Giving myself permission not to be normal

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Hi out there. I'm 51, old enough to be most of y'all's dad. Still quite surprised to be here, not sure what to do about it. But the path to the future leads through this site, so I just follow my nose...

I discovered my Aspergers in August 2007 through a New Yorker piece, identifying with it and everything I read subsequently. It took until two weeks ago to navigate through the health maze for evaluation and diagnosis. But I feel more hopeful now than in a long time, just knowing more about what makes me tick, and that I am not alone.

I have struggled to fit in my whole life - a loner, often confused, usually underemployed, oscillating between brilliance and stupidity. My successes have been as a student - English, German, and Buddhism - a husband & father of two sons, and a software marketer. The stress of family and professional life overwhelmed me totally in my mid-40s, with a push from fate. On Thanksgiving Day 2002 my father's van, with my family on board, was hit from behind on the San Diego Freeway. We recovered physically, but the trauma drove me into intense anxiety and depression, and I developed atrial fibrillation, an irregular heartbeat. I left my job as a director of marketing and over six years later may just be getting my head above water. I've been a stay-at-home dad and occasional freelance writer, and take care of my 88-year-old mother-in-law.

I owe a lot to my wife, who went back to school and now teaches school to support our family. There are still hurdles ahead; just this May anxiety over my health problems and my son's high school graduation leapt out of control, and I started having full-blown panic attacks, landing me in the ER in June. Right now my next step is to find a new career, or at least work that fits my limitations. If, that is, I can navigate through the minefields of my fear of strangers and new things, the distraction of my current obsessions - you know, the usual stuff.

I have a lot of interests: motorcycles, luthiery, Patrick O'Brien seafaring novels, bird dogs, folk music, hiking, woodworking, remodeling, saving energy. My most irritating habit is reloading the dishwasher after my wife or sons do it their way. Thanks for reading and be well.

Welcome to WP!

Yes, that's what's we all need to do, give ourselves permission to be different! Normal is a dirty word in my book.

Welcome to WP!

that is an impressive story there. thanks for sharing. welcome to wp.

oh I hope it doesn't take me six years to get better.

hi! I only recently discovered my aspie-ism too though I'm only 23. You are old enough to be my dad, but, he died kinda of randomly and that was my final push into panic disorder. Thus the hoping it doesn't take six years as was in my final undergrad semester when Dad die and I started ending up in corners shaking uncontrollably but not knowing why. No one took me to the ER, thankfully, though my mother did come get me in the middle of April 2007 because I was stuck in such a corner. She insists I needed medical intervention. I dunno. But as it is I am technically done with my undergrad (anthropology) but have to fill out paperwork (I'd rather write essays and take tests any day to FORMS) to get back on track (to be a librarian, not the kind that talks to adults, wither the kind in the back you never see, or one that works with kids...if I think I can handle speaking to the parents too).

So I can kinda relate in a completely different circumstances and generation younger kind of way...

Are they medicating you for the panic stuff? does it help? I am not convinced its the meds with me, any progress is more due to time I think, but, who knows.

On the one hand, I respect you HUGELY for forcing yourself to be normal as much as you have for as long, I couldn't do it. I never have been able to. I had to come to terms with allowing myself to be different ealier on because I didn;t have the kind of strenght to get round it.

On the other hand, thank goodness you're going to let yourself be different now. everyone needs to be who they are. normal and average and generalizations are useful in conversation I guess but that are so PAINFUL and STUPID in reality.

welcome!

Very pleased to meet you, snaildrake.

I can relate to the dishwasher thing... Welcome to wrong planet!

Nice to meet you, snaildrake.

I reload the dishwasher too. The only way I could start to get my head above water was by totally destroying my obsessions and focusing (obsessing) on my work.

Welcome to WrongPlanet! Ok, I'm old enough to be your...well, babysitter. I was diagnosed this past spring at 58. I always knew that things that interested me were not the societal norm. I knew I was different, but was somewhat like my father. I was lucky to have married a pretty understanding guy (34 years this month). I have worked in 3 totally different industries (following my obsessions), but when I "get what I came for", I am done completely and have to change fields. I am now focusing on keeping my obsessions as avocations (volunteer naturalist for local parks, disaster preparedness/CERT, trail running) and studying something that isn't a current obsession that may turn into a tolerable job. My aspieness was definitely there as a child, was less obvious from my teens to my thirties. I had a brain aneurysm at forty and the aspie traits came back with a vengeance then. At that point it seemed really baffling to me, but the suggestion of Aspergers explains so much--my father and his father surely had it, I have sensory issues, prefer my own company much of the time, have worked in typical aspie jobs, etc.,etc. And I load the dishwasher, period. There is clearly only one efficient pattern.

I am sure you will gain many helpful insights here, as I have. Have fun looking around!

Hello

Welcome to Wrong Planet

Certainly! I am studying Library Technology (a certificate program at a local community college). I've always thought it would be interesting, not in a perseverative (is that a word?) way, to work in a library at a think tank or other research institution. Learn what resources are available, help others with their research, but not have to do the actual organization and writing. Sometimes just the hunt for the info is the most fun. I know they don't get paid a lot, I might even only use the skills someday as a volunteer somewhere, but it sounds useful to my own research projects as well as being something that doesn't suck.

Hello gray-
Have faith, time heals many things - but so does attention and real help. I must be honest and say it will take whatever time it takes. (Whisper: but you can help the process along). You have the elasticity of youth on your side if you let your passion and joy buoy your spirits.

I'm sorry to hear that you lost your father, especially if unexpectedly. I feel for you: my mother died when I was 25 and remembering back, that was a very hard thing to go through. That was when I first needed counseling.

The more you're struggling, the more you need outside help that you trust. That includes your mom - she may see things that you can't when you're not feeling well, and I hope there is no doubt about her real concern.

There's nothing wrong with "medical intervention" if it's well informed. I avoided anti-depressants and psychiatrists far too long - I would have done better being medicated long ago. There are no guarantees in life, but I recognize now that not trying medication was another one of my ways of denying the depth of the problem. In fact, one big reason I had panic attacks is that I cut my dose of anti-depressants thinking that would be OK. Big mistake.

Yes, antianxiety drugs helped break my panic attacks - almost immediately. I only took them a few times and that was it. If you are still having panic attacks, please find a mental health pro and see what can be done for you. Anxiety and panic are pretty common and there are ways to deal with them.

By the way, I wish I had known about my AS earlier, because I might have been happier if I had *not* tried to be normal so long. Dealing with the real world is fine, but there is incredible wear and tear to "passing" as something you're not. My whole family paid for the ways I had to deal with all that stress.

And I hope you do whatever it takes to finish your degree, you'll be glad you did down the road. Believe it or not, I got at least one great job because I had an English degree - there is some justice in this world after all. Best, Dan

Welcome to the "right" planet and congrats on embracing your true self....