At 58, I just found out I'm an Aspie and need help

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Hi Everyone

I’m Stewart from Melbourne Australia and I’m 58 years old

I’m hoping someone here can make some intelligent suggestions

All my life I have struggled with what I call “My People Issues”

My passion was two way radio and electronics, which started when I was 10 years old. I built a very successful telecommunications business, but my people issues and 2nd failed marriage destroyed it and all my finances.

Over the last 21 years I have been to numerous psychologists, psychiatrists and alternative heath practitioners …. All to very little avail.

About 5 years ago it occurred to me that whenever I went into a grocery store I would walk up and down the aisles looking for what I wanted instead of asking a shop assistant to tell me where what I wanted was. So at the age of 53, I FORCED myself to go and ask a shop assistant where I could find an item. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done … but the next time it was easier … and the next time it was easier still and so on. Now whenever I go into a shop the first thing I do is go and ask a shop assistant, and doing it is now easy and I enjoy it.

I have gradually become more out going and its like my true personality is coming out. My natural sense of humor is developing and I love making people laugh. Earlier this year a guy said I ooze personality, which is quite amazing for someone who has been an introvert all his life.

Since the destruction of my telecommunications business in the middle 1990’s, I have been driving trucks for a living, but as all the experts were not helping me with my people issues, and as I had had some success on my own, I decided I need to take my people issues head on once and for all, and get them resolved, myself. So in June of this year I took on a job as a telemarketer doing out bound cold calls.

My fuzzie thinking was along the lines of “If I have to deal with people on a day to day basis i.e. have them in my face everyday, I would find a way to handle them”

(I found out about AS 3 months later in September this year, I’m sure I am an Aspie …. It explains soooooooo much … I go for formal assessment on the 5th of January)

The telemarketing is commission only, which has proved to be a double edge sword.

The positive side is that I come and go more or less as I please, so it gives me the time off when I needed it to deal with the stress. The negative side is that my income has been very erratic, some weeks I do not earn anything.

I have been living in a car for the last 2 months as I have not been earning enough to pay rent on the car and rent for a home. I really have had enough of living in the car and if I can find a way to get the money flowing I would try and find some where. (preferably on my own)

For the last couple of months I have also been seeing an alternative therapist who has been using a combination of Kinesology, Bach flower essence and exercises to help some of my primitive reflexes integrate into postural reflexes. Even though it is early days, I have been experiencing some success with her therapy.

Today I sat and thought about what the issues with telemarketing were for me and I came up with 4 things

1. Noise. The call center has about 30 guys working in it, and the noise is so bad in the middle of the day, that sometimes I can’t hear what the other person on the phone is saying, let alone hear myself think.
2. Being around so many people .. i.e. having other people listen to what I’m saying
3. The People I call being angry or rejecting me.
4. Some of the techniques the management encourage us to use I consider lying or at least manipulation.

The call center opens at 7 in the morning and most of the guys do not come in till after 9 … so in the morning I have a couple of hours during which I can make calls and only have to deal with the fear of people being angry or rejecting me. During this time I can rock through 45 calls an hour. However for the last 2 weeks the call center has not been opening till 9 and so I have not had that couple of hours to myself.

Also the call center is closing for 2 weeks on Friday and so I need to find another source of income for that period. There is a chance I can get social security for that period.

I’m sure working at the call center has helped with my people issues to a degree.

OK now for the questions…. I’m not sure if taking the people issues head on is a rational course to take, as it is destroying my meager finances and I’m getting closer and closer to having to live on the street … however, I don’t want to go back to an introverted type of work again as my people issues will continue to dominate and control my life.


1. If any one has suggestions …. I’m all ears
2. Can anyone point me to relevant posts on the wrong planet I should read


Thanks for your help in anticipation.


Stewart

Dear Stewart,

I'm Marialuisa from Italy, I'm 32 and I discovered being an AS 4 years ago, during occasional meeting with a psycologist (which I soon interrupted because I thought it was just a way to earn more money for the therapist). I've read a lot of things about AS, but here in Italy no one really knows anything about it. Anyhow I understood many things about me and stopped trying to do some NORMAL things other people do, because I just wanted to be "normal" too. I AM NOT NORMAL. That's all. I lived my life then, I got 3 friends who know about my autism, and then I found love, a very intelligent philosopher, and I told him too about autism, but he likes me and my talents (I'm a musician), so we decided to marry. And everything was great. I found a new job, where my "calculating" mind could express itself in the best way, and so it was, but then I started having problems with my new 27-years-old-boss: I found out mistakes of other people, thought that was good to show how I smart and able I was, but now I know I was mistaking. I've lost my job last week, and now I feel so confused. My parents started to say things like "you're a s**t - you're 32 and you still haven't a job - you are not a kid anymore" and many other things which hurted me so much. So last week I decided to tell them about AS, hoping that their expectations could now be "resized". I've been struggling all my life, with people around me telling me I was so smart but I couldn't behave the way I did. Now I'm so messed up, I don't know what to do, I need silence and I would like to have a "brain switch" so to turn off my thoughts.

PS I think my father could be an aspie too.

Thanks

Mù

hi Stewart, welcome!

First, in the process of self-discovery,
you will loooove reading this thread:

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt81031.html

Second, as to socializing yourself.., I wonder.

I found myself in a very similar situation exactly one year ago,
but then had no idea at all about me being autistic.

In real life, in social situations, I am simply too good too naturallike,
to have ever been able to make the connection. However, I do find contact a strain, and have largely succeeded in avoiding much of it. Much to my financial detriment, it must be admitted.
Had I only known at age ... well, around thirty would have been ideal; and forty would still have been fair enough.

Due to the similar circumstances, I have still not been able to properly put myself through what I feel is an essentially required fase of coming to terms with the mere fact of your autism.

Part of any post-diagnosis process should be an 'autistic strengths v weaknesses' evaluation. I promise you, if you listen carefully and honestly enough to yourself - do you really WANT to keep on taking the social issues head-on? You must be so tired...

I could see myself surviving as a truckie much rather than your line of experience. Is there nothing in your area(s) of expertise and/or practical experience that would suit the psyche better - especially while your on your road to enlightenment.

Meanwhile, I am lucky in that I discovered I qualify for a certain type of disability benefits so my straights are much less dire than yours.

Finally & in consequense:
there's little wrong with a little bentness;
and there's much more room off the straights&narrows -
enjoy!

Staying in that business even for people with great people skills will still lead to financial ruin. I would suggest dumping the career and going back to trucking and slowly working on your issues with socialization in closed non-work settings. For instance starting cold conversations with people you don't know alot of times you may get negative responses but the more you pratice you will learn the ins and outs of socialization and make up for the lack of being able to read nonverbal cues.

Welcome Stewart!

hi... I worked as a tech support in a callcenter for 8 mths (inbound). could barely make a living, it really got me down and finally I was fired for "not being happy at work"......
I went to my doc, all broken down and he dx'd me with AS at age 44 (final assesment in march) and reading up on AS soooooo much came clear
Stewart, I wanted to do a post like yours, but just thinking about my days at the call-center stresses me out. You describe it just the way I experienced it. (you must be quite strong mentally)
To me, the callcenter business was poison.

As I understand it, if you got AS, its in the genes and cannot be changed. Having ppl "in your face" will never be comfortable. Although social skills can be trained. AS ppl will always have to use a little extra energy in order to keep up in "social games". Looking back on my career in the entertainment industry, I remember how crowds of ppl always got me real tired, on the verge of fatigue. In my sparetime I'd always avoid crowds.

Don't want to be pessimistic and I'm prob not the one to give advice, being a newb myself.....But I really hope you'll take good care of yourself in your present job.

cheers mate

Hi Stewart - welcome to WP!

I applaud your efforts to desensitize yourself to the people issues - but would caution you to take it in smaller bites. We all have to deal with NT society & it makes sense to systematically analyze each situation to find the best way to cope (that's certainly what I've done - way before I knew anything about AS.) But, AS is not something you get over - you can only hope to find better strategies for getting along. Sometimes avoidance is the best choice.

Why not play to your strengths? Your mention of electronics puts me in mind of "Look Me In the Eye - My Life With Aspergers", by John Elder Robson - who did a lot of creative work in electronics, before switching to another of his passions: restoring classic cars.

You can then torture yourself by interacting with people more as a hobby, than as a full-time occupation.

Seriously, I think you'll find people a bit easier to take in small doses - and even better if you are working at something you actually like to do, rather than a job you can barely tolerate (or even worse, that you hate.)

"Hello," Stewart. Welcome aboard Wrong Planet.

Welcome!

Stewart, you seem like an intriguing person, and one with lots of initiative. Bravo!
I agree with the other posters that you ought to go back to trucking and do your social learning at hobbies and clubs.
I wish you well.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Magliabechi.

To WrongPlanet!! !


Come on over to the Dino Aspie Ex-Cafe and have a muffin we have a three generation family from Australia here on Wrong Planet...
I myself used to work in the electronics industry and I had all sorts of people problems...Click my blog button for more of my story..

Hi everyone and thank you for all your comments, they are very much appreciated.

Your comments have triggered some further thoughts for me, and I trust you don’t mind me thinking out aloud.

1. I love to dance Latin American, Ballroom and Rock & Roll. I am a slow learner but as I have had quite a few lessons and been at it for quite some years on and off, I’m reasonable good, especially with Cha Cha and Rock & Roll. When I find a tall lady (I’m 6’4”) who can really dance (and there aren’t all that many of them) and she gets to trust my strong lead, which usually happens within a dance or two, then I start to put in some real effort, energy and passion into the dance, and we both have a fantastic time. I can see it in their faces. It almost like they don’t know what hit them.

Part of my “people issue” is I feel so uncomfortable asking ladies to dance …. A couple of times I have been standing near the dance floor just moving to the beat of the music and ladies come up and ask me to dance.

I haven’t been dancing for 18 months or so, which upon reflection really is strange. Maybe in one sense I am doing myself a disservice by telemarketing as it chews up my emotional energy and so instead of going dancing after work I just crash and sleep.

Today I went for a social security interview and I have been accepted, so as the telemarketing center closes tomorrow for 2 weeks, I will have a bit of money to survive and plenty of alone time to recharge my emotional energy ….. it will be interesting to see if I go dancing again.

2. The truck diving is not really a good option. Part of my AS is spatial challenges, which results in clumsiness. There is quite some demand for semi trailer drivers which is what I have been doing. On the road I’m Ok but backing and parking I continually have these little scrapes. I’ve scratched a few trucks and trailers and as a result now have a bad reputation. So getting driving work would be a challenge and even if I was able to, it would be stressful due to the continual fear I was going to have another scrape and have to go back to the depot, report it, fill out all the paperwork and answer all the questions etc.

3. I really fear giving in to the temptation of going back to some nice interesting introverted work, as I DO NOT want the people issues controlling me any more … I want them gone . I’ve had enough of the fear of asking for help, or complaining about poor service, or selling myself and my services.

I have found an employment agency, which specializes in helping Autistic people get the right work. I have spoken to the director but they will not accept me until I have a formal diagnosis (which hopefully I will get on the 5th of January). I’m hoping with discussion with them we can come up with just the right work for me. Hopefully we can come up with something that is a nice mix of some time doing interesting introverted work, and some time doing “People Issues” challenging work.

Thanks for listening (or reading as the case my be)

Stewart

P.S. If anyone wants to make any further comments I’m all ears.