mother of a 7 year old with AS with questions

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I am the mother of a 7 year old boy recently diagnosed with AS. I know this site is used by a lot of teens/adults with AS and I am hoping to get some feedback on what to do/not to do with/for my child. Do I force him to go out and play with his brothers/friends when he just wants to watch TV? Do I limit his time on the playstation/computer when he can go on for hours? What is the best way to try to get him to socialize without terrorizing him? What worked for you? Or looking back now that those days are past you, what would/could/should have happened to make your world a better place? Looking for some help/guidance beyond what I am reading in books. Thanks.

hello and welcome to wrongplanet. You should try to find him friends that also like playing computer. then he might not get mad. this is just a suggestion. hope it helps.

Being contented in life is more important than being successful in a career, or socially. Having AS, he'll probably never have loads of friends. But he does need to learn how to cope in social situations like school, and, later, work. Do you worry about him being lonely? Because he's probably not. Encouraging him to talk to people (children and adults) who share his interests might be a good place to start.

You need to focus more on helping him develop the skills he needs to live a contented life, than on pressuring him to learn to do what he 'needs' to do to fit in. It doesn't matter if he's different to most people, as long as he's happy with the way he is.

Hi, I havent actually been diagnosed, but for what its worth, heres my thoughts... As a mother I can relate to not wanting my children to spend hours on the computer or in front of the TV or playstation because it doesnt seem like a healthy way to grow up.

Maybe you can encourage him into other interests, by watching him closely and seeing where his interest are.

I didnt relate too well to other children either when I was little, but living on a farm, all of my best friends were covered in fur, and we didnt have computers, video games, or even good tv reception, I was very much into my art, and my animals as a child.

maybe there is something that you have noticed your son likes, that you could encourage, does he have a pet? would getting one be an option? My pets were my closest friends growing up, I spent hours and hours training dogs, my parents encouraged me in it,

I had One dog I trained when I was just 8 or 9, and I trained her very well, so well that my father suggested I enter her in a local dog show, I was the only child there showing three of my dogs, two of them placed 2nd and 3rd for things not related to training, but the one I had spent so many hours every day training (who I'll add was blind in both eyes as well as slightly brain damaged) won first place in the obediance catagory against other dogs(dogs without handicaps) who were trained by adults with experience. I still have the newspaper clippings somewhere...

art was something else I took interest in that they greatly encouraged and I spent many hours doing, but really everything else took a bach seat to my animals, once I hit my teen years my parents got me a german shepard, and they led me to getting involved with helping train the police dogs for the area.

also in my teens, I got involved with training horses, which I loved as well.

maybe with your son you can find something he has an interest in besides the tv, games, etc and really encourage and support it in a big way, whether it be art, animal training, music, nature, etc...

anyways, I wish you good luck, and Im not sure if any of this would be helpful or apply anyways, but either way I wish you and him the best

Thank you for your replies. Yes I do worry about him being lonely. I cry almost every night because I think he is sad and I think about his future and all the challenges ahead of him. At what age is it good to tell him about is AS? I think if I told him now he wouldn't really understand and right now (luckily) he doesn't know of his differences from the other kids. I think he is happy with himself and that is so comforting. It pains me so to think of him as lonely or sad. I know being a kid is hard enough just day to day, so many pressures. I want so much to protect him and do the right thing in so many ways, but I know so much of it is out of my control. He is scared of dogs (I think the barking noise and the jumping and licking is not OK with him). He does love art and we pursue that. Everything else I suggest is a "no thanks", I just want to stay home and look at my pokemon cards (his special interest). Will keep plugging along, really getting alot out of reading the forums on this site, from now grown aspies...it is really great to finally hear from those that have been there rather than others telling me what "might work". Thanks everyone!

Welcome to Wrong Planet.

You might be interested in visiting the Parents' Forum.

Whatever you do, please do NOT pressue your child to go out and interact with others. While I agree, stitting at home watching TV or playing video games is not the best activities to be doing, forcing him to go out and join other kids that he may not really get along with can be highly stressful to him, and won't really improve his social skills. I know, because I speak from experience!! ! My own mother used to do this to me (back when Atari 2600's and commodore computers were the latest!) . The problem is that it really made matters worse. I was terrible at sports, and playing some sort of ball game was the typical activity of NT kids around the neighborhood. Of course this lack of sports aptitude gave fuel for bulleys and others to just tourment me over, and simply made me become more introverted and more shy.

Like Candy stated, find some activities that he would enjoy doing, and even find others that are interested in the same activity that he can interact and share experiences with. Most Aspies will develop obsessions and focus very well on specific activites if they enjoy them, as you have learned with your son's obsession with the video games. You can channel this energy into other hobbies that may be more constructive...and one that could even develop into a good career, as I have!

"At what age is it good to tell him about is AS? I think if I told him now he wouldn't really understand and right now (luckily) he doesn't know of his differences from the other kids. "


You should repost this specific question in the Parent's forum. You'll get alot of replies. We told our son when he was 8 1/2. He had a disgnosis at three, but like you, we decided that since he wasn't aware and couldn't understand it would be better to wait. Even now at nine his understanding is a little fuzzy. He know his brain is wired differently than most people. In his estimation it gives him certain advantages and certain disadvantages. He knows that there are a lot of people like him, and some have been very successful in the areas he is interested in.

You must be in a great, supportive environment for him not to notice his differences from other kids.

This is all based on my own experiences, so I'm talking from my childhood.

When I were young, I always felt that something was wrong, that people treat me in ways that perhaps wasn't bad but that I did not understand.
Like people always suspected me whenever something happened because I "looked guilty".
Well, I didn't have any idea what consisted a "guilty" look or not, so I had to take the blaim for a lot of stuff I had nothing to do with.
I would have appreciated if someone would have told me what I were doing wrong, body-language-wise, and even more so, what I were supposed to be doing.

Take things like mirroring. If you like someone, mimic their body movements more or less. Do like other people do, even if it may seem incomprehensible.
Smiling. If someone else smiles, smile back (If you smile a lot and walk fast, few people notice how ugly you are, as a swedish actor once said.).
Talking. Using face muscles more. I was often refered to as "stoneface" because my feelings never showed in my face.
Eye contact. Try to train to actually look into someones eyes, something that I feel is very energy draining, and also looking away at regular intervals to not seem threatening. The three-second rule, don't look into someones eyes more than three seconds or you'll appear to be either threatening or attracted to them.
Conversational topics. Normal people are boring, so they don't want to stay on a specific topic for too long. Unless they seem very interested, move to other topics.
Tips like that can make his social life a bit easier. And always remember that he might not understand the world like normal people do, so it's good if you tell him why things work like they do.
(Besides trying to explain why someone uses a certain kind of body language in certain situation may give you an insight into how weird many things really are and how your son might percieve the world. Why does looking up when there's nothing special to look at (eye-balling) reflect impatience or contempt? There's no logic there. I couldn't figure that one out by myself.)

Don't force him to socialise unless he wants to. If you put him in a social situation and he goes off and "plays in a corner", then that's what he wants to do.
If he's into computers, then you could actually encourage that by letting him do constructive things. Playing games is fun, and it actuallydevelops several important skills, but it's not a solid base for an icome, for example.
Let him learn how to program the computer. Get some simple programming language like BASIC or something where he can easily start drawing graphics and other fun stuff. I know that worked for me.
Or let him loose on Wikipedia and I'll bet he'll absorb information like a dry sponge.

But it's not healthy to sit in front of the computer all day either.
And AS people often find comfort in routines, so it may be good to early implant some good habits in his life.
For example, getting up early. Don't let him get the habit of staying up all night. It's not good. (Own experience)
Sleeping regular hours is very important for good mental health.
Excercising, like taking a walk or perhaps jogging. Doing it in the morning can give him energy to cope with the day and will make him strong.
Personally, I have experienced that excercising actually helps with a lot of my more mental problems as well, like depression and apathy.
Cooking and eating right. Teach him how to prepare healthy food and to do the dishes afterwards. That'll be valuable when he eventually lives on his own.
Tidying up. Doing dishes, vaccuming, swabbing floors, dusting, making the bed.
When you tidy up your home, your mind focuses on the task and kind of tidies in the head too. It can be a very releiving experience.

This is what every kid should be taught, but he might have to know why he's supposed to do a certain thing, and then put it in a routine so that he'll do it himself. If I remove things I have done at the same time since my childhood, I get really uneasy all day.
And don't put too much on one day.
I'm 24 years old and I can only do about 5-6 "things" a day where "traveling to Japan" and "taking out the garbage" takes up an equal amount of space in my brain, so don't over-crowd the schedule and let him have an hour or two in between to recharge, unless he can handle it.

When studying, I prefer someplace where there are no distractions, because I get distracted quite easily. And it's not just sounds.
Anything that makes me think of something else can lead my focus astray.
I have a set of ear protectors that I wear when I have to focus. That blocks out most noise.
As well, if you're into that kind of thing, meditation is something that helps me focus. Prayer would also qualify in that category.
Me, I turn down the light, perhaps some mood light, and I sit somewhere comfy and just concentrate on my breathing for 10 to 20 minutes. It's very relaxing.

I hope this will be helpful to you.

I think that martial arts could really help a lot. Especially if it comes with a good philosophy.

More then likely, your son is going to be the target of a wide array of bullying, and a near constant barrage of attacks against his character. He's going to need to learn to cope with this. (Really, this is something everyone needs to do)

It's not that there's something wrong with him, it's just that a lot of people can't deal with anyone different then them.

And that being said, by the same token he also shouldn't just ignore everyone because it's hard to deal with some people, sometimes. And to that end, figure out how he can interact with them. Asperger's Syndrome makes social interaction difficult, but it's not crippling.


Also, when I was growing up I was barraged with the message of what boils down to, "You're inept. But I don't want you to feel bad about it." These people honestly wanted to help me, but its still probably caused me more harm then good.

Really, the important thing is that he's going to need to have a lot of inner strength. There are a lot of benefits to Asperger's Syndrome (the computer industry is overflowing with us for example). With the right attitude, it's easy to get a lot of power from it.


(And yes I do have a bit of a chip on my shoulder )

And I'd say tell him fairly soon. Heck, I bet more then a few of us would be more then happy to explain why having Asperger's is cool (and makes him cool).

Hello, I am a teen diagnosed with Aspergers (I also have dyspraxia but that's besides the point). See if you can suggest alternatives for social situations taliored to him as an indiviual.
What I mean by that, is that different people show different tell-tale signs by varying degrees and it could help to take this into account. If one of the hardest things is looking at someone's eyes then perhaps you could suggest other places to look at so that others won't realize he's not technically making eye contact.
Also, he may well be particulary vulnerable to bullying. In the case of name-calling, you can teach him white-noise blocking. I taught myself this and found it very effective. In case no-one knows what the **** I'm on about, take a radio or something that recives stations. Adjust it so that it's halfway between two stations. You may need to warn him that you're going to turn it up to full volume and then do so. After a while, you can suggest that he imagaines this whenever someone calls him names or says anything he finds upsetting. Don't force it, however, if he refuses to do it for a long time (obviously with reminders approiate for him), then perhaps it doesn't work for him. In the case of stuff being thrown - well, if they wanted it, they wouldn't have thrown it at him, so it's fair game to keep it, right?
Sorry about all this doom-and-gloom, it's just since I have been bullied pretty much all my school life, I feel that it's a good idea to be prepared. Metaphors, do explain them. If you don't you may well confuse or frighten him.

I would not force him into social situations at the expense of his wishes. It could do more damage than good. If he does not want to be involved in a social situation, he is going to rebel against it probably to begin with, say by sitting alone and reading a book or something. If you keep at him about it after that, he might withdraw completely, which would not be good.

He is not scared of being alone. He is not lonely. Very few of us are lonely. In fact, most of us desire lots of time alone, but many of us do desire those times when we just want to fit in. During school occasions, he may want to socialize to some degree. If his communication skills come off as disturbed, he may feel that he's not wanted. This may lead to concerns, and it's something that I think you should be looking for. You should also be aware that he may have trouble with other kids picking on him, and such acts can range from minor to very severe, depending on a number of things. I don't mean to scare you, but you should be aware of this. It's something most of us go through, and none of us enjoy it.

As for socialization, try to find confidants that have similar interests. If he's into pokemon, I imagine there are a lot of other kids that are. This will boost his and your confidence, probably. Finding common interests is probably the best approach. His knowledge might be respected.

As for telling him, I would wait until you see signs of social or communication problems that begin to bother him. You could tell him now, but I don't know if he'll be able to absorb it at such a young age, but then again ... you might be surprised. Allow him to do some research on it himself after telling him, and emphasize the positive impacts, like using his special interests to possibly sustain a life's goal. I would try not to wait until he gets in a harsh situation socially, however, before telling him.

- Ray M -

Teach him that videogames can be a social affair; titles like Smash Bros and Halo are known for their multiplayer (and there are many others like X-men Legends 2, Gaunlet: Seven Sorrows, Timesplitters 2, etc); in retrospect, the PS2 is more of a single-player system than most (w/ the exception of online titles) so maybe limit his single-player gaming time.

Give him some books on C++ and Java, two of the most important languages today; show him where to find a decent Integrated Development Enviroment for either (I use DevC++ for my C++ programming, and am still searching around for a Java IDE)

As for the boob tube (TV), never was a fan of it as it promotes passive observation. Get him some books. Look at what he watches? Like humor? Dave Barry and P.J. O'Rourke are good starting points. Like sci-fi? Timothy Zahn, Frank Herbert, Robert Heinlein, etc. are all well-known. News? Hmm...let us know more.

Something else to consider about the video games is this....My AS son also loves his games but he is restricted to time limits and specific times of day which is scheduled for him. I would NEVER take his game playing away from him as in his own words (he is 11) this is how he escapes the world around him. He does socialise using this format with on line games and he is content to do so. He has some friends from school but does not invite them over through choice. Normally I dislike the constant hum of the computer but in his case I make the exception because when he has had his 'session' on the computer he is relaxed and happy and able to face the constant stress his day brings him. He does not watch a lot of TV except for certain shows and that is not often. We have never forced him to be social or engage in any activities he was not comfortable with because it is not worth the overload he feels. But we have taught him how to behave in social situations and that when people come over a simple hello is needed and then he can leave the room if he does not want to be there. Good luck

I have AS and so does my 10 year old son. As I child, nobody knew what was wrong with me, but my mother let me completely develop in my isolation. There were no computers or video games in my childhood, but I became completely obsessed with building plastic models. While my brothers and sisters played outstide with the neighborhood kids, you could find me alone in my bedroom building models. The result of allowing me to be me at that age was I developed amazing building skills with excellent hand and eye coordination as an adult. There is nothing I can't build now, whether it is a house, a car or my own computer I'm typing this on, because of the skills and confidence I gained as a young Aspie.

I don't understand the concern of many parents over video games these days. They provide excellent developmental skills in hand and eye cordination not to mention logical interpretations, the possiblitliy of socializing via networking in multiplayer mode, and an incredible stimulation for the imagination. I weened my son on computers when he was about 2 1/2, and now he is evolving into quite the little computer whiz. Bill Gates, supposedly another Aspie, is the wealthiest man on earth. Nuthin' wrong with that accomplishment. For the future, I'd say computer skills ain't that bad of a knack to pick up early in life, even if they begin with slaying Orcs.

You can't force your son into the NT world. It's better for you to try and join his. Have you ever played video games with him? My son can't wait until I jump in for a good round of slashing up the bad guys together on his Playstation...and playing a networked game of Emperor Dune from his computer in his bedroom and mine in my office will bring peels of laughter from his room. No...he can't even ride a bike today, but I'm not worried one bit, because my son in his isolated little world is quite content and happy, even if he has no friends.

I became quite successful in life as an Aspergers. I have no doubts my son will too. Just accept him for what he is, and let him fully become obsorbed into whatever fascination he currently has. He has so much potential, but you can't force him into the NT world, nor can you compare him to the NT children. He is gifted so let those gifted skills develop. He'll adore you as an adult for allowing that to happen. My Mom, and her adamant "just let him build his models" override to my father's concern that I would never become the next Mickey Mantle because I never went outside was the best thing that ever happened to me as a child.

Oz

Dear Oz & everyone,
I enjoy reading everyones replies so much. It is terrifying and comforting at the same time. I am getting so much from hearing from everyone who takes the time to post to my question. First hand input from all of you is really what I need to know he is OK and it is OK for him to keep on doing his thing. I want to do right by him and I guess that means just letting go and watching this amazing little boy grow into himself. Yes it is hard to sit back and watch as it goes beyond everything I believe is "healthy" in raising a child (too much TV/computer/video games) -- but I suppose that would be a NT child and not this child. I am learning to let go of those beliefs because I need to for him and for myself. I am so encouraged by what everyone has to say, this is all so new to me and I feel I am walking through the dark. But I will keep posting, keep reading and keep an open mind. Thanks.