I have so much to say I have no idea where to start. I'm almost 33 years old and I've always been strange. I never thought about finding out why until someone posted an asperger test on another forum. I took the test and scored:
Your Aspie score: 150 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 53 of 200
I know this is just an online test, but I'm pretty certain it's true. I'm not sure what the value is in getting officially diagnosed other than the fact that my husband thinks I should (he's a medic so I think I understand why he feels this way). He's a great man and we've been married for 12 years, but it hasn't been without difficulty at times. It's not even a new story. I had the same problems with my parents growing up. They're also great people, but I apparently have a problem communicating even though I feel like I communicate perfectly fine. It basically leads to everyone insisting that I'm mean or angry when I know for certain that I'm just being matter of fact or serious. It seems like my tone of voice and/or facial expressions put people off and I can't even seem to fix it. To my husband's credit, one of the reasons he'd like a diagnosis is so that he can learn how to interact with me as well. When things are good, they're just great and he loves my quirkiness, but when it becomes serious, it inevitably leads to an argument that neither of us wants to have. We want to sit down and discuss things like normal people, but there are too many misunderstandings. I can't read him any better than he can read me.
This isn't just a problem with my husband. I had the same issues with my parents growing up and they're fantastic and supportive people too. I don't, however, have any friends. I have internet friends, but making friends in person seems impossible. I haven't had any good friends since high school. I try to meet people, but even though I'm keenly aware that there are crappy people out there who'd just like to take advantage of someone like me, I can't seem to pick out who they are. It's a gamble every time I try to make friends. Is this one going to be a real friend or is this another person with selfish motivations who's going to stab me in the back later? This is a problem I have more with other women than men which I guess partially explains why I've always had more male friends. The other reason is that I just seem to share more common interests with men than women. Anyway, after being burned numerous times, I've just given up completely. I go through life assuming that most people aren't worth talking to because I have so few experiences to the contrary and I'm too tired to look for exceptions.
I've also had a great deal of trouble with work and gave up on that too. My husband makes just enough money for me to stay at home and he's decided that is preferable to the crazy woman I turn into when I work full time. I'm 32 years old and I've never kept a job for more than a year. It isn't that I don't want to work. Actually, when I'm at work, it's all I want to do and co-workers and supervisors don't like that. They want me to be social. I've tried being social, but I'm sure you can guess how that goes. I feel like I'm in a catch 22. I'd be better off keeping my mouth shut, but I'm not allowed to. The only way I managed to keep any of those jobs as long as I did was because I literally spent my entire day pretending to be someone else...roleplaying basically. That's what turns me into the crazy woman that my husband can't handle. It's too exhausting spending more time as a fake person than as myself. It can't be maintained, of course. I either quit my job due to fatigue or my facade falls apart and I get fired.
I feel like I've barely scratched the surface. I could go on and on, but this is just supposed to be an intro thread so I'll sum up with all of that typical intro stuff. I'm 32, married to an Army combat medic for 12 years. We are childfree by choice, but have two kitties and are looking at adding a dog to the family. I love to knit, cook, draw pictures, play video games and watch anime. I chose the username TheFangirl because I get obsessed with things very easily. Out of habit, I have previewed this post several times to make sure I've been as clear as possible. I also debated using an emoticon, but I wasn't sure which expression was best...
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I don't need to fight to prove I'm right. I don't need to be forgiven.
19 Sep 2011, 11:34 am
