I don't really know why I registered here. I'm 42, male, pretty positive I have Asperger's, although I doubt I will ever bother getting a real diagnosis.
I was different, in the bad I have no friends, everyone hates me, beat up every day and constantly being laughed at way as a kid. Boys followed me around with violence, but it was honestly the way the girls told me I was gross that really cut deep. Somehow that seemed to go away when I turned 18 and left home. For a couple of decades I became really popular, and felt like I grew out of it. Dating was always hard, but flirting was easy and I ended up being pretty good looking. I was still different, but I just figured that it was a weird fluke that I was an outcast kid and that my current differences could be attributed to all the time alone (playing D&D with myself mostly).
But, in the past few years things have changed. I have become super introverted. I started having trouble at work (I am a computer programmer and pull down a six figure salary). I feel sad a lot. I can usually shake myself out of it, but my differentness is just making me feel so alone again. I've read some fairly depressing stats on people bullied as children. Apparently I've already broken the odds just by finishing school and holding down good jobs.
I'm married to an amazing woman, but we have a lot of problems. They aren't all my fault, she is pretty screwed up too, but it just sucks to be so dysfunctional.
I am also very lonely. Really, deeply lonely in a stuck on an asteroid alone in space sort of way. People don't seem as real to me as they used to - instead everyone seems like an NPC. When I talk to friends and family (which is pretty rare) I afterwords feel like I was playing a role.
So anyway, I know this is boring stuff, and I'm sorry for that. I'm sure you have all had it as tough as I have. I guess I am here because I want to see if I can relate better to people with Autism. I really want to feel like I belong some where, but I don't have the ability to self delude myself. Maybe I will fit in and maybe I won't.
16 Jan 2013, 8:49 pm
