Thought i'd introduce myself here. I'm planning on talking this over with my psych on thursday, but I thought I'd use this to get my thinking out.
Sensory:
-loved spinning,
-loved looking at lights (especially when they flickered as they moved past)
-tendency to stare at the ground in the summer (bright sun)
-cried when people popped balloons as a kid. I still startle easily from sudden sounds
-had a "sticky thing" collection on the underside of my desk- i liked picking at and then sniffing half-congealed glue
- I tend to sniff my hands after eating.
-My mother says that as a baby, all she had to do to calm me down was put me in a baby swing and i would be content indefinitely. As a child, i adored the swingset and merry-go-round (the kind on playgrounds).
-I was clumsy as a child. My dad says that around age 4, he got worried i'd had some kind of head trauma, because I would lose my balance while walking or standing, without any apparent reason.
-i don't think i've ever had a meltdown, but I've had times when my sensory processing became completely chaotic- like being inside a cubist painting. Sound volume gets distorted, and i mix up the directions they come from- a sound i know is coming from my pocket will seem to be coming from 4 feet to the NW, for example. Visually.... it's hard to describe. Like a mosaic, sort of? There's a degree of dissociation involved, because i'll often feel like some body part isn't connected to me anymore. Sometimes in reaction to that (and it doesn't happen too often), I'll end up shutting down. It's actually my behavior during those times that makes me think i might have ASD, because I act stereotypically autistic- I can't make eye contact, my face and vocal tone flatten, I have trouble responding to questions- and what I do say comes out cluttered and littered with palilalia. After the crash i'm unusually sensitive- an unexpected breeze, or movement in the corner of my vision might startle me. I'll become uncomfortable with shadows touching my skin. I usually try and reinforce order by listening to music, or creating some kind of rhythm i can focus on- like tapping on my leg with my fingertips. It doesn't get to this point often, though.
-during high school drama club, when I had nothing to do, I would go sit inside the dressing room closet with the lights off. in guitar class, I would spend the entire period in the soundproof practice room, playing guitar with the lights off (there was a window, so it was only just dark enough to lose color).
- sometimes i can't recognize things if i'm coming at them from a different direction. But i usually have to be tired first.
I don't think I've ever had routines, and I generally enjoy trying new things- well, new foods anyway. On the other hand, I definitely have obsessive interests and a tendency to fixate on details, and I used to be fairly rule bound (I'm still morally stubborn, but I'm a lot more nuanced about how i evaluate behavior). Since I started revisiting the possibility of having asperger's a week or so ago, I've probably spent an average of 5 hours a day on the topic. It's part of why I'm posting here. I know my brain- I'm going to keep thinking about this until I come to a conclusion. I've had OCD tendencies in the past, and i honestly think it's the same thought process, but under anxiety.
Social/communication
-as a child, People complained that I *stared* at them, but i don't recall any complaints about avoiding eye contact.
-When i was 3 or 4, my mom would put us in the gym daycare while she worked out. Every time, she'd get called in within 30 minutes because someone had punched me, kicked me, shouted at me to stop bothering them, or shoved me off a (very low) slide. It was always a different kid.
- hyperlexic as a small child "Mother, could we plant chrysanthemums in the garden? I was hoping to put them next to the gardenias."
-I walked into preschool capable of reading the names off the back of the chairs
-i was almost held back in preschool because of "emotional immaturity"
- on the other hand, I never had any behavioral problems in public school. Teachers loved me.
- I generally had no idea what was going on around me
- according to my sister, the popular kids were making fun of me, but i perceived it as friendliness at the time so i don't care. I was generally so "out of the loop" that I didn't threaten anyone's social status, so I was never target for putdowns or anything. I also wasn't an acceptable target, though, because I was adopted by my sister's social group. And my sister's best friend was always on the verge of beating the s**t out of someone, and she didn't like hearing people insult me.
-i actively worked on reading people during highschool. Psychology was probably my biggest obsession at the time. It's part of why i'm not including my scores from any autism tests here. I've taken them all before, so my results would be skewed. I don't remember what i got back then, though.
at some point (around age 20, i think). I rapidly gained social intuition. I'm very good at knowing the right thing to say when someone is feeling bad about themselves, and at helping people talk through their problems. I now (generally) read people well, unless i'm tired. In person-to-person interaction, I think I do very well, and i have a good sense of social norms for interaction and small talk. I know how not to offend people. I'm not good with texting, though, or with keeping in touch (though I'm better than I used to be).
14 Dec 2016, 3:28 am
welcome to our club 
