Pretty sure i have ASD

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Hi, I am mid-20s and convinced I have ASD. I have always struggled to find somewhere I fit or to understand what is going on when it seems everyone else has a manual on life and they forgot to give me mine. The smallest things can give me great distress but I manage well day to day (being a girl probably helps). I work with autistic teens and often feel more in common with thm than my work colleagues. There are times when two many conversations are going on or we've gone out and the music is too loud and I'm threr with fingers in my ears wishing I could grab some ear defenders. When my anxiety is really bad I start to notice that everything feels wrong, my clorhes agaisnt my skin, the way my books are, I have no idea how to calm it so I end up drinking or popping pills.

I self harmed substantially for many years, I'm covered in scars and now I see it was something I needed to do when my anxiety was high, my skin was crawling and I needed to know where it eneded. Now I hit myself which gives me good feedback but I'm doing damage. I'm generally clumsy feeling like I'm falling though space, can't stand rollercoasters, ice skating, can't even ride a bike. My thoughts are generally a jumble and studying is a nightmare because the jumble leads to anxiety leads to self harm.

I started realising the signs recently meeting aduts with high functioning ASD but have no idea how to go about diagnosis and how much it will help. I do need help but I don't want to go down that route then end up with a psychiatric disganosis again and pills. I need some support. Also really need some support with grief. I lost a close family member and some friends tragic circumstances, lost all my friends and I still don't know how to feel or how to move on. My whole life is affected. Does anyone relate

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Hey snailsare welcome.

welcome, i can relate to much of what you have said. i too am awaiting diagnosis, i am hypo touch sensitive and did self harm when i was a teen. i didn't really know why at the time but things are starting to make sense now that my GP has said she thinks i may have Aspergers. i got heavily tattooed to cover my scars, then carried teh obsession on and now have lots, im about 30% covered now and have many in progress.
Surprisingly, i read peoples facial expressions and voice tone etc very well, better than normal actually but its because body language has been a hobby of mine to study, so perhaps i take a rather clinical approach to it rather than a natural intuitiveness.
i do often feel a bit overwhelmed by contact with other people as i think i constantly try to read them. i do find it hard to fit in and don't see my friends very often, although i like my privacy and space I can feel a bit isolated at times.
i have a wife and two small children and i love them all dearly but feel crowded all the time and it makes me feel bad to need space from them because i love them and i know they love me and just want to be with me.
i am obsessive, i like to ride my motorbike and pootle with it and clean it, but when i start i need to be able to just get on with it and finish what im doing, it usually takes several hours.
im also a songwriter and music producer, but since getting married and having kids i cant write and that is incredibly frustrating and making me depressed, because when i start to write a song i need to be left alone to create, it can take a day or two from start of writing to finish recording and editing and that's just not possible in my current life situation, i haven't written a song in over a year.
My physical coordination is fine but im sure it must be very frustrating to feel clumsy but jumbled thoughts i can totally relate to, i think that's why i like to focus intently on one thing at a time that interests me for so long. it helps me relax and shut out the noise otherwise i have great difficulty focusing, and am terrible at multitasking. im very easily distracted.

one thing i would say is that getting a diagnosis could be very helpful, it will give you a basis to work from. i dont really see it as a disorder, rather personality type. and by knowing what sort of personailty you have you can build upon what other people have found helps them. you may also find the support you feel you need.
Please don't self harm or rely on alcohol, i do personally understand how it may provide gratification at the time but it is destructive behavior that wont help you in the long term.

I don't know where you are from and am new to all this myself but i think the first step would be to speak to your doctor about your symptoms and ask them for a referral. its what i have done and they were very understanding.
i doubt you would be prescribed any drugs for Aspergers if you do get a diagnosis but if you are feeling depressed which judging by what you have said you might be, i also have personal experience of depression and i did find that medication did help get me out of a pretty bad funk a few years ago, (it didnt turn me into a dribbling fool) just helped me get back in control.

i hope you find the answers you are looking for but i can guarantee that although you find it hard to fit in day to day, you aren't the only one and there is support out there.