30 y/o and just dx'ed w/ AS

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Hi Everyone

Glad to have found this forum. I don't really know where to start other than I am very depressed right now. My dx of ADD was changed to Aspergr's w/ADD last week. It was a huge relief at first, because it answered ALL my questions. I was very happy for a few days. But now I am thinking about and reliving all the wrongs and abuse I have experienced, the fact that I will never really be able to relate to people, and just feeling outright tired from having to put twice the effort into things only for them to be viewed as "half-assed" my entire life and not understanding why. I can't stop these thoughts and they are all coming at once.

Hoping to find some perspective and guidance as the majority of the information I have found references children.

Thanks
David

Howdy

Yeah the medical route can be a torture and it sure can get confusing trying to sort though it all. I'm 57 and there are more in my age group and yours here. It's the age we feel, we've been stunted in our youth, almost denied a youth and we can drop the masks here. Well as good as I can anyway, they're kind of second nature to me anymore. Depression and I were on very friendly terms for a very long time, found a med, but it took a very long time for me to get to this one. Some get it on the first try. That's between you and your doc. But what a whole new world it has been since that finding, both of knowing about AS, WP and finally a med that worked. So anyway, I talk too much. Take your shoes off, rest a spell, some really great people here. Roam a bit and find what fits', if it doesn't fit then start one that does.

Welcome home

Welcome to wrongplanet!

Even if you dont fit anywhere else, you'll fit in well here!!

David, I think I'm experiencing EXACTLY what you are right now. For the last several years I thought that ADD was the primarily explanation for my brain issues, but recently realized that I've lived my entire life (33 1/2 years old now) without even realizing that I have Asperger's. NO WONDER I'm so weird, and NO WONDER every single little aspect of life is so darn difficult for me. I have mostly positive feelings about figuring this out and am thinking, "Thank God at least I finally KNOW what I'm dealing with and WHY everything is so hard for me." But, several times lately I have just broken down in tears when I think back and realize the magnitude of all of the horrible things that people have put me through in my life. And they never even realized or cared that they were heaping abuse on someone who already had more than enough to struggle with. I don't know if this makes sense to anyone else, but my heart is breaking for the 'little me'. The little girl that had to live through severe emotional and physical abuse from a mentally ill mother. (Father left the family when I was 9 years old to save himself, and left us kids with a very unstable mom.) I had to move out and support myself at age 17 because any more time in that home would have killed me. So there I was at age 17 with zero life skills having to work 2-3 jobs to keep a roof over my head while trying to finish high school and graduate. I was very, very ill equipped to care for myself and ended up with my physical health taking a huge nose dive in my late teens. I could have had a very different life if I came from a more stable family where someone recognized my 'differently-abledness' and took care of me and helped me develop the skills needed to take care of myself.

So yes, David, I really understand how you're feeling right now. I think this site will be a great resource for both of us.

I was diagnosed early in life, around the age of five. I experience the same things that all of you do, though. I think about how my parents were expecting me to pass as being NT. How they were discouraging me from talking about my obsessions. How my family started to see me in a bad light, the moment that I've turned twelve. I remember how embarrassed my strictly Canadian parents were that I spoke with a Cockney accent. I still have the accent, but they're not embarrassed, anymore. I remember getting yelled at, for sewering my pants, between the ages four and six. I remember straining for the next twenty six years, in order not to "make the same mistake that I've made that Halloween Night", and the weakning of my anal muscles and the loss of feeling in my rectum that it's caused me. I really do need to wear Depends, because of that. I remember my mum making my sister and I feel like s**t, and making us cry. Mum's favourite punch line was, "I try to be nice to you, and this is what I get!" That only made me cry, even harder. That made me feel unloved. I was almost ready to take my own life, three times between the ages 14 and 25, because of all the painful memories that I have to deal with. They still creep up on me, from time to time.

Hi! I am new here as well. Just wanted to write some lines to you to tell you that you are not alone of being diagnosed at 30 years old.. Or, I was still 29 when I got mine.. I understand what you're going through, since I have the same thoughts.. I find it a relief to get the diagnose and finally understand that I am not lazy but at the same time it starts so much thoughts in my head.. I wonder alot about the future as well, will I ever get a job again, since I couldn't stay at the last job either... How to make an income? Do I have to sell my horse? Should things have been different if I just got my diagnose when I was still in school?..and many many other thoughts...

Take care
/different

Welcome to WP!

Tim

Welcome to WP!

You're not alone anymore!

There a lots of people who can give you guidance on this website.

Helen

Everything has a good side. The world is a mess because of my childhood. I was told by parents and teaches it was my fault. I do not fit, cannot, will not, and do not want to.

Driven to isolation I started my own world, which works just fine. I get along with me. I also can make a living. I found ways that it was me alone, and all problems vanished.

WP was a real eye opener. The Internet, and I deal with humans, they with me, and no conflicts.

All problems come from people being close to me. There is an AS vibe that sets them off, which computers filter. In person they are demeaning, threating, insulting, and the web makes them just good customers.

How is it that "MY" life long problem ceases when there is a simple filter between us.

Medical Science still says it is us, but my view is, my behavior does not change, but their's does.

From WP I learned I was not alone, 2,000,000 in the US. From selling on ebay I became a well treated member of the world, and as a provider, treated better than most.

That opened the doors to business, and WP to friendship. I have connected with people here. Not just about AS, but as people.

A web based business has a large customer base, and they are all like WP, kind, fair, understanding.

Welcome to WP. My best advice is find a way to make a living on the web. It solved my problems.

Hello, David and welcome!

Welcome, David!

You have AS, and so do I. This means that we percieve, conceive of, and relate to reality in ways that are unusual or rare. Not wrong, but different. Everyone in the world is different from everyone else, at least in some way. But those of us with AS are more different in more fundamental ways than most people. And just because we share having AS, it does not mean that we percieve the same or conceive the same or relate the same as anyone else with AS. However, it may be that we share more similarities between ourselves than we share with the vast majority of people who are considered "normal." Not correct, but simply in the vast majority.

Relating is a two-way street. When you express yourself to others, as you did in your post above quite well, you are attempting to relate to others. As I am doing now, responding to you, I am attempting to relate to you. So, now we have the two directions, but are we on the same street? This is a problem for all people, but an even greater problem for those of us with AS.

My advice is that you keep reaching out, and not withdraw from the world, neither from those with AS or those who do not have AS. You may well discover a good relationship from a person with AS or a person without AS.

Do not berate yourself for what has been done to you. For, at least you have survived and not all do.

Find some source of encouragement or inspiration or hope or joy, whether that is from deep within yourself, or in Nature, or God, then visit that source regularly. Never let go of it. Never push it away.

Chances are you will find someone or even more than one person with whom you can have a two-way relationship on the same street. It will require taking some risks, and it seems unlikely that there will not be disappiontments along the way. But remember that we do not always walk down the same street forever, and sometimes may only briefly walk with one another. Yet, even short periods of companionship can be rewarding.

Then again, although very unlikely, it is always possible that your differences are so profound and rare that you will not find anyone with whom you can relate completely, openly and honestly, and fully appreciate one another, while walking down the same street. In such a rare occurance, it is then that you will most need access to that source of joy. So, seek it out.

Continue reaching out, David, continue searching, and perhaps you will find what you are seeking.

And, I have a strong sense that someone, or perhaps many, will consider themselves lucky when you find them or they find you.

So, may you find good information, inspiration, companionship, comfort, and good humor here.

Explore and enjoy, David.

I'm an online seller too, and I agree that it's an excellent income solution for people with AS. I would suggest being careful in online selling forums though. Many of the posters in them are mean folks who attack anyone who does not think like them. Instead of learning new ideas and valuable strategies from folks who think 'outside the box', they like to belittle and insult. But, customers are usually great to deal with, and that's all you need to do business.

Welcome to WrongPlanet

thank you everyone

It's comforting to know that I now have a place to go where I can be understood.

It's funny two of you mentioned doing business on the web. I have actually been a self employeed Internet marketer since 1999. I was the first person to sell Plasma TVs on ebay back in 2000. I feel it is the very reason why it has taken so long to figure out what was "really"wrong with me. Things were going very well for me in 2001, and I pretty much became a recluse. I would do my internet stuff for about an hour or so, and then spend the rest of the day smoking weed and playing xbox live. I have been self medicating like that for quite some time.

I had a very STRICT upbringing, which only amplified my social awkwardness. My senior year of high school, my bedtime was 10pm, i was never allowed to stay out, and was not allowed to watch TV shows like The Simpsons because it was "trash". I rememember as a child living in fear of when the next punishment was coming because 99% of the time I didn't understand what I had done wrong. Image was very important to my mother. She felt my odd behavior would be viewed by her peers as "poor parenting" and she "wasn't going to have that". I remember trying to tell my mother in 6th grade that I was having problems, but she would not listen. "No" she would say. "You are smart! You didn't have a first world, you had a first sentence (I want a hot dog please) and you would attract a crowd in the grocery store because people were so amazed at how articulate you were! You would do very well if you just APPLIED yourself!" I heard that over and over again. Thats when my self esteem started going down the tubes. After all, my mother couldn't be wrong... therefore I just must be a lazy and bad person.

From then on I was the kid everyone always wanted to beat up in the locker room or after school in the parking lot. I would never stand up for myself because my parents had pretty much beat that instinct out of me. The bullies picked up on that real quick. So finally I finish high school and come up with the bright idea that I should go to a military academy for college. I attended The Citadel from 1995 to 1999. I excelled my freshman year because being an obedient automoton was what they wanted and that was easy for me. I endured all the brutal hazing rituals which the school publicly disapproved of, but secretly encouraged it. My sophomore year is when things started getting really bad. People started to realize there was something strange about me, and I just couldn't handle the social polictics of a military rank system. I was a computer engineering major which was the toughest one they had. It was so difficult I could not finish in 4 years. My 5th year I was an outcast. The bond they build there is with your class, the people you go through knob year with. They had all graduated, so the feeling of isolation was intense. The school was also dramatically different from when I was a freshman due to the admission of women, and all the hazing scandals that had been reported on 60 minutes and 48 hrs. They started to staff the barracks with adult military officers to "babysit". I caught the attention of a retired Lt Col, who thought I was rude to him. He would write me up for the most minor infraction, and even ordered his staff to "turn the heat up" on me. I was suspended that year due to excess "demerits". He didn't seem to care I was a 5th year senior just trying to finish. My parents spent over 80k for me to go there, I earned a little over 130 hrs, was subjected to physical and mental torture on a constant basis, and I have NOTHING to show for it! I placed a call to them about my DX, and they won't even talk to me!

I have been screwed over my entire life and I am pissed off about it! I have thoughts about going down there and making Virginia Tech look like a minor incident... thats how upset I am!

People tell me to "get over it" and "let go". I understand what it means, but don't know how. The sense of injustice is too great. Funny thing is when I ask these "advice givers" how.. they become silent.

Can anyone here tell me how to "let it go"? I'd sure like to know.

Last edited by DavidK1 on 07 Sep 2007, 5:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.

You are very welcome!

An education is what you get when you wanted something else.

You went to the wrong school. You did not enlist, but became an X-box playing pot head.

Find a life that fits you, not your parents.

Self has nothing to do with anyone or the past.