Son with "bouncy" walk

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Hello,

My son is almost 15 and years ago he was diagnosed with Aspergers. He saw a dr. once for 15 minutes and was diagnosed. If he does have it it is mild, if there is such a thing. We've been having family issues and my husband and I went to see a counselor and we brought up Aspergers so this is why I'm revisiting his diagnoses. We never really did anything about his issue because it doesn't really affect his life so much, well, maybe it does...

He is obsessed with video games and computers. It is now summer and all he does is stay in his room and play video games, though he does socialized online all the time with xbox live. In school he does ok, very smart but low effort and very disorganized. He has friends at school he hangs out with but when he comes home from school he does his homework, then off to the video games.

I've always thought there was something "different" about him. He was delayed a bit with walking and talking and was obsessed with windshield wipers when he was 3 until maybe 5. He doesn't really show a lot of affection, will say I love you when I say it to him. Doesn't really like to be hugged or touched a lot. He is a bit clumsy, though he does play street hockey on a city team. One of my worries is his "bouncy" walk, I know I should not care what people think but to a point I think we all need to. He just finished his freshman year in high school and I'm concerned if he doesn't change his way of walking he is gonna be made fun of and that will just lead to life being difficult for him. Just doesn't look "right", as he is 6 foot tall with a bouncy walk. I try to tell him to stop bouncing and think about his steps and use his heels for as he tends to kind of bounce and walk on his toes. I feel sometimes mean for getting on him but I'm only trying to help him. My husband says he walks the way he walks, let it go.

I'm just kind of rambling. I just wanted to get more involved with trying to help him. Our counselor will be helping as well, as yesterday was the first time we saw her. Up until then, we've really just "ignored" his symptoms.

I guess i'm wondering to I force him to go out and socialize or let him just play his video games. Do I nag him to stop bouncing, don't know how to help him

ashtin49

Hi!

Your Dr may well be right but a proper diagnosis takes more than 15 minutes. There are tests that should be done. The value of the tests aren't just in getting an accurate diagnosis but in getting a pretty decent snapshot of some of your son's strengths and weaknesses. If you can get a proper workup with a Psychologist I think you'll find it very helpful. Your son does sound like he probably is an Aspie, but a proper workup would be more helpful and might carry more weight if you're ever needing to get accomodations at school, or if he needs documentation for the HR department at work, or college. If you've got insurance now could be the best time to do it as he may not have that as a young man starting his career in a few more years.

My eldest two are Aspies, and my youngest is an enigma. Both my Aspies have unusual walks. Eldest kind of looks like he's ploughing through jello. He also has dysgraphia and difficulty with overall coordination. He breaks things a lot because he isn't sensitive to what he's doing and can't feel when he's putting too much pressure on an object. He also has a lot of small accidents, falling into things and whatnot. It's not a big problem, but if you watch him walk down the hall it's obvious there's something different about him. Middle son also has a funny walk. He walks on tip toes and holds his arms in what the psych calls "chicken wing" position. He is able to walk on his whole foot so it's not an orthopedic problem, and he doesn't always do the arm thing. He actually has excellent coordination and would be very good at sports or dancing if he were to choose to do those things. He's quite graceful, odd walk and all. I was watching him from a distance today, and he kind of looks like he's falling forward belly first. As little kids the odd walks didn't really stand out, but as they are getting older (13 and 11) the other kids are outgrowing those things, and they aren't.

There are Ocupatioal Therapists who can help with that stuff, we just don't have that available where we are, not for ASDs anyway.

Welcome!

Hey, welcome to Wrongplanet.

You could try getting him into clubs in his area which does actually make him more active and more social but I don't know exactly how it would work though?

I would give it a trial run and see how it works out?

Does he have friends in his school?

Thanks both of your replies. It does help to discuss this.

Thanks Kiley, I will take your advice.

superboyian - yes, he does have friends at school. He hangs out with 3 other guys every day. He doesn't really hang out with them other then school. He has tried a couple of times but didn't work out.

He is in a club at school and he plays hockey. But that is the ONLY socialization he does. Other then that he is in his room on the puter or video games.

Thanks,
ashtin49

'He saw a Dr once for 15 minutes'? I have no idea what you mean by 'Dr' - as far as I know, only a licensed Psychologist (recommended) or Psychiatrist can give a formal diagnosis of AS.

It is true that full testing is generally required for a formal diagnosis, and that takes considerably more than 15 minutes. That said however, a Mental Health professional with extensive experience working with Autism probably could spot it in a few minutes - which would mean your son exhibits very obvious Autistic traits that you may be so used to you don't recognize them as such. In that case, his AS is probably not as 'mild' as you think it is. From your description, I would assume the DX was accurate until proven otherwise.

Speaking as someone who grew up with AS during a time when it was not being spotted, recognized or diagnosed because nobody knew what it was - you cannot NAG the Autism out of him. I cannot stress this enough - he is who he is because his BRAIN is not made in precisely the same configuration as everyone else. Yes, you may as a parent, force him into social situations, hoping that he will begin to 'come out of his shell', but that will not change who he is, or the fact that he has a disability. It will however, cause him endless undue humiliation and trauma, as he awkwardly fumbles every conversation and interaction , or simply stands alone in the corner, waiting for the torture to end.

AS involves certain learning disabilities, they are not necessarily learning INabilities - we do, to an extent, pick up some social skills over a lifetime, but we never operate as smoothly and fluidly as those around us. We are always at a disadvantage when it comes to recognizing nonverbal signals and cues and as a result have to be continually on our guard, lest we commit frequent egregious faux pas, or are taken advantage of by the unscrupulous who recognize our naivete. We are (most of us ) not stupid by any measure, but we never quite 'fit in' with the crowd, and the toll taken in terms of stress and anxiety when we are forced to socialize, usually requires hours of solitude afterward to recover.

Those of us who live with AS spend a lifetime being judged by people around us - parents, teachers, coaches, coworkers, employers and even friends - for our differences and our difficulties, because they are essentially invisible. We are told that we're being lazy, stubborn, obtuse, uncooperative, insubordinate and just plain weird at every turn, because when you don't live INSIDE this alternative brain schematic, its hard to understand that we are the way we are because THAT'S THE WAY WE ARE - it isn't a choice we make just to annoy you. When we tell you we can't do something, we're not making excuses, we actually CAN'T - your inability to comprehend doesn't change the facts. Berating, insisting yelling, punishing - it's just pointless abuse, like dumping a paraplegic out of a wheelchair and screaming at them to get up and walk.

But at the end of it all, because of our obsessiveness with specific subjects, our ability to focus doggedly on a task for hours on end, the fact that we literally see the world from a different perspective than the average, we are capable of making valuable contributions. Far from being ret*d, many of us are considerably more intelligent than our more socially successful peers. What I'm saying is this: Your son is valuable AS IS. Stop thinking you have to make him into a carbon-copy of Joe Everyman, because he isn't and never will be, and your attempts to make him so are a giant billboard saying: I WILL NEVER REALLY LOVE AND ACCEPT YOU UNLESS YOU STOP BEING A FREAK. He's likely to get a lot of that from the world as he goes through life - should he be treated that way by his family, too - made to feel as though he's the source of nothing but shame and embarrassment for those who should be his most reliable source of support?

Different is not defective. I'd rather be a weirdo like Bill Gates or Albert Einstein, than another faceless forgettable clone.

He walks the way he walks. Let it go.

Glad to meet you, ashtin49 - and welcome aboard the WP. You may wish to consider picking up The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome by Tony Attwood. It's a good, in-depth read with many good suggestions for helping people on the Spectrum. And also you may wish to check Wrong Planet's Parents’ Discussion Forum: http://www.wrongplanet.net/forum19.html
Here's wishing you and the family all the best.

Hi Ashtin, welcome. Your son's unusual walk and obsession with video games sounds a lot like my younger brother, who's almost the same age. I wonder if they'd get along? ;D Anyway...

From your description, he sounds like he really is on the spectrum (particularly the obsession with windshield wipers). But there's no way to get an accurate diagnosis of ANY developmental or learning disability in 15 minutes. That just isn't enough time to talk to your son and get a feel for what he's like, plus eliminate possible other disorders or personality traits that would cause similar symptoms. At the very least, the diagnostician should be using the ADOS (the gold standard diagnostic test for autism) or similar (if there's another test that's more reliable for Asperger's in particular). Plus, you said "doctor." Most family doctors just aren't qualified to diagnose autism AFAIK. A clinical psychologist is more likely to know something about the autism spectrum and use appropriate tests, but really, if you can find and afford one, a neuropsychologist is the most dependable way to go. If your son is willing, I would try to get a real diagnosis for him now, preferably from a neuropsych.

It's important to be clear about what is within the range of normal behavior and what is not. For example, many neurotypical teenagers spend most of their time in their room playing video games and computers, it's not just an AS thing. And if he's socializing online, he's still socializing. Not something I'd worry about too much.

It's even more important to be clear about what is causing your son problems and/or bothering him, and what just bothers you. If people are making fun of the way your son walks and it's bothering him, it's probably something he should become aware of and work on. Personally, I think this is something that can really get in the way of friendships, particularly in high school when people are incredibly superficial and tuned in to the slightest details of other people's appearances. I know from experience that you can do and say all the "right" stuff and still not get along with peers because something about you just looks "off."

But I think Willard is 100% right that the point should be to make sure your son is happy--and has the ability to do whatever HE thinks will make him happy. The point is NOT to make him look "normal." I think that's the standard by which you should judge whether to help him change a behavior, or just forget about it.

As his parent, you absolutely should help him change in ways that will help him...but nagging is NOT the way to do it. My parents nagged me about all sorts of things as a kid that I was aware I COULDN'T HELP, even though I had no idea why. All that anger in Willard's post? That comes from years of being told stuff like "you're not paying attention," "you don't care," "you're lazy," "why don't you just try harder?", "if you're so smart why can't you do x?" "you're acting like a 2 year old," etc. I know from experience that leaves some serious emotional scars. I 100% agree with Willard that just nagging your son to do something is like nagging at a paraplegic to get up and walk already. You already know how frustrating it is as the parent not getting through to him; well, it's dozens of times more painful on the other side.

Let's assume that your son wants to learn to walk differently. Most likely, he has no idea how to do that. Think about your own walk. Do you know what your own walk looks like? If you wanted to make your walk longer, or bouncier, or whatever, can you make yourself do it? Without looking in a mirror? How much effort does it take? If someone just told you to "walk bouncier," would you have any idea what your muscles should be doing, or what it should feel like to make these motions? No? Well, that's what you're currently asking your son to do. And, just like your way of walking is automatic for you, and would be very hard to change, his way of walking is automatic for him, and probably even harder to change.

Explaining how to walk is just the tip of the iceberg. As the parent of a child with AS, your thankless job is to find a way to explain EXACTLY HOW TO DO THINGS. All sorts of things. Things that seem obvious to you. Things where you've never thought about how to do them. Things where you have no idea how to put the "how" into words. This is what my parents have to deal with every day with both me and my brother with AS. And lots of parents on WP talk about doing the same thing. It's hard, it's exhausting, it's taken for granted by your kids...and as far as I know, it's the only thing that works. Sorry if this sounds negative; I'm trying to be realistic. There are a lot of great people on the parents forum who will have lots of advice about how to explain things to a child with AS, so you're not alone.

It's great that you're not ignoring his symptoms any more and you're so concerned with helping him. It'll make such a huge difference for him to have a mom who cares so much about him. I hope you find support and helpful advice here. If your son would be interested in joining WP, I bet he'd be welcome here, too.

Welcome to WP!

Hello ashtin49, welcome, enjoy your stay on the Wrong Planet!

To WrongPlanet!! !

Perhaps he's a Rangers fan and hasn't told you yet?

I'm an Aspie and I sort of walk on my tiptoes. I've always found it difficult not to.

I'm sort of the opposite with my walking. People have always told me that i'm very stiff when i walk.
If he wants to change the way he walks, you can probably get some sort of physical therapy or something to help. If he doesn't care about how people view him and likes the way he walks then there's no reason to worry.