NT here, trying to settle in relationship with Aspie man

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Hello, new to the site, but looking for moral support. I am NTypical, but attempting (for the fifth time) to suceed in a relationship with a man I adore who has Aspergers. We have been together a year but have broken up four times in all, due to his behaviours, and perhaps my intolerance. I would welcome communication with anyone in a similar circumstance to me.

Welcome to the forums.

Welcome to the forum. I have AS but am very happily married to a NT man. I think you'll find loads of info and people happy to give input here. This is a really friendly and accepting group of people. =)

What kind of behaviors have been problematic in your relationship?

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

I will have to follow this thread in case anyone has any good advice for me to pass along to my girlfriend.

I'm an NT woman in a relationship with a man who has AS also. We've been dating for about 11 months now.

Ok, I've kind of been thinking about this a little...and I think the biggest reason our relationship is successful is that neither of us ever thinks the other person should change.

Dh comes from the perspective that it's on him to adjust to my ways. He may expect NT behavior from me in some things just because it never occurred to him that there was any other way...but when presented with my odd ideas he is intrigued by the fresh perspective and tries to actively incorporate it into his world view.

I, on the other hand, realize that even if dh was the only one making any effort...I still have a whole world of NTs to deal with. So, I am always trying to understand just what is different about my views and behavior...and why it matters. I try to change my habits and learn skills that make it more comfortable for dh and other NTs to interact with me.

We probably have more friction than most couples would consider to be part of a happy or satisfied relationship...but as long as neither of us blames the other for it, that friction isn't hurtful or damaging. It just is.

my husband, who behaves neurotypically, says i am hard to read. he deals with this by asking direct questions.

As to his behaviors & actions; It may be key to sort out for youself which ones you've been intolerant about (but are acceptable given better tolerance on your part) or whether some of those actions are deal breakers, were he do them again.

Welcome to WP.

thanks all for your words of encouragement. I adore this guy. Incidentally I work as a psychotherapist so SHOULD be understanding of all things 'different/unusual.' That said, some of the things that have caused trouble for us has been
a) his excessive hoarding... not letting anything go, hanging on to stuff from years ago, and not clearning stuff away, his place was an absolute tip.... I think this can be a trait of Asp but not in all cases
b) you could just be in the middle of sex, and he would suddenly take tired and say "good night" and roll over - no thought for me and my feelings (I can hear you all laughing now)
c) inability to be responsible when it comes to dealing with post/bills/letters/correspondance
d) hurtful things he says e.g. when my new grandchild was due a few weeks ago, I asked if we could ensure we were nearby at the time she was due to give birth and he said "what for... its JUST a baby" I was very hurt
e) mean-ness with money... will let me pay for everything despite having for more money than me
f) not overly keen on meeting my family, kids, grandkids and friends
g) very limited food choices... wont try anything new, turns his nose up at anything remotely different, and wont eat things when they are together on the plate e.g. baked beans and mash... apparantly you CANT have baked beans and mash together!!
If all of this sounds pedantic I am so sorry and apologise in advance to aspies out there, I am not being disrespectful but its hard when you live with it 24/7, but he very loving and tactile, and that, I think is the glue that holds us together.
Can you 'train' an aspie to be more caring/careful?
Thanks all for reading.

Me again... should have added really, that a thing that gets me down probably the most is that i am definitely the 'mother' role in his life - i seem to have taken over from his older sister, sorting out his bills, making phonecalls to officals that he doesnt feel capable of doing.

Asking him to run an errand will often end up in him getting something wrong, or not doing what was required, even when he knows the task is not completed properly, he wont attempt to sort it or put it right, preffering to come home to me and let me sort it. I suppose at the grand old age of 51 I have raised my children and served my time as a wife/mother, and now want to be taken care of a little. I feel with my aspie, gorgeous as he is, that i cannot lean on him... it is always the other way around, and sometimes I long to be able to ask him to do important things for me and him get them right.

He does sort lots of practical things around the house though... he is brilliant with his hands and can be relied upon to do DIY jobs thoroughly.

He also is very opinionated and refuses to see other people's points of view about things he feels strongly about. Sometimes you cannot 'tell your tale' becasue he is too busy telling you about the workings of a vacuum cleaner or how car engine's work - lol.

All endearing in their own way, but can be destructive to a relationship. Thanks again all for reading.
dollie

I'm 27 male with asperger's. If you are in a relationship with a guy with asperger's you can ask me anything about my point of views or anything. I'm married to a 24 year old lady. she doesn't have aspergers but has bipolar. she is not diagnosed but it's there trust me, and it's causing some major problems (she is staying with a coworker as of yesterday). anyway, if you want to ask me any questions, feel free. I'm smart enough to understand that you may just want to know something about people with asperger's without getting offended in any way. Some (most) of the things i've seen on here i do and i can do my best to answer why i do them or any other question.

i have asperger's. if i take on a task for someone, i will do it right. i may be wrong, but perhaps he has a little passive-agressive in him. an assertiveness course or bringing the topic up in therapy could be useful. i couldn't live with a relationship in which i couldn't count on the other person. broke off an engagement in the '80's for just that reason. a relationship is two people who are there for each other. you deserve to be in a two-way relationship. also, perhaps relationship counseling over the money thing. eventually, if things don't change, i believe you will be resentful, because you are being taken advantage of.

thank you, especially friedchicken and cathy........ I will report back in due course. Cathy, thanks for seeing things my way as well.... it is hard but I love the guy.... he has me hooked. fried chicken, thanks for being so honest. xx

Welkome to WP!

Mick