publicly.

I’ve been learning that I’ve learned how to “mask”. It takes a lot of energy, and I burn out very often. My recharging happy place is in my couch learning a very specific musical concept and diving deep into it. When this can’t be done, I get frustrated/irritated and feel guilty about it.

It feels really good to know I’m not alone, and to begin to understand why I do what I do.

I feel the desire to come out and tell my friends, but I’m worried they might tell others and this will affect my career in a negative way way.

Can anyone relate to any of this? Any insight would be highly appreciated.

Thank you for reading,
Cris


Can I ever relate!

I never got diagnosed until 11 years ago.

I get my BA in music history 43 years ago. (And nearly committed suicide doing so.) To say my academic advisor (who was the musicologist on the music faculty) was an SOB was an understatement.

My parents believed in the old Louis B. Mayer saw “those who see a psychologist/psychiatrist ought to have their heads examined!” Even to this day, my brothers, and most of my relatives will tell you there is no such thing as mental illness. If anything, you’re a no good, lazy, fat mother-f!cking sonofabeyotch that don’t deserve to live. Just kill yourself already, so we can dance on your fat, useless carcass. Needless to say, With 2 exceptions, I’ve cut ties with both sides of the family.

I started on piano when I was 10 years old. I was never any good on piano. I was slightly better on clarinet (though not by much). I got rid of my horn, a vintage Buffet R-13 over 20 years ago, no thanks to carpal Tunnel syndrome (that’s what 25 years in Information Technology (and, to a lesser extent, library science, which is what I earned my Master’s (library Science). Of all the jobs I held over the past 43 years (I went disabled in 2013, and have been subsisting on SSDI since then). The only job that I really cared about was the one that paid the least: Tenor soloist (I consider myself to be a cross between Bjoerling (although my technique leaves a bit to be desired) and Sir Jon Vickers) in a dying center city ELCA Lutheran congregation. I’m no longer affiliated with that congregation, since the now senior pastor pretty much single handedly destroyed the music program in that congregation. I left for a small Lutheran Church-Missouri Synod congregation. The only problem I have with this congregation is with the current music director: I DON’T LIKE PRAISE BAND CHARTS.

I got talking to a former church music director, complaining about contemporary Christian (praise band, in particular) music. This director looks at me (he is quite a bit older than me) and told me “You have the same problem. I have: we’re both dinosaurs!”

I guess I just have to do what I’d one over the past 40-odd years: drag the congregation (and the clergy) kicking and screaming back to traditional forms of worship.



kickingdownthedoors
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08 Feb 2023, 3:10 pm

hey! fellow musician here- 20 yrs old, currently pursuing a degree in music technology.

i picked music technology because the constraints of the classical/"traditional" world were just... too much for me. i have respect for anyone who chooses to work in that field, and i think it's worth acknowledging that, even in the jazz world, there's a lot of rules to abide by, if not musically, then still socially. give yourself credit for surviving in that field.

on the flip side, however, a lot of autistic/nd people find areas with strict rules to be very comforting. i think you may find that more folks than you think relate to your experiences- burnout is REAL for musicians, ND and NT alike- and some may even be diagnosed as well.

personally, i'm pursuing a career as an independent songwriter while i finish up my education. i simply can't handle the advertising and marketing side of things, so i have a manager that helps me maintain deadlines and such while i focus on school/the creative stuff. i know this isn't feasible for everyone, but it's a system that works pretty decently for me.

my experience so far with gig music has been that if you can show up on time and play your part correctly, that's more than most people can do, and it will get you a long way. so two things: one, it isn't a guarantee your friends will tell others (and if you think they will... maybe those are friendships to rethink?) and two, having potential employers know won't necessarily be as detrimental to your career as you fear. now, there are... "mean people" everywhere, to put it politely, and i'm not saying you won't be judged or even discriminated against for your ND identities. but i think the music world is one area in which we have slightly different expectations placed upon us as workers. just something to consider.

i hope any of this helps, and if not... well, at the very least, my friend, you are not alone. here's hoping you're able to find some peace soon.



PhosphorusDecree
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08 Feb 2023, 3:43 pm

I can relate to this, and I'm very impressed you manage to work in this area at all. I am completely obsessed with writing music, but I'm an uncharismatic performer and have zero ability at the social and self-promotion side.


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funeralxempire
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08 Feb 2023, 3:50 pm

Is your music struggling?


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autisticelders
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08 Feb 2023, 5:00 pm

welcome, glad you are with us!


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Double Retired
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08 Feb 2023, 8:04 pm

Welcome to WP! I hope you like it here.

You can't get a diagnosis here but you might find these two online tests interesting:
<=>- Autism-Spectrum Quotient Test (AQ)
<=>- Aspie Quiz Registering is optional!
They won't give you a diagnosis, either, but when I suspected I might be on the Autism Spectrum my AQ score persuaded me to act on my suspicion and seek a formal Adult Autism Assessment.

If you decide to get a formal assessment be advised you'll have to do a little research to find someone to do the assessment. You'll want a psychologist who works with Autism and with patients your age. I started my search with this website:https://www.findapsychologist.org/++but didn't find any psychologists whose web pages advertised adult assessments. I figure there must not be a large market for adult assessments so they don't waste web page space on it. I had to call a practice to find out if they would do an assessment.

Oh...maybe start by finding out if your insurance covers autism assessments. If it even partially covers it you'll want to carefully work within their procedures and network of providers as much as possible. Be forewarned, however, that when you call them to ask about it they might not know what they are talking about! I don't think there is a large market for adult assessments so they might not have a lot of experience with them. The folk at my insurance company thought I'd need a psychologist who worked with Autism, with patients my age, and had ABA certification—which is wrong! ABA is for mistreating Autism in kids! It is not necessary for an adult assessment.

I would not advertise your suspicions to your friends because you might be wrong!

If you get a formal assessment then it is personal choice whether you tell your friends. Be advised, however, they probably already think you are odd! The diagnosis might not surprise them much.


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MuddRM
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09 Feb 2023, 12:22 am

^^^

I got lucky. The big behavioral health facility around here at the time was Philhaven, which is now part of WellSpan Health. My youngest brother and his wife, saw the same behaviors in me their youngest son and daughter were exhibiting (they were low functioning and non-verbal). Since I was collecting welfare, and specifically, Medicaid, it didn’t cost me anything for an assessment, since, at age 54, unemployed and being an insulin dependent diabetic, I had no choice but to accept Medicaid, as well as food stamps. Once Diagnosed. I finally received SSDI after appealing my rejection for receiving Social Security. Before I was scheduled to take both the ADOS level 4 and the Weschler battery of intelligence tests. I took the Aspie Quiz, as well as Simon Barron-Cohen, assessment online, as well as addition testing at Johns Hopkins Medical center in Baltimore.

Unfortunately, I no longer have any contact with my brothers, as well as most of my relatives on dad’s side of the family, and none of my relatives on mom’s side.



r00tb33r
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12 Feb 2023, 5:30 pm

Huh. Is it true that outside a few stars, just about all musicians are "struggling"?


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Mona Pereth
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12 Feb 2023, 6:08 pm

If you decide to seek an adult autism assessment, perhaps you could contact the Autism Society of Northern Virginia to ask for referrals.


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organicbutcher
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19 Feb 2023, 5:26 am

Hello there! Glad you're new here--I am, as well. Like you, I'm a musician, although early music is my bread-and-butter.

I understand very much your struggles with masking--it's been a huge issue for me too. And I can relate to your fears of backlash due to coming out; I too worry about this. Who do I tell? Who don't I tell? And why to both of those things? It could affect my career--but positively, or negatively? Could I lose my church position? Or could it strengthen my voice in the early music community? Would it be a help or hindrance?

Autism has certainly both aided me and otherwise made me...not-so-good in my life. But it's also been useful in my craft.

All the best thoughts sent to you--and best of luck. I understand it's hard.



organicbutcher
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19 Feb 2023, 5:29 am

I completely resonate with your words. My autism has hindered my performing abilities more times than I can count--specifically with auditions and live recitals, where I'm prone to succumbing to nerves, overload, and memory slips. I loathed myself for many years and was always jealous of better performers while in university---did I not work hard enough? Was it talent, or pure hard work, that made someone a good performer? Why couldn't I play the piano as flawlessly as the other students? I was jealous with a strong mix of self-loathing; I didn't know why I couldn't be like them.

Luckily I've learend more about myself since then.